Shield
by Bensler
Summary: Life has a way of throwing unexpected fiery darts. At those times, everyone needs a shield to protect them and those around them. Those shields come in many varying and sometimes surprising forms. You know me, so you know it's EO!
1. Chapter 1 Problem

**Dream, dream, dream -  
I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine  
Anytime night or day  
Only trouble is, gee whiz  
It's a dream - SVU is Wolf's biz!**

****Snap! A girl can dream, right?****

**Had this written for awhile...the first chapter anyway. Don't know why I am posting it when I have so many others to work on, but oh, well, what can I say. I still don't own them, but I think they own me! LOL!! You know I'd love to know what you think... " ) Bensler **

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 1 - Problem**

**Office of Captain Donald Cragen - Friday, December 6 - 7:30 p.m. **

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes."

"You know he will go off the deep end."

"I know."

"What are you going to tell him?"

"Nothing."

She shot the captain an awkward look and then let her eyes drop to her fidgeting hands.

He understood immediately. "No. You can't do that to him." He shook his head almost violently. "You can't leave without at least letting him know, Olivia."

"I was…I was…h- hoping you could figure out a way to tell him for me." She closed her eyes tightly, biting her lower lip

The captain stared at the detective seated before him. "Let me get this straight. You don't want to tell him you are leaving, and you don't want him to know why, and you think I can cover for you?"

"Please," she begged, as she looked up at him with pleading brown eyes. "I-I just…I just can't deal with this and him, too."

Cragen rubbed his forehead as he let out a long, loud sigh, and nodded in defeat. "I'll think of something."

She raised her eyes, now filled with tears, to his and whispered, "Thank you so much, Don."

He took in his detective as she stared at him. The strong, confident Benson was still there if you peeled off the layers of weariness even though she was a much more fragile version. Her face was pale, unlike her normal olive complexion that always had a healthy glow to it. In contrast, her eyes were darker and seemed huge in her thin face. She had lost some weight over the last month and that had been his first clue that something was going on. She always lost weight when something was wrong. He had thought it was Elliot. Again. He was going through something, too, but getting _him_ to spill was a lost cause. The only one who had ever stood a chance at that was Olivia and even she had given up trying. Cragen had tried to get her to talk without seeming like he was fishing for information, but each attempt was met with her persistent mantra of 'I'm fine.' Still, he knew she wasn't but he also knew she would not talk until she was ready. Now she had talked and he wished he had never heard the words she had to say.

That morning when she came to him to ask for an appointment to speak with him when no one was around, he knew whatever it was, it was serious. He had stayed later than usual tonight, waiting until everyone had left except Olivia. When she finally shut her computer down and headed for his office, he felt a stab of fear take over and run through his heart as his stomach knotted in apprehension.

Closing the door behind her, she took a seat in the chair at the front of his desk; he was nearby leaning on his desk partially seated. She was extremely quiet; there was no aimless chatter; no questions or comments about the latest case; no joking, no teasing. Completely unlike her. She stared at her hands in her lap, intent on wringing them over and over. Smiling to himself, he recalled scenes from the past ten years where she always had to be doing something with her hands. Clicking an ink pen, twisting her watch, pushing at her cuticles, drumming her fingers, bending a paperclip, something, anything to maintain motion and work off her nervous energy.

Slowly she began speaking, filling him in on what had been going on for the last two months, explaining why she needed to do this. They discussed every detail.

"When do you start?" he asked.

" Wednesday," she answered, glancing at him and trying to give him a smile. "I'm sorry for the short notice, but they just…"

"It's no problem," he said quickly. "How long?"

"Six months. I'll let you know as soon as I can if it's going to require a longer period of time, or…or…"

"Okay…okay," he rasped, putting his right hand up for her to stop as his left reached behind him.

Pulling her file from his desk, he flipped it open. He already knew what was in it, he just needed a minute to catch his breath and pull himself together. He knew what she was alluding to and he simply could not wrap his mind around it. There would be no 'or'…there _could_ be no 'or'. He would not think of it, nor let his mind go there.

"Your attendance record is exemplary, Olivia. I see no reason why One PP should not approve as much time as you need."

Nodding she smiled up at him, "I appreciate your help."

**SVU Squad Room – Monday, December 9 – 1:28 p.m.**

Elliot had been distant again. And when he wasn't distant he was grumbling at her; finding fault with everything she said or did and sometimes, what she thought. At least that was how she felt. It seemed he took issue with things that she never even said aloud. Maybe he did. After all, they have always been able to read each other like a page in a book. The shouting match three days ago was among their worst, and they had barely spoken since. He, because he was still fuming at her though he wasn't sure why because he didn't really even remember what they fought about; and she, because she just did not have the energy to fight him right now. She needed to bank what energy she did have; she would need it in the weeks and months to come.

She glanced at him over the space between their desks. He was engrossed in typing and paid her no attention. That was par for the course lately. She wondered what was going on with him, suspecting it was his home life. Every time he was in a foul mood it was because of things at home. Almost every time…unless it was because she was making him choose her instead of the victim, or he thought she put her life in danger unnecessarily, or because she had been dating someone for months and never told him. She should tell him what was going on now. No, she would not be able to handle him if he knew. Not now. Maybe later. Much later. Maybe. Her heavy sigh filled the air not once but twice, and at the second one Elliot looked over at her, a deep scowl on his face.

"What?" His voice was angry.

"Hmmm?" She snapped out of her daze.

"You got a problem?" His blues eyes were like sheets of ice.

"What?" The look on her face showed her confusion.

"You keep sighing out loud and you're staring at me. You got a problem?"

"Uh…no…," shifting, she sat up straight. She was staring at him? "What is _your_ problem?" She may be worn out but the adrenaline was pumping now. She was sick and tired of how he treated her.

"_My_ problem is a partner that's sitting there doing nothing except sighing out loud and disturbing my concentration," he growled.

Doing nothing? Just that morning she had busted it to finish all their outstanding paperwork, including his, for the past week and half. If they didn't have it in by 12:30 they would have been in contempt of court. It had taken her so long to finish, she hadn't even taken a lunch break; not that she had much of an appetite anyway. And he had the audacity to accuse her of doing nothing?

Standing and gathering her things, she leaned over the desk. "Well, life has a way of solving _all_ problems eventually," her brown eyes, black as tar, flashed at him as she made air quotes as she said 'problems'. Spinning around she shook her head at Fin and Munch as she left the precinct deciding to take her lunch break now.

**Medical Examiner's Office – Monday, December 9 – 1:45 p.m.**

"Oliva, hi." Melinda Warner pulled a sheet over the body she was working on and smiled at her friend.

"Hey." Olivia stood just inside the door keeping her distance and just staring at the lump beneath the white sheet. Her mind was running crazy with thoughts that she should not be having. It would do her no good to dwell on such negative things.

"What brings you here?" Melinda asked as she pulled the latex gloves from her hands and discarded them in the trash.

There was no response as Olivia seemed to be in a trance, her eyes still focused on the table.

"Olivia?" Melinda repeated for the third time, concern etching her face.

Her head snapped up and her eyes met Melinda's, "I'm…I'm sorry. Wh-what did you say?"

"I asked if you were okay?" As she watched Olivia's eyes drift back to the covered body, the realization hit her. She made her way to Olivia, took her arm and pulled her to her desk in the corner of the room. "Here, sit down, talk."

Olivia swallowed nervously and glanced at the table again before looking at Melinda. "I-I can't stop…I just just…w-who is…" she tipped her head toward the body.

Melinda looked over at the table, too. "Homicide. Bar fight."

"How?"

"Broken bottle severed the carotid artery." She looked at Olivia and was worried. "Are you okay?"

Olivia ran her hands over head and nodded. Then she _shook_ her head. "I keep thinking...am I…will I…will you…" she looked at the body again.

"Don't. Olivia, don't do this. Come on, let's get out of here," Melinda said as she stood and pulled Olivia with her.

Twenty minutes later they were seated in a small café where Melinda had ordered salads and a half sandwich for both of them despite Olivia's protests that she was not hungry. After several prompts from her, Olivia had finally eaten a few mouthfuls of salad but the sandwich lay untouched.

"I'm assuming you have talked to Don," Melinda said, taking another bite of her sandwich.

Olivia nodded. "Friday night."

"So you have all the details worked out then?"

"Yes. Tomorrow will be my last day. You have everything in order?"

"I do. I'll be at your place Wednesday morning to pick you up."

"Melinda…I really appreciate you doing this. It means a lot…it's so hard sometimes with no family…" Olivia's voice cracked just a little.

"Liv…you _do_ have family. Maybe not blood family, but family can be anyone who cares about you. _I'm_ your family and so is everyone else in the unit. Don't you ever forget it." She covered Olivia's left hand with her right and patted it.

A grateful smile was the only response Olivia could muster around the sudden tightness in her throat.

"Did you tell Fin and Munch?"

"They know I'm leaving but not why."

"How did Elliot take it?"

At her hesitation, Melinda raised an eyebrow at her in anticipation for her answer.

Pushing the greens around with her fork, she whispered, "I'm not telling him."

Melinda leaned back and stared at Olivia like she had three heads. "Come again?"

"He's…been a bear lately. Difficult…we do nothing but fight. Or ignore each other…"

"And that's different how?" Melinda raised her eyebrows playfully.

Olivia smiled slightly at the dig. "It _is_ different…he's so…so distant…and just before I came to the lab, he told me I was his problem."

"Olivia…I'm sorry things are not good between the two of you, but you _know_ not telling him is a mistake."

"No. I don't know that. Not anymore. I actually think he will be relieved that his _problem_ is gone."

"I _know_ you know better than that. Are you trying to shield him from all of this? Or is it to shield yourself from his reaction?"

"I…don't…" she sighed and pushed the salad away. "I don't know. I know he will be upset and I know he will find out why eventually, but maybe this way I _can_ protect him….yes, shield him from it a little bit, a little longer. And I _am_ protecting myself, too. Mel, I can barely deal with this myself. There's no way I can deal with Elliot knowing about it, too. I just…I can't do it."

Melinda thought she understood a little better why Olivia was determined not to let Elliot know where she was going or why. She might have understood it some but she still didn't think it was right. No matter how big of jerk he was, he was her partner, her best friend, and he deserved to know what was going on, what she was going through. And no matter what Olivia thought, he _would_ care. In fact, Melinda knew he would be devastated.

"You know, _he_ is your family, too."

Olivia looked at her and then away as she brushed tears from her cheeks.

Melinda knew Olivia cared deeply about Elliot. She also knew he had strong feelings for her, too. It was an undeniable fact. Over the years she had seen far too many exchanged glances and words to not see the bond they had with each other. Yet, she felt sorry for them, too, because as much and as deeply as they cared, the present circumstances prevented them from being together. Divorce did not set well with her – she and her husband had been married for sixteen years – but sometimes, sometimes maybe it needed to be an option. The few things she had seen and the many things she had heard about the Stabler marriage made her believe that everyone would be better off if they called it quits. Since he had gone home nearly two years ago, Elliot seemed more miserable than ever most of the time and she could not help but think that Kathy was, too.

**Residence of Elliot Stabler– Monday, December 9 – 7:56 p.m.**

For the last couple of months, he had been treating her like dirt. He knew it, she knew it, the entire SVU squad knew it. No matter how much he analyzed it, he did not understand why he was so rude, so hateful, so belligerent toward her. Around most others he managed to be civil, but for some reason when Olivia was near it was like he was just spoiling for a fight, ready to quarrel over anything and everything and nothing. The strange thing was…she was the one person he most needed; most wanted in his life. And yet, with each interaction it seemed he pushed her away harder and faster than ever before. The chasm between them right now was wider than it had ever been. Even after Gitano and Oregon.

Scooping up the partially eaten hamburger and the order of fries he didn't touch, he dumped them back in the bag and tossed it in the trash. He leaned against the kitchen counter and looked over the sparsely furnished apartment. It still didn't feel like home and he had been living there over two months. What made a place a home, he wondered? Was it the clutter and belongings of someone else? The kids. He missed them. Missed tripping on the mountain of shoes and bookbags at the door; missed the open boxes of cereal on the counter and spilt milk puddle on the floor. He even missed the piles of soggy towels left in the bathroom floor and no hot water for a shower. Was it the shouts and quiet laughter? Or the tears of shared pain and the joy of recounting a good day? He wondered how Olivia had done this for so long…been alone. He hated it. Hated the silence; the emptiness; the loneliness.

His cell phone vibrated on the counter. As he picked it up his first thought was that he hoped it was Olivia. Glancing at the caller ID, he groaned.

"Yeah," he grumbled.

"You do remember Eli's two-year check-up?"

He grimaced. No, he had not remembered. "Yeah, yeah. What time was it?"

"You forgot, didn't you?" she accused him.

"No…I just…just tell me what time, Kathy," his voice was full of exasperation.

"You _did_ forget. It's _not_ tomorrow, it's Wednesday at nine. I wanted to be sure you had time to let Captain Cragen and Olivia know. You'll be there, right?"

"Yeah." As he went to flip the phone closed he heard her call his name, but it was too late and he disconnected the call.

Let Cragen and Olivia know? He laughed out loud. Olivia could care less if he showed up, he was sure. She would be more than glad for a reprieve from his antics of late. The longer the better.

The phone immediately rang again. "What?" He really did not want to talk to his wife. His soon to be ex-wife.

"Can you at least say goodnight to your youngest son? He's been asking about daddy all evening."

"Put him on the phone." He knew Kathy was admonishing him for not seeing Eli over the weekend. But they had caught a case and it took all weekend to close it.

After a few exchanges with his little boy and listening to mostly gibberish he could make neither heads nor tails of, they said their 'I love yous' and 'goodbyes' and Elliot hung up the phone. He missed his kids so much. That was all he missed. He found it strange that this time he did not miss Kathy. He had analyzed that and come to the conclusion that he hadn't really missed her the first time. It was rather the familiarity of her, the comfort of what he had known his entire adult life. This time he knew it was really over and this time he had no problem, no hesitation in signing the divorce papers. Even after he had come home because of Eli, she had continued to badger him about his job and the time it took from the family.

She had even threatened to leave him but Olivia talked her out of it. But she continued to try to get him to transfer to Queens and finally he could take it no more. When he suggested that things were not working out between them and that maybe they needed a break, he was quite surprised that Kathy so quickly agreed. Then when he mentioned divorce, she asked when did he want to set it up – this was easier than the first time. Maybe she was just as miserable as he was and was waiting for him to be the one to call it quits all this time. He had to admit his ego was just a little bruised but the sense of relief that washed over him more than made up for it.

He wished he felt free to talk to Olivia about it, but he did not want to drag her into anything to do with the dissolution of his marriage. He did not want to take the chance that she would feel any culpability or guilt in its demise. He only hoped he could wait the appropriate amount of time before he explained to her his true feelings. He only hoped that by then he would not have completely alienated her and any hope of them ever being together. He was not sure exactly when he fell in love with her…he only knew he had fallen hard.

**SVU Squad Room – Wednesday, December 10 – 10:45 a.m.**

Riding the elevator to the squad room, Elliot thought about the last couple of days. After his outburst Monday about her keeping him from concentrating, and not doing any work herself, Olivia had not spoken to him. All day Tuesday she had pointedly avoided him. Several times he had caught Munch and Fin and even Cragen giving him looks that ranged from disgust to pity. He knew that when he and Olivia were at odds, the whole squad suffered. He knew they had all had enough when Cragen partnered Munch and Olivia to answer a call.

Later he had overheard Munch quietly tell Fin that Olivia had agreed to let them take her for a drink after work and that Cragen was coming, too. Elliot had thought it odd that the captain was going, and was miffed that he had not been invited. However, he quickly brushed it off because since Eli he had given the excuse of getting home for diaper duty too often when they _did_ ask if he wanted to go. He wondered how that went and thought perhaps that could be a way to break the ice with Olivia. He would ask her about last night.

Striding into the squad room, his eyes went straight to Olivia's empty desk and idle computer. He is late because of Eli's appointment and she is always there before him. His eyes quickly scanned the room for her but all he saw was Munch and Fin looking at him. Munch's look was filled with…pity? While Fin's was anger. What had he done now?

"Where's Liv?" he asked, trying for nonchalance, but knowing it sound anything but.

The two other detectives simply traded looks, ignored his question and went back to work. This angered Elliot but he knew that was not the way to deal with them. He walked over to Munch's desk and leaned over it. "You hear me ask where Liv is?"

"I heard you."

"Well, where is she?"

Munch shook his head ever so slightly and peered at Elliot over his glasses, "That's not for me to say."

"What?" He frowned and turned to Fin when Munch kept staring at him.

"_You_ know where Liv is?" He squinted his eyes at Fin trying to contain his temper.

"Yeah. I know."

"Well…?" Elliot was quickly losing patience.

"If you don't know, she must notta told you…so, she must notta wanted you to know." Fin cocked an eyebrow at him and leaned back in his seat, staring crossly at Elliot.

That was it! If he had to he would beat it out of him! Elliot came around the desk as Fin jumped up prepared for battle. Before he got close enough to touch him, a stern voice called out.

"Elliot! My office! Now!" Cragen loudly barked.

Elliot glared at Fin and if looks could kill, they would probably both keel over. He threw a quick glance at John, noting that he was now standing, too, most likely to aid his partner. His ex-partner. Olivia was John's partner now. Elliot turned and stomped off to Cragen's office.

Closing the door behind them, Cragen said, "Have a seat."

His voice was much more quiet and Elliot puzzled over the difference from the irritated bark of just a few seconds ago.

"I'm fine." He watched Cragen closely, trying to read him. He knew something was off, but not how much.

"Elliot - have a seat - please." Cragen's weary eyes pleaded and Elliot sat.

"Where's Olivia?" Elliot demanded.

"We need to talk, son," Cragen said softly, his eyes sad.

"Just tell me where Olivia is! Is she okay? What's going on?" He now stood and leaned over the captain's desk. His voice escalated as his heart skipped a beat and he couldn't suck in enough air. "_Where_ is she?"

"Elliot..." the captain started then looked away. Before he continued, his eyes shifted back to Elliot, "She's…uh…she's taking a break…from SVU."

The defeated look on Elliot's face as he fell back into his chair said it all. But it was only a matter of seconds before it was quickly replaced with incredulity and blind rage.

Cragen braced himself and prepared for what promised to be an epic scene with the unStabler.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	2. Chapter 2 Plausible

**May I just say this...please don't send the dogs after me, put hexes on me, curse me or quit reading my story. Just remember - life is not what its supposed to be...it is what it is. Can't wait to see what you think about this chapter. I 3 you guys!! " ) Bensler**

* * *

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 2**

**SVU Squad Room – Wednesday, December 10 – 10:45 a.m.**

Standing again, Elliot leaned over Cragen's desk, his knuckles white from the grip he had on the edge of it. His eyes penetrated his captain's and he asked again, each word emphasized, "Where is Olivia?" His voice was low and filled with the edge of explosiveness.

Cragen knew there was very little, if anything, that he could say or do to quell the turmoil raging within his detective. And he knew what he was about to say would do nothing but push that turmoil to surface.

"I'm sorry but I can't tell you where she is," he spoke firmly yet cautiously, fully aware of Elliot's increasing frustration and anger levels.

"What do you mean you can't tell me?" Elliot bellowed, his face was now red with rage and the vein in his neck pulsated with each beat of this heart.

In any other circumstance, Cragen would threaten to file a charge of disrespect for a superior officer against Elliot, but he knew the man was acting on something much more primal; something much more precious and important than the hierarchy of the NYPD.

"Olivia asked for privacy in this matter. I will not divulge information she has requested be kept confidential."

"Matter? What matter?" His voice was so loud it echoed off the walls. "Captain, you gotta tell me what's going on! _Where_ is she? Why did she leave SVU?"

Why did she leave me again, he wanted to ask? He could not take this. Not again. This not knowing; this uncertainty; this limbo. Between the divorce and Kathy's nagging him about not seeing the kids and now this with Olivia, he honestly thought he would lose his mind.

"It's confidential, Elliot."

"Is it because of me? Because things have been…you know…between us…we just…it's not good…not good…" His voice tapered to a whisper, the sentences broken, just as he now was. "I just…I've been…it's my fault she's gone…it's my fault." His voice strengthened again the volume enough to make Fin and Munch looked toward the office. "Tell me where she is so I can make this right!"

"It's not your fault…it has nothing to do with you," Cragen assured him.

"Then tell me where she is! Why she left!" he countered.

Cragen just looked at him and slowly shook his head. "Elliot, I can't. I _am_ sorry."

Elliot's hands now fisted at his side and he moved closer to Cragen, prompting the captain to stand up. Cragen had seen him lose his temper too many times to count over the years and he knew this was about to be another one if he could not somehow diffuse the situation.

"_Yes_, you can!! You _won't_! You can but you won't!! _Tell_ me where she is!" He roared the words as his hands flexed in front of him wanting so badly to jerk Cragen up by the collar; to squeeze the answers he needed from him. Knowing he would most likely lose his shield if he did, he was managed to contain his burning rage.

When he saw Cragen was not giving in, he tried another tactic. "Okay, okay. I'll just call her."

Why hadn't he thought of that already? It was so simple. He whipped out his phone, hit number one, staring defiantly at the captain. As it connected, his stomach tied itself in even more knots than it was already in as he remembered past times when she had left him and he called only to find the number no longer in working order. The phone went straight to voice mail - _'This is Detective Olivia Benson, Special Victims Unit, 16__th__ precinct, NYPD. If this is a true emergency, please dial 911 for assistance. Beginning December 11, I will be on an extended leave of absence. If you need help with one of my past cases or other help from the SVU please call Captain Donald Cragen at 217-555-0SVU which is 0677. Bye.'_

When he heard her voice he lost it. He fell into the chair closest to Cragen, hunching over, his head in his hands as he desperately tried not to completely lose control in front of Cragen. At least the phone was still in working order; at least she had not disconnected the service and left him with no way to contact her; no way for her to know he was looking for her. But she _had_ changed her message. She _was_ gone. And he didn't know when she was coming back. Or _if_ she was coming back. He took deep ragged breaths hoping to gain some of the control he had just lost.

Captain Cragen felt sorry for him but had no idea what to do to help him. He knew any words he had to say would mean nothing to the man. The only thing that would help would be for Olivia to talk to him, to explain why she was doing this, why she felt she had no choice but to do it this way. But in truth, he felt she _did_ have a choice. She was simply taking the easier way out in order to maintain her own sanity. And though in his mind it wasn't right, he knew she did what she could handle right now and for that he laid no blame on her.

"Elliot, I'm sure she has reasons for doing it this way. You know she will talk to you eventually…she'll make you understand."

He laughed at that statement. Talk to him? Make him understand? They _never_ talked to each other unless is was in some kind of code that had to be twisted and analyzed and things read between the lines before it had even a minimal chance of making sense. And then most of the time he was still left shaking his head and wondering just what was going on between them, just what their relationship really was. _'Take the shot!' 'Shut up, Elliot!'_ 'Why didn't you tell me?' 'It's complicated.' _'I'd give you a kidney.' 'Not if I give you mine first.' _'I get that you're on the rebound, but if you could keep it out of work, that would be great.'

And of course, even the things they said to others played into their relationship - _'You need a lift?' 'No, thanks, I'm good.'_ He did have to chuckle at that one. Porter didn't know what to make of that especially when Olivia just gave him that look that said 'sorry'. He was so jealous of Dean Porter he felt like he was in 7th grade all over again.

Yeah. She'd talk to him and he would not understand and he'd get mad and yell and beat up a locker or some other inanimate object. She would be upset and hurt and decide to avoid him and he would be too furious to speak to her and they'd be right back to where they seemed destined to stay – slap in the middle of Miscommunication 1101.

Elliot wiped at his eyes, hoping Cragen wasn't looking too closely at him, as he stood and clipped his phone back on his belt. "So, you won't tell why she left or where she is…"

Cragen slightly shook his head and looked down at his desk.

"Well…can you at least tell me how…how long she's gonna be gone?"

The captain looked up and searched Elliot's face. The man was in such anguish Cragen almost told him everything he wanted to know. Why had Olivia but him in this spot? Both of them. He sighed and said, "I'm not sure."

"Not sure?" Elliot's mouth fell open in shock. "What? She didn't want me to know that either?"

As the words sank in, he stared at Cragen and then did an about face and headed for the door. As he opened it, Cragen asked, "Where are you going?"

Hand on the doorknob, Elliot stopped, his forehead resting on the door. "To find my partner."

Cragen watched him go, knowing it was useless to try to stop him.

**New York Presbyterian Hospital - Wednesday, December 10 – 10:45 a.m.**

Shifting on the cold, hard table and looking up at the clock on the wall for the hundredth time, a deep, heavy sigh involuntarily seeped out of her. She wiggled her toes and looked down at the hideous, pale green 'slippers' with rubber treads on the bottom. Tugging at the short, cotton gown that did little to cover up the fact that she was naked beneath it she wished she had her sweats. It was so cold in that room. Why did hospitals and doctors' offices always have to be so cold, she wondered as she wrapped her arms around her body and began to shiver?

Olivia watched as Melinda got up and opened several drawers and cabinets before she found a thin, light-blue blanket. Bringing it to her, she unfolded it and laid it across Olivia's lap. "Better?" Melinda smiled as she looked into her friend's big, brown eyes.

Pulling it up to her chest, Olivia smiled back. "Yes. Thank you."

Melinda sat back down and idly flipped through a magazine. She read tidbits of information out loud hoping to take Olivia's mind off of the wait as well as what loomed before her.

"Why'd they tell me to be here at 7:00 if all I was going to do was wait? It's going on eleven," she whined.

"Well, they have to prep you and get the IV going and…" Melinda started explaining.

Olivia huffed, "I _know_ why, just don't understand why it has to take so long."

"It's possible there was a complication with one of the procedures before you and…" Melinda stopped mid-sentence and squeezed her eyes shut. "Olivia, I'm sorry…I-I didn't mean…"

"It's okay. You think I haven't already thought about everything that could wrong?"

Melinda crossed the room to Olivia, taking hold of her hands, she looked into her eyes. "Don't worry. Everything is going to go just fine."

She nodded her head. "I hope you're right, Doc."

The two friends grinned at each other and then Melinda pulled her into a bear hug.

**Streets of Manhattan - Wednesday, December 10 – 12:55 a.m.**

It had been nearly three hours since he left the precinct. He had gone to all her favorite restaurants, the area in the park where she sometimes sat and read, and to her apartment. There was no sign of her. Now he was on his way to see Melinda. He knew she and Olivia were good friends and hoped she knew something she was willing to share.

As he entered the M.E. lab, he saw it was empty. "Hey, Doc?" he called out as he looked around.

A young Asian man stepped in from the hallway, and asked, "Can I help you, Detective Stabler?"

Elliot turned and saw the familiar young M.E. Assistant – what was his name? – He should know; _Liv_ would know, but she's not here. "Uh…no…I mean, yeah. Looking for Doc Warner." He caught a glimpse of the name tag – Norio Kochi. That's right, Liv always called him 'Nor'.

"I'm sorry but she is not here today. May I help you?"

"She off on a case?"

"No. I believe it is a personal day."

Personal day. Was she with Olivia? Elliot's mind went into overdrive. "You know what she was doing?"

Norio frowned obviously not comfortable with this questioning. "No, I do not."

"Okay…okay. Well, when you see her, ask her to give me a call, okay?"

"Sure."

Smiling, Elliot slapped him on the back a couple of times. "Thanks, Nor. Appreciate it."

Back on the streets he kept thinking about what Melinda might be doing. Wondering if she had taken off to go somewhere with Olivia. He checked his cell phone for Melinda's home number, rang it and was highly irritated when a message in her husband Henry's voice came on. He waited and left a brief message. "Hey, Doc. This is Elliot. Can you give me a call when you get this message? Need to talk to you. Thanks."

**Office of ADA Alexandra Cabot - Wednesday, December 10 – 1:28 p.m.**

What now? He stood in front of the District Attorney's Office trying to decide if he should just call or actually go in and find Alex. She was probably Olivia's best friend, if Olivia made claims to such. She was more of loner than anything, but he knew she and Alex had been very close before Alex went into the WPP. He wasn't sure how close they were now that she was back because Alex had really been a pain to work with, jumping on them for every little infraction. It was almost as though she was on the defense's side at times.

He decided to face her in person. That way maybe he could read her face and see if she were being truthful with him. He needed to know where Olivia was! Checking the time, he was surprised to see Alex at her desk and not in court. He tapped on the open door and when she looked up, he did not miss the fleeting look of panic sweep across her face. She was good though and quickly broke into her disarming smile as she stood and came around her desk to hug him.

"Elliot. What a surprise? What brings you here?"

Pulling back from her, he smirked and told her, "Oh, I think you know exactly why I'm here."

"I do?" She seemed genuinely puzzled. He had to hand it to her, she _was_ good. After all she did have to do a certain amount of acting in the courtroom.

"Olivia's taking a break from SVU. You know where she is."

Eyeing him warily, she responded, "You posed that not as a question but rather as a statement."

"Excellent observations skills, counselor. _Where_ is she?" He looked her squarely in the eye as with heels she was as tall as he.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you are talking about, Elliot."

"Afraid? Afraid? Alex, if you are lying to me, you _better_ be afraid!" he growled.

"Are you threatening me, Detective Stabler?"

Narrowing his eyes at her, he took a step closer. "No. But if you know where Olivia is, you _better_ tell me!"

"Sounds like a threat to me."

He was angry with the exchange and now bellowed, "I _need_ to know where my partner is, Alex! I _need_ to know what is going on! I think you know! So, please tell me! Is she all right? Please!"

A voice called from the hallway, "Everything okay in here, Ms. Cabot?"

The voice belonged to a surly looking security guard. Alex was tall for a woman. Several inches taller than Olivia. But he still had good three inches on her as his bulk towered over her and though he would never hurt Alex, or any woman, he was sure he presented a rather intimidating picture in the guard's mind.

"Yes, it's fine, thank you, Len. Detective Stabler was just leaving."

"Leaving? I'm not going anywhere until I get some answers."

"Elliot! I just go my job back," she hissed. "I'm on a ninety day probation period. Please don't screw this up for me."

Throwing his hands up, he backed away. "You're right…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you at work. But Alex, please…" His blue eyes, filled with pain, caught hers. "Please, if you know where Olivia is, I just…I gotta talk to her…I gotta know she's okay…please."

She knew he was hurting, knew he was going crazy not knowing where Olivia was, but it was out of her hands. "Elliot, I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Look, I have to get back to work, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay…but Alex, if you hear from her, just tell her…" he bit the inside of cheek, "tell her…I…uh…I asked about her…and that just want to talk to her…I _need_ to talk to her…okay? I just need…I need…tell her to call me."

He left the DA's office and headed back to the precinct.

**SVU Squad Room – Wednesday, December 10 – 2:11 p.m.**

As he entered the squad room, Munch and Fin stared at him. He walked to between their desks and stopped. Looking between the two of them he pleaded, "If you know where Olivia is, please, please tell me. I've got to know."

The two men traded glances and Munch nodded at Fin. "All we know is she's left the unit. Said she had some things to take care of," Fin told him.

"Things? What kind of things?" Elliot wanted to know.

Shaking his head, Fin told him, "Wouldn't say. Just that she hoped to be back soon."

"Soon? How long is soon?" He exhaled sharply, scrubbing his face with both hands.

"Cragen wouldn't tell you anything?" Munch asked. He felt sorry for his colleague, but had nothing to offer that would help him. Olivia was the only one that could do that.

Elliot shook his head and sat down at his desk. "She wanted it to be confidential," he snorted. "I know everything about her just like she knows everything about me! What is going on that she feels like she can't tell me?" Even as he said the words he knew they weren't true. She didn't know he and Kathy had split up again- this time for good. And Olivia didn't know how he really felt about her.

"Maybe it's something she knows will upset you," Munch said quietly.

Staring at the older man, Elliot thought about what it could possibly be. Something that would upset him so much, she would leave again without telling him? Or telling Munch and Fin why? Something she wanted to remain confidential. The thoughts forming in his mind were not good ones. He kept remembering how Porter came onto her and how she seemed drawn to him. He tried to remember every exchange he had heard between the two.

'You've got my number.'

'Yeah, we all do.' Elliot responded before Olivia could say anything. That she had his number wasn't so out of the ordinary. Porter had been her case handler while she was undercover in Oregon. He remembered when she came back he asked her how she liked working alone. She replied that she didn't. At the time, he thought she meant she didn't like _working_ alone, but now he wondered if she meant she _didn't_ work alone. Because Porter had been there. What if they had been together…like _together_ in Oregon? While he was here with Dani, Olivia was there with Porter. He was driving himself insane.

Then his mind took him back to the night he and Morales were set up in Olivia's bedroom to download information from and to Dean's phone. As Olivia let Porter into the apartment he told her, "You look great." As he walked in he looked around and said, 'Hey, this place looks great, too. Last time I was here was…" And Olivia cut him off, 'Was under very different circumstances.' Why'd she cut him off like that – so quickly? Was she afraid he would say something that would indicate the _true_ nature of their relationship? He had always suspected something, was always jealous of the way Olivia seemed to light up around Porter even though she always had something smart-aleck to pop off at him. Elliot began a slow burn.

Counting the time since Porter had been there, he realized it had been right at six weeks. Six weeks since Olivia and Porter had…had…he shook his head trying to get the images out of his mind. Six weeks. He kept seeing Porter kissing Olivia, touching her. It's been six weeks and now Olivia mysteriously disappears for an indeterminate amount of time. Six weeks. That was how long it always took Kathy to know. That was how long it took for the first symptoms to kick in. Then he remembered how tired Olivia had been lately. Six weeks. That had to be it.

Grabbing his head with both hands, the tormented sound ripped from him. "Aaaaaauuuggggghhh!!!" The shout was one of despair; disbelief, and devastation.

It could not be anything else. It was the only plausible explanation. He was sick to stomach. Olivia was pregnant!

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	3. Chapter 3 Pacify

**Hey! I sure appreciate all the reivews! You guys make me want to keep writing!! " ) Benser**

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 3 – Pacify**

**SVU Squad Room – Wednesday, December 10 – 3:20 p.m.**

Fin and Munch did not know what to do with Elliot, so when he finally sat down at his desk caught in a daze, they were relieved. Eventually, he picked up a file and began reading and they thought the worst was over.

What they did not know was his mind was everywhere but the file before him. He begins analyzing everything and makes himself sick with worry that Olivia may have gone to get an abortion. He cannot believe she would do such a thing yet it is the only thing that makes sense to him. All afternoon he argues with himself about it. She had wanted a child so badly she applied to adopt only to be turned down because of the irregular hours she worked and that she was single with no close family to help out. No way would she take the life of her unborn child. Maybe Porter did not want to be a father. Maybe he dipped out on her or refused to believe it was his. That had to be it. She was so hurt she could only think of doing what seemed like an easy alternative. Elliot knew the traumatic consequences of that decision would be anything but easy.

At last, he gets his mind off of that possibility and begins to think about last night when the guys took Olivia out for a drink. The anger rises in him as he realizes it had been a 'farewell' drink. And he had not been invited or even aware that his partner, _his_ partner was set to leave him yet again. Wondering what all had gone on and what they had talked about with her, he began to press Fin and Munch for details.

"Hey." Elliot stood and walked to Fin's desk and sat on the edge of it. "Last night when you guys went out with Liv? What'd you talk about?"

Fin glanced at Munch and sat up in his chair. "You know…the usual."

Nodding, Elliot repeated, "The usual. So, tell me."

"About the case, all the snow we're supposed to get this weekend, just stuff. Nothing significant," Munch told him, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation.

Elliot snorted and shook his head. "So, you didn't talk about the fact that yesterday was her last day here? Or where she was going? Or what she'd be doing? Huh?"

Neither man made an attempt to answer him as they both fidgeted nervously.

"I find that hard to believe." Elliot stood up then leaned over Munch's desk, his fisted hands planted firmly on the desktop. He was quickly losing patience. "I want to know where my partner is. Now, I know one or both of you knows and you're gonna tell me or I'm gonna…"

"You're not going to do anything, Detective." Cragen's voice came from behind him.

Elliot gave Munch and Fin one more glare before turning to face the captain.

"Now, have a seat and get back to work or take a few personal days to calm down and get yourself in check before coming back to my squad room." Cragen's firm voice and steady stare left no room for argument.

Knowing he had lost this battle, Elliot offered no response other than to slowly make his way back to his desk to sit down. Cragen stood for a moment looking over the three men and once he was satisfied that they were working he headed back to his office.

As soon as he was out of hearing range, Fin mumbled under his breath, "Musta done somethin' to make 'Livia leave again."

Throwing his pen on his desk, his head jerking toward Fin, Elliot was on his feet in a split second. "What'd you say?" he demanded, his hands already curled into fists.

Fin swiveled in his chair to face Elliot and retorted, "You heard me."

"What? You aren't man enough to say it again? To my face?" Elliot taunts him.

Standing up, Fin did his own jeering. "What'd you do this time, Stabler? Ain't man enough to keep your partner from runnin' out on you _again_?"

The last words were barely out of Fin's mouth before Elliot's fist smashed into his jaw. Fin fell against the top of his desk but pushed off it and barreled into Elliot. As Fin's punch connected with Elliot's face, blood spurted from his nose. The man went absolutely ballistic and was all over Fin, one blow after another. Fin deflected most of the hits but was unable to get another punch in himself. Cragen and Munch pulled Elliot off him and for a second it looked like Elliot was ready to come to blows with Captain Cragen.

Furious, the captain took several deep breaths before, he addressed Elliot. "As of now you are on a three-day mandatory personal leave of absence. We'll talk later, but right now…I want you out of my sight."

Wiping the blood from his nose with the back of his hand, Elliot tried to talk. "Captain…I…"

"Out," Cragen told him as he pointed toward the double doors, his face stern and unyielding. He knew Elliot was on edge and he understood how he felt but he was not ready for apologies.

"Fin…I'm…I…uh…" Elliot looked like he had lost his best friend. He had. Olivia was gone.

Fin nodded slightly in understanding and possibly forgiveness, but Cragen took a step toward Elliot and repeated his command. "Out."

With Elliot gone, the remaining men looked at each other, the captain shaking his head.

"You really think sending him home is a wise decision?" Munch asked, knowing it would only give him more free time to think about Olivia.

"Well, I can't have him here beating on my detectives that are actually working. Maybe this will give him time to reflect on what he's done and get his head on straight," Cragen answered, jamming his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah…well, ain't nothin' gonna get his head straight 'cept 'Livia and knowing where she is." Fin held a tissue to the corner of his split lip.

"And now he's just going to have more time to drive himself crazy wondering _where_ she is and what's going on," Munch added.

Cragen nodded in agreement, knowing nothing short of talking to and or seeing Olivia Benson would pacify the man at this point.

**New York Presbyterian Hospital - Wednesday, December 10 – 6:11 p.m.**

Olivia groaned and shifted in the bed. Melinda stood from her chair at the bedside and placed her hand over Olivia's forehead.

"Olivia? Are you in much in pain?" she asked, frowning at the grimace on her friend's face.

"Mmmm…" Olivia turned her head toward Melinda and opened her eyes just for a second. One hand reached out for her and Melinda took it in both of hers, the other reach for her bandage swathed abdomen.

Olivia's grip was like iron and Melinda realized she must be in a tremendous amount of pain.

"Do you want me to get the nurse?" Melinda asked, wishing she could do something to help.

Olivia's whispered mumbling was indecipherable and Melinda leaned closer to try to understand her. "What? What is it, honey? Tell me."

"Uhhh…El…El…" she repeated over and over as she thrashed in pain. "Elliot…Elliot…El…"

Melinda sighed heavily knowing that Olivia did not want Elliot to know about the surgery or anything else. She pried Olivia's hand from hers, patted her arm and leaned in to tell her, "I'm going to find someone to get you some pain medication. I'll be right back."

Shooting fingers of intense pain etched their way across Olivia's body. Her hands covered the area, hoping to find relief. She needed something for it. Or someone. Someone to hold her hand and tell her she _would_ be all right. Someone to lend their strength to her until they lead her back to her own. And only one person who could do that. Elliot. She _needed_ her partner. They had always been the perfect balance for the other. She was his calmness when he erupted in anger; he her control when she had lost sight of hers. She gave him stability when his foundation was crumbling; he was her tether to sanity when she felt she could no longer live with the things they saw. In a strange way, they completed one another. And right now without him by her side during one of the worst times in her life, she felt lost, empty.

"Ms. Benson, your friend says you are in a lot of pain. The doctor has prescribed a shot of pain medication. It will act quicker than the pump and it will make you sleep, but you need the rest," the nurse spoke softly as Olivia turned her head toward her yet barely opened her eyes.

Melinda stood watch as the nurse administered the shot. A short minute later Olivia was out and Melinda looked at her friend, the pain that crumpled her face fading away and wished she could call Elliot. She did not understand nor agree with Olivia keeping this from him and could not help but wonder how long it would be before he found out. She hoped that she was not around when he did.

**Cabot Residence – Thursday, December 11 – 1:4 p.m.**

Alex looked around her living room one more time, checked the guest room again to be sure everything was in order. Melinda had called thirty minutes ago so they should be arriving any minute now. As she raked her hand across the bedspread to smooth an invisible wrinkle, the door bell rang.

Running to open the door, she took a minute to quiet herself. She had insisted on Olivia staying at her place while she recuperated from surgery and the aftermath. How she hated that her friend had been dealt this blow to her health.

Putting on her best smile, she opened the door, "Hey."

"Hey." Olivia and Melinda both responded.

Taking Olivia's bag from Melinda, she stepped back to allow them entrance. Surprisingly, though she was moving slowly, Olivia did not seem to need as much help as Alex thought she would.

Apparently, Olivia realized what she was thinking, "Pain patch."

"Good. OK…your room is right this way," Alex told her as she went toward the hallway. "I wanted you to have your privacy so I set you up in here because it has its own bathroom."

She put Olivia's overnight bag on the bed and turned back to the women.

"It's a beautiful room. Thanks, Alex." Olivia looked at Melinda. "And thanks for bringing me here. I don't know what I'd do without you guys."

"All right…enough of the emotional sideshow, I've got a light lunch fixed. Melinda said you did not get to eat at the hospital, so…" Alex handled her emotions about as well as Olivia and she knew it was uncomfortable for both of them.

After a lunch of salad, sandwiches and soup, Melinda and Alex settled Olivia in her room. No sooner had she pulled the blanket up around her, had her eyes fallen shut and sleep claimed her.

"How is she? Really?" Alex asked with a worried look on her face.

"Scared," Melinda told her.

"Who wouldn't be?" Alex said quietly staring at Olivia and wishing she could do something to keep her from having to endure all this.

Melinda sighed, "Well, we'll know for sure just what we are looking at Monday. Her doctor's appointment is at ten thirty.

"Do you think it would help to have us all there?" Alex asked.

"No. She doesn't even want me there, but I convinced her to let me come simply because I am a doctor."

"I can't believe she hasn't told Elliot," Alex commented absently.

"Me either. I've had several missed calls from him on my cell and at home yesterday and today. I don't have any idea what to say to him," she admitted.

"Yeah, well…he came to my office yesterday demanding that I tell him where she is." She shook her head. "She should have told him."

"What did you do?" Melinda asked in astonishment though she knew Elliot Stabler would not quit until he found his partner.

"I lied."

**Stabler Residence – Thursday, December 11, 11:57 p.m.**

Elliot was going crazy. He had been everywhere he could think of – restaurants, bars, the gym she used, the bookstore she liked where she would read and sip on a hot tea, everywhere – and he had called every one that might know where Olivia was. He had called Computer Crimes to see if she had transferred back to that unit and even swallowed his pride and called the FBI – not Porter – but Star. She knew nothing. Casey and Alex both claimed to know nothing and he had yet to hear back from Melinda – which he found quite suspicious. He decided he'd dropped by the lab to see her tomorrow.

Calling Olivia's cell phone was pointless because it had obviously been turned off. Knowing that the messages he had left on her home phone would go unanswered, he tried desperately to think of something to do that would help him find her. He was a detective, for Pete's sake! He should be able to find his missing partner. He laughed out loud at this thought. If Olivia did not want to be found, she would make it difficult. Then he laughed again. Difficult, maybe but not impossible. He would find her. One way or the other, he _would_ find her.

Continuing with his earlier thoughts, he made himself sick thinking of different scenarios between Olivia and Dean Porter. He could hear her tell him she was pregnant and his angry reaction. He could see her tears as Porter stormed out on her. Of course, she was devastated. Of course, she would see no other option.

Then he would change direction with the whole thing. No way would she abort the baby. It was, after all, a part of her, too. And she would want it. He _knows _she would want it. Heck, she tried to adopt a couple of years ago, so no way would she take the life of her own child. No way. If only he could find her, he would tell her he loved her and if she would let him, he would be more than willing to raise her baby as theirs. If only he could find her.

Three more days. If he could keep a modicum of sanity until Friday, it was his weekend with the kids and that would keep him busy the rest of the weekend. He just had to find something to do with himself until he picked them up. Then Monday he would be allowed back to work but he had to get himself together before then or he would be right back where he was now – suspended with nowhere to go, nothing to do. At least by working he might be able to forget Olivia for a little while.

**Office of Dr. Samuel Allen, Monday, December 15, 10:55 a.m.**

Dr. Allen checked the incisions and surrounding areas. "Still tender, huh?" he asked when Olivia flinched at his touch.

Olivia nodded silently.

"It will be that way for while. The main incision is rather deep and there was a good bit of tissue removed, but it is healing nicely as is this other one," he told her as his nimble fingers gently changed the dressing.

She nodded again. "Will there be…uh…" she hesitated and the doctor spoke again.

"A scar? Yes, but they will fade with time and a lot of the tissue will fill back in making the indentation barely noticeable.

She smiled at him. "I'm not worried about scars, doctor. I wanted to know will there be any recurrence of this."

"Oh…I'm sorry, I just assumed…most women worry about the scar. Well, there is always a chance of recurrence, but between the surgery and the treatments, there is a 95% chance that this is gone for good."

"And just what treatment are you recommending?" Melinda asked.

"Well, since there is metastasis – spreading, that is – to at least one lymph node in the groin area, a regimen of chemotherapy is in order."

Melinda's stomach dropped at the news. It _had_ spread to the lymph system. She had hoped this was not the case, but consoled herself with the fact that it was only in one, though she knew he would have removed all of them in the affected area.

"Chemotherapy?" Olivia's eyes widened and fear laced her whispered question. How she had prayed that she would not have to endure this.

Melinda reached for Olivia's hand, hoping to pacify her. Olivia grasped it like it was a lifeline and she was hanging on for life. In a way, that was _exactly_ what she was doing.

"Yes. We must take a hard line approach to this, Ms. Benson. Melanoma is a very deadly and aggressive cancer."

eoeoeoeoeo


	4. Chapter 4  Partner

**Hope you are still reading and liking it...I have been out of touch because my Mom has been in the hospital with two shattered vertebrae that were pushing on the spinal cord...had surgery May 7, will have a second surgery this Friday, May 21. One of my brothers, my sister and I have been staying with her 24/7. If you are a praying person, I would appreciate your petitions to God on her behalf. I am very worried about her. Thanks. " ) Bensler**

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 4 ~ Partner**

**Office of Dr. Samuel Allen - Monday, December 15, 11:00 a.m.**

Olivia pulled her hand from Melinda's grip and looked away from her and Dr. Allen. She stared at her fingers picking at the hem of her sweater.

"I never thought about something like this happening to me. I mean, I know about skin cancer and I…I just thought…I mean, I'm…I have an olive complexion…tan really easy…I don't think I have ever gotten a sunburn…so, I didn't…I never…" The words were broken and she wiped a few stray tears from her cheeks.

Dr. Allen nodded his head. "I'm afraid it is a common misunderstanding that if you tan easily and are darker in coloring you can't get melanoma. The truth is _anyone_ can get it, including those of African, Indian or Latino or any of the other darker ethnicities. Though we don't see the occurrence in these people as often, it can and does occur. And most often it is not diagnosed until the later stages."

Sniffling, Olivia looked up at the doctor and asked, "Okay…so what is the treatment going to entail?"

"Your chemo will be in pill form for approximately four to six months. We'll do some scans and tests in four months and determine if we need to go the full six."

"Pills? That doesn't sound so bad…I thought I'd have to be hooked up to an IV and sit for hours at a time in the hospital and get sick and all. I can handle pills," she said.

Melinda and Dr. Allen traded guarded looks that did not go unnoticed by Olivia. "What?"

Melinda took a step closer stilling Olivia's hands by covering them with hers. "The pills…they still have the same side effects as the IV chemo…"

The look on Olivia's face registered as a cross between disbelief and confusion. "You mean I'll be sick and…and lose…lose my…hair?" she whispered.

Melinda nodded her head ever so slightly, "Yes."

Olivia dug the heels of her hands into her eyes, refusing to let anymore tears fall. She was Detective Olivia Benson. She could do this. She was strong. This was not going to get her down. The sickness would go away and her hair would grow back. Yes. She could do this. She'd get through it. Somehow. Some way.

**Cabot Residence - Tuesday, December 16, 7:00 p.m.**

"Olivia, Captain Cragen is here," Alex called out from the foyer. She turned back to the captain. "She went to get a sweater. Should be right out. Have a seat, Don. Can I get you something to drink?"

"Thank you, I'm fine." He sat down on the nearest chair and looked around. He had never been to Alex's home and now surveyed his surroundings. The home was neat and very modern yet with a touch of classic elegance much as he would have expected from her. "How's she doing?" he asked as Alex took a seat across from him in another chair.

"She's got a lot to go through, Don, and right now I think it is all a bit overwhelming for her," Alex spoke softly not wanting Olivia to hear what she said.

He nodded and replied, "I just want her to know she's not going through it alone. I want to do whatever I can to help."

Olivia stopped at the edge of the kitchen, listening and watching Alex and Cragen for a few moments. Thought it had only been a week, she missed Don but didn't really know what to say to him. Being the center of attention and everyone's concern was beyond awkward for her. She was used to being the strong one, the one taking care of others.

Sucking up all the courage she could muster she joined them. "Captain, hey."

Cragen stood and went to meet her as she entered the living room, kissing her on the cheek. "Olivia." He smiled and embraced her warmly then held her at arm's length. "It is so good to see you."

"You, too. How's everything at work?" she wanted to know.

"Work is work. We can talk about it later. Right now I want to know how _you_ are doing?" He waited until she was settled on the couch before reclaiming his own seat.

Her brown eyes met his then traveled to the floor and finally to Alex. Alex nodded and stood up. She knew Olivia was very emotional right now and ill at ease with it in front of one person let alone more. "Well, I'll leave the two of you to visit. I have a brief I need to work on. Don, please feel free to come by anytime."

"Thanks, Alex. I will." Smiling, he stood as she excused herself.

"Liv, if you need anything just let me know. I'll be in the study." She gave both of them a smile as she left. "Good night."

Olivia and the captain sat in silence for several minutes after Alex left. Finally, he cleared his throat. From that action Olivia realized he was just as uncomfortable and nervous as she was. It seemed no one in the SVU did emotions very well. Especially, not in the light of what could be a life altering issue.

"Listen, I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, Olivia. But I just want you to know you don't have to go through it alone, okay? Whatever you need, I'm here. If you want to talk or just sit or you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here."

Eyes welling with tears, she smiled at him. "Thank you, Captain."

"Right now I'm not your captain. I'm just your friend."

Her head bobbed in understanding and she grabbed a tissue from the box on the end table to wipe her eyes. "The cancer spread to one lymph node. The doc removed all of them in that area and wants me to do chemo for four months. After that he'll do some tests and all and decide if I have to continue it for another two months. The chemo is in pill form."

Cragen already knew it was cancer but somehow hearing the word straight out and out made him feel like someone had punched him in the gut. "Mmmm…what kind of side effects will the pills have?"

"Same as the IV chemo…nausea, fatigue…uh…hair loss," her voice strangled at the last admission.

Cragen knew it would be hard for anyone to lose their hair, but for a woman in the prime of her life, he could only imagine what that would do to one's self-esteem. "Well, being bald does have advantages," he teased as he slid his hand over his bald head. "Never a bad hair day…and you save a ton on shampoo and haircuts."

Olivia couldn't help but chuckle at his attempt to lighten things and that made Cragen laugh and before they knew it, they were laughing so hard they were both wiping tears from their eyes.

They were so loud that, down the hall, Alex stopped working to concentrate on the laughter wafting through the air to the study. She smiled at it, grateful that someone was able to cheer Olivia up, even if it were only for a short while.

**SVU Squad Room - Friday, December 19, 9:15 a.m.**

Today made ten days since he had seen her. Ten days since he came to work and found she was gone. Again. Christmas was just around the corner and he had made a promise to himself that he would find her before then. The Reyes case kept Elliot, Fin and Munch busy for over a week giving Elliot little time to think about Olivia and cutting out any free time to try to find her. Finally giving up on getting anything out of his co-workers or captain, he was even more frustrated that his own attempts to find her had to be set aside.

Even so, in a way, he was actually thankful for this case because it did kept his mind off Olivia at least for most of the hours of his day. However, he had gotten very little sleep mostly because of the case but even when he was given a few hours to rest sleep was long in coming and tumultuous when it did. His appetite was virtually nil and when he looked into the mirror, he sometimes wondered was the reflection of the hollow-cheeked, red-rimmed, empty eyed man really him?

"Elliot?" Captain Cragen leaned out of his office and called across the room. "You got a minute?"

In answer, Elliot logged off his computer and headed to Cragen's office. Standing, he faced his commanding officer. "What's up, Cap'n?"

Cragen, standing with his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his dark trousers, eyed him warily before responding. The exhaustion of the last week seemed permanently etched on Elliot's face and Cragen knew all of his detectives needed a long night's sleep and a day or two off. But right now it was not going to happen. "One PP is sending a replacement for Olivia."

With that announcement, Elliot's whole demeanor changed. "Replacement?" he growled, his brows knitting together in a deep frown. "_No one_ is replacing Olivia. And I don't _need_ another partner."

Cragen realized his poor choice of words but knew no matter how he said it Elliot would know it was just a matter of semantics. No matter how he said it, the bottom line was Olivia was not coming back any time soon and they were short-handed. SVU needed an extra body.

"You don't have a choice. She'll be here first thing in the morning," Cragen told him, his voice firm.

"Captain, I don't _want_ another partner. I'm fine working alone or with one of the guys," he argued.

"It's out of my hands, Elliot."

Elliot stared at him, then release a defeated sigh. "When will Olivia…I mean, she is…is she coming back? Ever?"

"If she comes back, it won't be before four months are up and that's not definite."

If? He said 'if'. Four months. Four months without knowing where she was; how she was doing. Four months of not talking to her or seeing her. He would die. Elliot took a deep breath to steady his nerves. "You've talked to her," he stated in a low whisper.

The guilty look on Cragen's face told Elliot he was right. "When? How is she? Did you see her? Did you tell her I ask about her? That I need to talk to her? Did she say anything about me?" The questions tumbled out of him.

"Elliot…it's not your business…"

"Not my business? How can you…" A loud groan exploded from him as he shook his head and ran his hands over his face. "Not my business? She's been my partner for nearly eleven years and you tell me she's _not my business_?"

"Detective, you need to calm down. For whatever reason, Olivia chose for it _not_ to be your concern. Let it go." Cragen took a step toward him and was surprised when Elliot did not bow up to him, but instead seemed to deflate, to shrink right before his eyes. Now he was concerned about him. He would much rather have Elliot go off on him than just stand there, his shoulders slumping as all the fight seemed to drain out of him.

His eyes downcast, Elliot nodded and started out the door. There was nothing left to say or do. Tomorrow morning someone else would be sitting in Olivia's chair, leaning over her desk and Elliot did not think he could take seeing that. Where was she? It had been nearly two weeks and he knew nothing more than he did on the first day she was gone.

"Don't you want to know who it is?" Cragen asked him.

Stopping at the door, Elliot waited but did not turn around. No, he did not want to know. He did not care. Olivia was the only partner he wanted. Needed. Though the brass had given him others over the years, in his heart there was only one. Only one partner for him. Olivia Benson.

"She's been asking to come back to SVU. The brass decided this would be a good opportunity to give her another chance…see if she's ready," Cragen explained.

Elliot's mind exploded with thoughts and questions. _She? It had not registered that his new partner was another female. She? Come back? _Cragen was not talking about Olivia and the only other person he could think of would just cause more problems than he could handle right now. Closing his eyes, Elliot leaned his forehead against the door. Dani? Please, God…please, not Dani Beck, he muttered the prayer under his breath.

Olivia knew nothing about complicated.

eoeoeoeoeo


	5. Chapter 5 Poison

**Here is the next chapter of Shield. Sorry it took so long...my Mom has been in the hospital since May 4...was taken back to ICU (4th time since May 4) right before my son's high school graduation this past Thursday. She went in healthy other than the back problems and now has contracted something call C Diff - a bacterial infection common among older people who have been on a lot of antibiotics - she is not doing very well. Anyway this has been an extremely stressful and emotional time for me and my whole family. Please keep her and us in your prayers.**

** I really didn't intend for Shield to be this long...but I have come to the conclusion that I simply cannot write short stories. Oh, well...sorry. Hope you like this...it is finally getting to the more emotional, stressful, angsty scenes. Let me know what you think. Oh, and I hope I have redeemed myself in the eyes of some of my readers who nearly croaked when I mentioned that four letter word D-a-n-i. BTW I can't remember where I saw this but I loved it - if you know where it came from let me know: **

_**Wonder if Dani knows no one likes her? She has an approval rating of – 0**_

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 5 ~ Poison**

**Cabot Residence – Saturday, December 20, 7:30 a.m.**

The nausea had awaked Olivia several times during the night, each instance ending with her retching into the waste basket stationed at her bedside for that express purpose. In her weakened state she would never have made it to the bathroom. Lying there in the semi-darkness she felt empty. Her mind was like a blank slate – no real thoughts; no motivation to do anything. But at least the nausea was gone and in its place only a mild queasiness remained.

Finally, she slowly turned and edged to the side of the bed to sit up. After steadying herself with one hand on the headboard and the other on the mattress, she managed to make it to a standing position. It took several minutes for her equilibrium to catch up with her movements and allow her to make her way to the bathroom. What she needed was a really hot shower.

The water sluicing over her weary body felt so good. If only she could stay there drawing its renewed strength, invigorating her entire being. She reached for the shampoo, pouring a generous amount into her hand and lathering it through her hair. Massaging her fingers along her scalp she reveled in the feeling of the tension draining from her.

As she was rinsing her hair she felt the water in the stall rising to cover her feet. At first she thought perhaps the drain was just slow but as it became ankle deep she opened her eyes and peered down to see what was going on.

Alex had just sat down with a file and a cup of coffee when she heard a sound coming from the direction of Olivia's room. Listening intently, she was on her feet and running down the hall when she heard it again and realized what it was.

Tapping at the closed door she waited. "Olivia?" The only response was more crying. "Olivia, I'm coming in."

The bed was empty but she saw the light through the partially opened bathroom door. She made her way across the room. As she slowly pushed the door open, she found Olivia sitting on the closed toilet, wrapped in her pale blue robe, crying.

Kneeling beside her, Alex whispered, "Oh, sweetie, what is it?"

Hunched over, her hands in her lap, shoulders shaking with her sobs, Olivia could not answer. Alex was concerned and wanted to help. She placed her hands over Olivia's and gently squeezed.

"Are you in pain? Do I need to call the doctor?"

As she shook her head, another cry tore from Olivia.

"Honey, you have to tell me what's wrong so I can help you. Please," Alex begged.

With great effort, Olivia pulled her right hand free from Alex's and opened it. Alex's eyes widened and her heart broke. In Olivia's hand was a clump of her dark brown hair. At a loss for words, Alex looked into Olivia's red-rimmed eyes and pulled her into her arms and together their tears fell.

**SVU Squad Room - Saturday, December 20, 7:49 a.m.**

Dreading what lay ahead, Elliot tried to think of what he would say to Dani Beck when he saw her this morning. A perfectly good Saturday ruined by a missing Olivia, a present Dani and another horrific case. Why didn't he just get a regular job where he was off in the evenings and weekends - and holidays, he wondered?

The elevator door opened, he took a deep breath and headed for the squad room. As he entered he saw a woman talking with Cragen. He frowned because although she had blonde hair, it was just past her shoulders and straight. The frizzy curls Dani had worn when they were partners were replaced with the more flattering hairstyle. Still, he knew it was her from her movements.

The lead weight that had been in his stomach since Cragen told him he was getting a new partner just gained ten more pounds. He dropped to his chair and logged onto his computer. He did not want a new partner. He only wanted Olivia. He did not want to deal with Dani. Once before he had tried to let her take Olivia's place and it didn't work. It could never work. In his mind, in his heart Olivia was irreplaceable and Dani only served to remind him how bad things were when Olivia left him all those years ago.

"Elliot. Can I see you a minute?" Cragen stood at his office door and motioned for Elliot.

Looking up he saw Dani fumbling with some folders. "Yeah," he answered and walked toward Cragen's office as Cragen went back inside.

Dani was about ten feet out of Cragen's office when they met. "Elliot, hi. It's been a long time," she smiled and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.

Her new haircut gave her a softer, more feminine appearance, Elliot noted. She looked good. "Yeah. It has. How you doing?" That weight in his stomach was now causing a bit of nausea.

"Great. What about you?"

"Been better, been worse," he stated honestly.

She knew how much he cared about his partner. "I know. I heard about Olivia. I'm sorry," she said quietly.

Elliot could barely stand to hear her say Olivia's name. He swallowed the lump in his throat and replied. "Yeah…took a leave of absence…but she'll be back. This is only temporary."

They stood there awkwardly looking at one another and then looking away both obviously at a loss for words.

Finally, Dani spoke again. "Well, I need to get these over to Captain Newsome." She tipped her head down toward the stack of files in her arms.

"Oh…okay. When will you be back?"

She looked at him funny, like she misunderstood what he asked. "Excuse me?"

Elliot's eyes narrowed at this as he crossed his arms over his chest. "When will you be back? We've got a lot to do today. Interviews with the vic's co-workers and friends, several leads on the suspect…I need to know when you will be back so I can plan our day."

A look of realization flooded her face. "Oh….you think that I…that you and I are…" She laughed softly and shook her head. "No, no, no, no."

Elliot stared at her, perplexed over her reaction to his question.

She put her free hand on his arm. "Elliot, I couldn't replace Olivia the first time. What makes you think I'd try that again?"

"What?"

"I'm _not_ your new partner, Elliot."

"But Cragen said you had been asking to come back and the brass thought this was a good chance to see if you were ready," he told her.

"Wasn't me. I can't handle special vics. _You_ know that. I _never_ want to come back to this unit."

Completely confused and thrown off guard, Elliot asked more to himself than Dani, "Then who…"

"Me," another female voice answers, this one also familiar.

Elliot turned to see Monique Jeffries standing with Captain Cragen.

And just like that, the lead weight was gone.

**Streets of Manhattan – Police Cruiser - Monday, December 22, 10:30 a.m.**

Elliot and Monique fell right into step. It was like she had never been gone. She and Elliot had always gotten along when she was a part of SVU. They had seen each other off and on at various police functions over the years so it wasn't like they had not kept up with each other.

"So, what made you want to come back?" Elliot asked during a stake-out.

"Never wanted to leave in the first place."

"Yeah. You know Cragen didn't want you to leave. He thought a lot of you. Still does."

"I know that now, but when all that went down, I felt like he didn't have my back."

"And you don't feel that way now?"

She shook her head. "No. Couple of years of counseling made me see how I was internalizing what we saw every day. Instead of talking about it, I acted on it. I was using promiscuous sex as my way of controlling how I had begun to see men use sex as a weapon. Figured if I was the one initiating sex then it was _my_ weapon not theirs. Cragen was right when he told me that what I was doing was tantamount to eating my gun. I didn't believe him then."

"Not sure I follow you…"

"Sexual assault takes away a woman's right to say yes or no. It steals her dignity, her pride, her security. By choosing to have sex with strangers, _I _was making the choice of whether or not to have sex. It gave _me_ control. And in some twisted way, I felt like it gave me control over the scumbag perps we arrested. I was the one with the weapon."

Elliot nodded and agreed, "Oh, I get it now. So you aren't…uh…you don't…"

Laughing, Monique punched him lightly in the shoulder. "No, I don't sleep around. In fact…" She held up her left hand. "I've been married for just over three years and I have a two year old daughter."

Pulling her into a sideways hug, Elliot told her, "That's great. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks. Do you mind if I ask you something?"

Elliot glanced at her, then leaned his head against the headrest and closed his eyes. "Yes, Kathy and I _are_ split up. No, Olivia and I _not_ together."

"How'd you know what I was going to ask?"

He shrugged. "Cause it's what everyone _wants_ to ask but never does."

"Can I ask you something else?"

"Monique, you can ask me anything. I may not answer, but nothing is off limits. You're my partner. We need to know and trust each other in everything."

"Okay. What's going on between you two to make Olivia leave?"

Shaking his head, he scoffed, "Honestly…I don't have a clue." He raked his hand over his head and turned to Monique. "Liv doesn't even know Kathy and I split again. Olivia and I haven't been getting along very well and it was mostly because of all the stress I've been under because of the home situation. And because…because I…I…nothing."

Monique looked at Elliot for a long time. Clearly, he was miserable without Olivia. "You need to tell her."

"I was waiting until the divorce is final. I didn't want to drag her into all the drama."

"I meant you should tell her how you feel."

"What?"

Monique leaned toward him and put her hand on his arm. "Stabler, it's the best known secret in the NYPD. You've had a thing for Olivia Benson for years. _Tell_ her."

This announcement completely silenced him. He could not even find it within himself to deny what she said because he knew it was true. But there was nothing he could do about it. At least not yet.

After a fairly long silence, Monique asked another question. "Where is she?"

Elliot only shook his head.

"You _really_ don't know?" She could not believe Olivia would not let Elliot know where she was going.

"No. Do you?" He sat up straight sudden very interested in what she had to say.

"No. Cragen only told me she was on a leave of absence for up to six months, but possibly longer. I can't believe she didn't tell you where she was going."

He fell back against the seat again and gripped the steering wheel. "Yeah? Well, believe it. This is the third time she's done this."

And quite possibly the last, he thought.

**Office of Dr. Samuel Allen, Oncology Specialist - Monday, December 22, 11:30 a.m.**

"Olivia…I'm so sorry. But you knew this would happen," Dr. Allen's voice was soft and sympathetic, his eyes filled with compassion.

Sniffling, she nodded and said, "I know, I know. I…I guess I didn't think it would happen so soon. I was just hoping that maybe…maybe it would be _after_ Christmas."

Saturday morning when Olivia's hair had started falling out, plugging up the shower drain, she had Alex go buy a couple of colorful scarves and some barber shears and shave Olivia's head. She was not going to walk around trying to disguise the hair loss like a bald man with a bad Donald Trump comb-over. This way she felt like she had some semblance of control over what was happening to her body.

She repositioned the scarf and took a deep breath. "I don't know if I can do this for four months."

Dr. Allen took her hands in his and said, "One day at a time, Olivia. You only have to do _one_ day at time. You are a strong woman and I _know_ you can do this. And before you know it, four months will be passed."

Wiping at the one tear that trickled down her face, she agreed, "One day at time."

Casey had flown back to New York from Colorado late Saturday to spend some time with Olivia and she now waited at the checkout station with her while Olivia paid the co-pay and made her next doctor's appointment.

"You feel like getting something to eat?" Casey asked as they walked through the waiting room.

Olivia was looking at all the people waiting. Waiting to be told 'it's malignant'; 'it's stage 4;' 'the treatment is not working' or 'it is working' . Waiting to hear that their life has been turned upside down because of cancer – theirs or a loved one's. Waiting to see if the hand they are dealt is life or death.

Waiting. A young girl with a scarf, much like Olivia's, covering her head; a man emaciated from chemo yet the remnants of his good looks still visible, his wife holding his hand; a toddler in the lap of a worried looking mom with dad hovering over them; a teenage boy on crutches, steadying himself on his remaining leg; an elderly woman, frail and confused, softly crying to her son that she didn't want any more of that 'poison' as she called the treatments; she just wanted to die in 'peace'.

Olivia felt the walls closing in on her. She could not find the next breath. But she did not want to die. She wanted to live. She needed someone like all these people had with them. She needed someone to be strong for her. To tell her 'yes, she would make it'. She needed someone else's strength and courage and tenacity and stubbornness. She _needed_ Elliot.

"Liv? Are you okay?"

Casey's voice pulled her back from her thoughts and Olivia turned to see the concerned expression on her face and felt bad that she worried her friend. "I gotta get outta here," she said in raspy voice.

Casey opened the door, holding it for Olivia. As soon as they were out of the office, Olivia fell against the wall of the lobby and closed her eyes.

"Liv? What's going on?"

Shaking her head, she told her, "Nothing…I just…I need to catch my breath."

"Do you want to sit down?"

"Yes…yes, that would be good."

Casey looked around but there were only four chairs in the lobby and they were taken. Completely unaware of anyone around them, they did not see the blonde woman watching in shock from across the room.

"There's a little café around the corner. Let's go there to sit and maybe get a little something to eat. Might make you feel better."

Olivia nodded and let Casey help her out of the building.

**Office of Paul Carmen, Attorney at Law - Monday, December 22, 1:40 p.m.**

"I need your initials at the bottom of each page and your signatures at the end of each document – here, here, here and here," Paul Carmen pointed to the places for them to sign.

Elliot finished his part quickly and leaned back waiting for Kathy to finish. He watched her large, elegant writing and thought how similar it was to Olivia's. Bold yet classy. Neat. His handwriting had gotten him in trouble all through his school years and even now Cragen regularly returned reports to him to be re-written. He really should make better use of all the forms on the computer. He did know how to _type_ neatly.

Kathy slid the papers toward the attorney and looked over at Elliot. This time around there was none of the animosity that festered between them four years ago. This time they were in agreement that it had to be over. That their marriage had died a long time ago and holding on was doing nothing but hurting everyone involved. Now they would be free to start a new life apart from one another. She was sure Elliot's would include Olivia and strangely, she held none of her previous jealousy about that possibility.

"I'll file this in the morning, and it should be finalized sometime next week. Just in time for the new year celebration," the attorney joked.

Kathy and Elliot exchanged looks. They were both thinking there was nothing funny about splitting up a family; nothing to celebrate about the dissolution of a marriage no matter how bad or miserable it had been.

As they left the attorney's office, Elliot, ever the gentleman, held the door for Kathy. They stood outside in the bright sunshine and looked around, a bit ill at ease with each other. Finally, Elliot turned to her and gave her a hug.

"Kathy, I'm sorry I couldn't be the husband you needed. Maybe you can find that with someone else. I just want you to be happy…and know I'll always be here for you."

"I know. You're a good man, El. We just weren't suited for one another. There will always be a piece of my heart that belongs to you and I will always be here for you, too."

They hugged again and Elliot was grateful that the split was amiable and he hoped that one day they could truly be friends. "Well, I need to get back to the precinct. We're still doing Christmas Eve together, right?"

"Yes. Be at the house around 6:00."

"All right. See you then."

"Oh, Elliot?" Kathy had stopped and come back toward him.

"Yeah?"

"Why haven't you told me Olivia was sick?"

Elliot's heart stopped. "What?"

"Olivia. Why didn't you say something?"

"I…I…what are you talking about?" he asked as his stomach churned.

"Lizzie had an appointment with the dermatologist this morning. She didn't want me to come up with her so I was sitting in the downstairs lobby and I saw Olivia and the red-headed ADA…Casey?...coming out of Dr. Allen's office."

"Casey?" What was Casey doing in New York, he asked himself?

"And Olivia," Kathy repeated as she watched Elliot's reaction. "Casey was helping her."

"Casey helping Olivia? Helping her do what?"

"Walk. Olivia was not very steady on her feet."

Elliot tried to picture what Kathy was relaying to him, but he could not visualize Olivia needing help for anything, let alone walking. She had walked in sync beside him for nearly eleven years; she chased perps, outrunning Elliot though she was not as fast as him. No, she did not need help walking. Not his partner. Not his Olivia.

"Are you sure it was them?" he asked, his face of a picture of incredulity.

"Elliot, I recognized Casey and I _know_ Olivia. Even though she had a scarf on her head, it was her. I'm positive."

"Who had a scarf?"

"Olivia."

"Olivia doesn't wear scarves on her head," he argued. She wrapped them around her neck, but he had never seen her put one on her head.

The sudden realization that hit Kathy was almost too much for her to grasp.

"Oh, my goodness. You don't know anything about this," she whispered, now distressed that she was going to be the one to give Elliot this bad news.

"About what, Kathy? What don't I know about? What?" he demanded, his emotions now all over the place.

Kathy lightly laid her hand on his arm, in what she knew was a vain attempt to calm him. "El, Dr. Allen is an oncologist," she said softly.

Elliot heard her and the ground beneath him disappeared.

He understood her and he lost his bearings.

His breathing turned erratic and he struggled to find air.

The crushing pressure in his chest had him clutching it and looking for somewhere to sit down. Kathy held his arm as he sat on the brick and concrete fencing at the entrance of the attorney's building then sank down beside him.

Oncologist? Elliot's mind had so many thoughts snapping like livewires, he felt like he was on the verge of going insane. Oncologist meant one thing.

Cancer.

Olivia.

Olivia has cancer.

Now _everything_ made sense - yet at the same time _nothing_ made sense.

eoeoeoeoeo


	6. Chapter 5a Mom

Sorry...this is not a true update. I've had so many emails/reviews wondering when I am going to post, I wanted to tell everyone at the same time. Some already know – and thank you for the encouraging emails – please forgive me but I just have not been up to responding yet, but they do lift me up.

In the last chapter notes for Shield, I mentioned my Mom was in the hospital - went in on emergency for shattered vertebrae on May 4. She passed away June 6. She was my best friend and I am not handling her death very well at all. If you pray, please pray for me and my family. Mom's passing was so unexpected.

Besides the grief, I am infuriated the infection which took her life was spread by a healthcare worker who did not properly wash their hands. Totally UNRELATED to the two major back surgeries she survived - was up walking after the first one. After the second one she got C diff – (C_lostridium difficile - It has taken over as the #1 infection acquired in hospital/nursing home environments – even over the dreaded staph infection MRSA_) bacteria paralyzes the intestines/colon and the body cannot rid itself of normal toxins let alone the toxin the bacteria manufactures. She was in good health other than high bp and cholesterol; took meds for those. And now she is gone. Senselessly.

I will get back to writing and will finish my stories – promise – as soon as I can concentrate for longer than five minutes. Probably even start posting the sequel to Keep It in the Family. Thank you for your patience and for being such faithful readers and friends. I love you guys! 3 Please, please keep me in your prayers. I need them desperately. " ( Bensler

P.S. If your Mom is still around, go give her a hug; tell her you love her, or call her and tell her.


	7. Chapter 6 Panic

**Hope someone somewhere is still interested in this...love to hear what you are thinking... " ) Bensler**

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 6 ~ Panic**

**Outside of the Carmen & Associates Building - Monday, December 22, 1:40 p.m.**

He had to find her. He had to see her.

Elliot felt Kathy's arm around his back, her hand caressing him in gentle, circular movements and was thankful that she was with him. He didn't think he could face this knowledge alone. Her mere presence and familiar touch provided that much needed shield from the panic that was trying to take control of him. So, if only for a little bit, Kathy was able to soften the effect of this devastating news he had to bear.

In a matter of seconds, his life had changed in so many ways. With the stroke of a pen he was no longer someone's husband, no longer defined by all the things that husbands are supposed to be. He was now free to begin a new life, go in a different direction. And now with a few words strung together and delivered by his soon to be ex-wife he finds the very woman he hoped to take with him on his new life's journey had been stricken with a most dreaded disease - cancer.

"I'm sorry, El. I thought you knew," Kathy whispered to him.

Bringing his hands to his face, he wiped at his eyes before saying anything. "She…uh…she took a leave of absence and didn't even tell me," he managed to choke out before his voice cracked.

Kathy nodded but remained silent. She felt so sorry for him. She remembered how he was when Olivia had gone undercover in Oregon without letting him know. Elliot had explained that she had no choice then because the FBI gave her no time to call, but Kathy knew he still held it against her and she couldn't help but wonder why Olivia did not tell him this time.

"Cragen knew but he wouldn't say because she…she didn't want anyone to know. She didn't want me to know…that's what it's all about. Says he can't divulge personal information like that." Sniffling, he wiped at his eyes again and still avoided looking at Kathy. "Liv's been my partner for eleven years, Kathy! Eleven years and she didn't want me to know. Now it all makes sense."

Kathy began to think she understood Olivia's actions now. By not telling him she was leaving, she avoided having to tell him why. Olivia was trying to protect him.

"What makes sense?"

"Why she told Cragen she'd be out up to six months, if not longer. She's doing chemo…"

"She'd still be able to work some…there must be another reason," Kathy told him.

Elliot released a sarcastic laugh. "Yeah…she could work. They'd have her riding a desk and Olivia would go insane having to do that for six months."

"Maybe. But I think Olivia was really just trying to shield you from knowing because she knew how much it would upset you."

"What! She thinks her just leaving and not telling me wouldn't upset me? I don't buy that. She just…she…we haven't been getting along and she…she just didn't want me to know anything about what was going on because…because…oh, God!" Elliot lost it, put his head in his hands and let go.

His breaking down was not something Kathy had seen much of and it really bothered her. She didn't know what to do or say but she had to do something.

"El, it will be okay." She leaned close to talk quietly because passers-by on the sidewalk were beginning to look at them.

Violently shaking his head, he told her, "No. It won't…it won't because the last thing I told her before she left was that…that…_she_ was my problem."

Horrified at this admission, Kathy tried not to show it. "Why would you tell her that?"

"I told you we weren't getting along…and she was sighing and irritating me and I jumped at her and she asked what my problem was and I told her '_My_ problem is a partner that's sitting there doing nothing except sighing out loud and disturbing my concentration'. He sniffled again, and cleared his throat. "And then…then she told me 'life has a way of solving _all_ problems eventually' and then she left. I never apologized to her…I never even got to talk to again."

"Oh, Elliot. I'm sure she didn't…"

"Don't you get it? She was telling me she was going _die_ and then I'd be rid of my 'problem'.

He was beside himself and Kathy knew she would not have any luck trying to win this argument, so she changed tactics. "Have you tried calling her or going by her apartment?"

Of course, he had.

"She…she won't answer my calls or texts. And she's not staying at her place."

"Well, she was with Casey so maybe she's staying with her," Kathy suggested.

Elliot looked at Kathy now and shook his head. "No, Casey was censured last year. She went back to Colorado. She must here because of Olivia. If she came all this way then…" He stood up and reached his hand out to Kathy to pull her up. "I've got to find Olivia."

Kathy hugged him. "You will and she's going to be all right, Elliot. I know she will."

"Thank you for saying that, Kath." He pulled her to him and held her.

Pulling away from him, Kathy willed herself not to give into the tears welling behind her eyelids. "Go, Elliot. Go. Find Olivia."

**Cabot Residence - Monday, December 22, 1:45 p.m.**

"_Next morning I answered the letter by a slip of paper, inscribed, 'Master Heathcliff is requested to send no more notes to Miss Linton, as she will not receive them.' And, henceforth, the little boy came with vacant pockets_." Cragen finished reading the chapter and looked up at Olivia. "Would you like me to continue?"

Her eyes were closed but she shook her head. "Thank you so much, Don, but aren't you tired of reading aloud?" Opening her eyes, she shifted to sit up in the bed.

He chuckled lightly. "No. I enjoy doing this. I've never told anyone but Marge and I used to take turns reading chapters to each other. I'd forgotten how much I miss it," Cragen replied as he placed the ribbon marker and closed the book.

"I enjoyed it, too," Olivia told him with a big smile. "Wuthering Heights is one of my all time favorites. I had started reading it again before…before…" Her voice trailed off. She took a deep breath. "Before I got sick."

"Having an English professor for a mother I guess she made you read all the classics."

She nodded her head. "Mother was an avid reader and she made sure I had plenty of age appropriate books as well as access to hers." Olivia sighed as she thought about her mom. "But she didn't have to make me read…every spare minute I had, my nose was in a book. It was an escape from reality."

"I know what you mean…when I was a kid I loved Zane Grey's western stories and the Hardy boys' mysteries. I used to pretend that I was Joe and Frank's little brother." Cragen smiled at the memory and shook his head.

"What were _you_ escaping from?"

Cragen gaze met hers as he shrugged his left shoulder and scoffed, "I'm not sure…maybe just life. My home life left a lot to be desired." He was not quite sure why he was sharing things with Olivia he had never told anyone except Marge. "What is it about Wuthering Heights that intrigues you?"

Olivia had been staring at the wall as she processed what Cragen had shared and now she turned to face him. "Heathcliff. Even though he was taken in by Mr. Earnshaw after he lost his parents and had foster siblings his age, he was alone."

Cragen watched her as she spoke and he saw the sadness that clouded her countenance and wished he could do something to change what her life had been. Was.

"In some ways I connect with him...I see the…the loneliness, the hurt, the rejection, the anger…and I…I know just how he feels." She looked up at the Captain, bit her lower lip and looked down at her hands twisting the hem of the blanket. "He's dark haired, dark skinned and that reminds me of myself…that I don't know half of my genetic makeup…that I must get my looks from my father's side since mother's entire family were fair skinned."

"But you met Simon and you've seen pictures of your father," Cragen reminded her.

"It's not the same. I never _knew_ him. I was never really his daughter. And I never felt completely accepted by my mother either. I never had a sense of belonging anywhere until…I…" She shrugged and looked away. "Heathcliff and I are alike. He never belonged either…even though he had an adopted family, he was never accepted. And the woman he loved…he couldn't have her…and well… it's just all so sad."

"Yes, it is sad. But you aren't like him in all respects, Olivia," Cragen spoke softly as he leaned toward her and took her hand.

"How are we different?"

"He let bitterness and hatred for his lot in life and the people who hurt him, consume him and turn him into a vengeful, evil person which culminated in the loss of his own life. You took the bad things that happened to you and dedicated your life public service and to helping victims of crimes like the one that colored your mother's life as well as yours."

Pondering his words, Olivia was silent.

Cragen stood up then sat on the edge of her bed. "And one more thing…you _do_ belong somewhere, Olivia. You belong at the SVU, the surrogate family for the lot of us. You mean more to us than we let on most of the time but not one of us would know what to do without you."

Olivia was on the verge of crying as she looked up at her captain and nodded. When he leaned down and hugged her, Olivia's eyes closed as the tears escaped and she clung to her captain. "I wouldn't know what to do without you guys either," she sniffled. Especially Elliot, she thought.

**SVU Squad Room - Monday, December 22, 2:30 p.m.**

Twenty minutes ago Captain Cragen had returned from spending his lunch break with Olivia and was now engrossed in a report on a suspect in a string of rapes. The ringing of his phone pulled his attention from the file before him.

"Cragen."

"Don, I wanted to prepare you…Elliot just left here and he is _extremely_ upset."

Cragen glanced out into the squad room. "What's going on?"

"It seems Kathy saw Olivia and Casey coming from Dr. Allen's office this morning and told Elliot. She knew the doctor was an oncologist…and well, you know how Liv looks right now and Kathy told Elliot and..."

"And he put two and two together," Cragen finished the sentence for her.

"Yes. I don't want to go against Olivia's wishes, Don, but he _knows_ now and I just don't see how we can keep him from her."

"It's not our call, Alex. I made a promise to Olivia and I intend to keep it."

"Well, he is a detective and it won't be long before he _will_ find her."

"I know…and we'll all have to deal with it when he does." Even if he were not a detective Elliot would find Olivia because he cares so much about her, Cragen thought.

"Captain?" Elliot's voice echoed through the squad room. "Captain?"

"He's here. Thanks for the heads up, Alex. I'll call you later." Standing, Cragen hung up the phone and waited.

Elliot barreled into Cragen's office, stopping short when the captain met him at the corner of his desk.

"Tell me where Olivia is," Elliot demanded.

Meeting Elliot's searing stare, Cragen simply shook his head. "You know I can't do that, Elliot."

"Yes, you can and you _will_," Elliot took a step closer to him, hands flexing into fists, nostrils flaring, eyes narrowed in anger.

"I'm not going against Olivia's wishes." Cragen moved toward Elliot until their faces were mere inches apart. "I know you're upset…I would be, too…but Olivia has her reasons for not telling you. She trusted me and I'll not break that trust."

Elliot's hardened features crumbled as his hands came up to scrub over his face. "She used to trust _me_…what have I done to her…to us…what have I…" He dropped heavily into a chair and ran his hands over his head, grasping his neck with laced fingers. "She didn't tell me…she has…cancer…how could she…how could you…keep it from me…" He looked up at Cragen with a pained expression. "Cap'n…she has c-cancer. Olivia has cancer. And she didn't tell me."

Elliot put his head in his hands and Cragen could hear him sniffling. He wasn't used to dealing with this kind of emotion from any of his detectives, let alone one who always seemed as confident and strong as Elliot Stabler.

"She's gonna…d-die, isn't she? That's why she went away…that's why…" Elliot choked on a sob as his shoulders shook from his attempt to keep from losing total control.

Cragen, his decision made, picked up the phone and quickly dialed a number. "We need to talk."

eoeoeoeoe


	8. Chapter 7  Pry

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 7 ~ Pry**

**SVU Squad Room - Monday, December 22, 2:50 p.m.**

George Huang had barely knocked before Cragen open the door and motioned him inside. One look at Elliot Stabler and he knew why the captain had summoned him. The detective was visibly distraught.

Elliot looked up, saw Huang then stood abruptly. "No, no. I don't need to be shrinked."

"You need to talk to _someone_, Elliot." Cragen looked at the psychiatrist. "That's why I called Dr. Huang."

Vehemently shaking his head, Elliot argued, "Captain, I don't…I don't need to…the only person I need to talk to is my partner."

Huang had no idea what was going on and looked on in total bewilderment at the two men.

"And I think you do." Cragen's voice was firm.

"Is this an order?" Elliot glared at the captain.

Cragen jammed his hands in the front pockets of his slacks before replying in a quieter voice. "Does it need to be?"

Elliot stared at Cragen then let his gaze shift briefly to Huang. Teeth scraping over his bottom lip, Elliot gave a slight shake of his head as he dropped into a chair.

Cragen nodded. "I have a meeting at 1PP, so my office is yours." As Cragen turned to leave he squeezed Elliot's shoulder and patted it in a silent gesture to let him know he was there for him. He desperately wished there was something he could do to make this whole situation disappear.

Once they were alone, Huang watched Elliot. He had lost enough weight that George could tell even with him sitting. From past experience he already knew whatever was going on most likely involved Olivia. He waited several minutes for Elliot to speak. Just as he decided he was going to have to be the one to break the silence, Elliot shifted in the chair and cleared his throat.

"You know where Olivia is?" Elliot asked. His voice was little more than a whisper.

"I know she has taken a leave of absence."

"Do you know why?"

"No. I don't."

The pain reflected in Elliot's eyes when he looked up, caught Dr. Huang off guard. Elliot was not one to show his feelings. He usually bottled them up until it resulted in an explosion of scathing words or rage and pummeled lockers and walls. Or perverted perps beat to a pulp. This pain was so strong George could feel it.

"She…she, uh…Olivia…" Elliot's looked away as his voice trailed off. Shaking his head as if to dislodge the thoughts, he brought his hands to scrub over his face then released a heavy sigh. "She…has…cancer. Olivia has cancer," he whispered.

Cancer? Huang was shocked but he determined not to show it because he did not want to further upset Elliot. "I didn't know, Elliot. I'm sorry to hear this. Do you know what kind?"

Sarcastic laughter filled the small office. Elliot now stood and began pacing. "No. I don't _know_ what kind. I don't know _when_ she found out. I don't know _what_ kind of treatment. I don't know how she's doing. I don't know anything except...I think…I think she's…she's dying! D-dying…oh, God!" He fell back down into the chair, burying his face in his hands.

Huang took a minute to gather his thoughts and let Elliot calm down. Speaking softly, he told the Elliot, "Cancer is not necessarily the death sentence it was in the past. Many can be cured completely if caught early."

No…no it's bad. It's bad. I know it is." Elliot shook his head as he made the declaration.

"Why do you say that if you don't know anything about it?"

Elliot explained about the last conversation he had with Olivia - if you could call a shouting match a conversation.

Huang saw the desperation in Elliot's eye, heard the fear in his voice, and he tried to assure him, "I doubt Olivia meant it like you took it, Elliot."

"How else _can_ I take it? Elliot's eyes closed as he massaged his forehead with his index finger and thumb. "And she didn't even tell me she was leaving." He scoffed. "Again."

"She was upset, I'm sure. And perhaps she wanted it to sound the way you took it. But, you know Olivia…Elliot you both always have each other's best interests at heart. If anything, she was trying to spare you from knowing what she was facing."

Best interests at heart, he thought? Only when they are not busy shredding each other to pieces emotionally and mentally!

"That doesn't even make any sense! She had to know I would find out sooner or later," he objected.

"Yes, but sometimes when a person is facing something such as this, rational thinking tends to take a hiatus."

"If she…if she cared…" Elliot threw his head back and ran his hands over his face as the words trailed off.

"In her own way she was trying to shield you, Elliot. Because she _does_ care."

Maybe too much, thought Huang, as he thought back to after the Gitano case and remembered Elliot saying 'I wish I didn't …' and he finished for him 'Didn't what? Didn't care so much? Elliot, that's what makes you a good partner.' Elliot countered with, 'She made me turn away.' Olivia was turning away this time though for a different reason. Huang actually believed she thought by not telling him she was somehow protecting him, taking care of him just as Elliot had done for her when he turned away from Ryan Clifford went to her side instead.

It was almost five o'clock when Huang and Elliot finished their discussion. Cragen had still not returned from 1PP. Munch was off until after Christmas and Fin and Monique agreed to catch so Elliot decided to leave.

While he was waiting for the elevator, Monique appeared at this side. "Hey. Don't know what exactly is going on, but I know you're upset and I just want you to know that if you need me, I'm here."

Elliot looked at her then smiled. "Thanks." He stepped into the elevator.

"You'll find her, Elliot." The elevator doors closed on her smiling face.

Yes. He _would_ find Olivia.

Where to start looking for her, he wondered? Sitting in his car he replayed Kathy telling him about Olivia and Casey. _'El, Dr. Allen is an oncologist.' _He did not know who Dr. Allen was but his office was in the same building as their dermatologist.

**Office of Dr. Samuel Allen, Oncology Specialist - Monday, December 22, 5:14 p.m.**

Elliot entered the waiting room of Dr. Allen's office. It was empty. The woman at the reception desk stood and opened the window as he came toward her.

"I'm sorry, but we are closed," she said with a smile.

Elliot smiled and told her, "I need to talk to Dr. Allen. It won't take long."

"Did you have an appointment that you missed?"

"Don't need an appointment." Pulling his badge from his pocket he held it up.

"Oh…well…uh…give me just a minute, Officer…"

"_Detective_ Stabler." Elliot smiled again.

His stomach did flip flops as he waited. At the reception counter was a rack of brochures and booklets and each one seem to shout at him - _'Olivia has cancer – Olivia has cancer.'_ There at the top was a brochure on 'Understanding Brain Tumors'; beside it 'Skin Cancer Prevention'. Below it was 'Living with Cancer', 'What to Expect for Your Breast Biopsy' and another 'Making Peace with the Terminal Diagnosis'. He had no idea what kind Olivia had. Or her prognosis. Rubbing his hand over his mouth, he took deep breaths and willed himself not to throw up.

Looking around the room, he tried to picture Olivia sitting here, her beautiful chestnut hair gone, a colorful scarf in its place. He could not picture her bald. Anger flared again over her not telling him. _He_ should have known. _He_ should have been the one sitting here with her, not Casey. And _he_ should be the one taking care of her now.

The door beside the reception area opened and a man walked out. "Dr. Samuel Allen. How can I help you, Detective Stabler?"

Elliot shook his extended hand and gave him a quick once over. "I need to know something about one of your patients. Olivia Benson."

"Are you related?"

"No, but I am her next of kin."

"Has something happened to Olivia?" Dr. Allen was immediately concerned.

"No…no. I just need to know about her…how she's doing…where she's staying," Elliot looked at the doctor with silent pleading.

"I'm sorry but I can't give you information about…"

"_I'm_ her next of kin! Can you at least tell me where she is staying?"

Turning to the woman at the desk, Dr. Allen told her, "Amy, pull 's records, please."

A minute later she handed the doctor the file. He flipped through it and found that Elliot Stabler was indeed Olivia Benson's next of kin. He looked up at Elliot. "Even though you are her next of kin, it does not give me the right to give you confidential medical information about her."

Elliot sighed. "Look, you don't have to tell me anything about her condition. J-just tell me where she is staying. Please."

"I'm sorry, Detective. I can't. Not without a warrant." Dr. Allen handed the file back to Amy then disappeared through the door.

Amy watched Elliot stand there staring at the closed door. He looked so sad, so lost. She flipped the file open and wrote something on a hot pink post-it note.

"Detective…"

The soft voice broke his trance and Elliot turned to see Amy stick the note on the outside of the reception counter.

He walked over and picked it up. It was an address. He knew it! He was at once ecstatic and furious.

"You didn't get it from me," Amy said seriously but then smiled as she closed the window.

Elliot nodded, smiled and left.

**Cabot Residence - Monday, December 22, 6:04 p.m.**

"I've never seen her like this," Alex whispered, as she held the wastebasket for Olivia.

"Me either. Should we call Dr. Allen?" Casey asked. Concern was written all over her face.

To their surprise, Olivia shook her head, "No…" Her voice was shaky and she vomited again before saying what she wanted. "Mel…call Mel."

Alex looked up and nodded her head.

A few minutes later, Casey returned to the bedroom. Olivia was still retching. She had been vomiting off and on for hours but this latest round had lasted just over an hour and she was exhausted. In between rounds, her two friends tried to make her drink Gatorade and eat jello to keep her from becoming dehydrated. They got very little Gatorade and no jello in her. She refused it all and only drank a little to get the foul taste out of her mouth.

"Melinda will be here in about twenty minutes," Casey told them.

"Good. Can you help me shift Liv to the chair? I need to change the sheets," Alex tipped her head toward the stains on Olivia's pillow and sheet.

"Okay," Casey said as she put a hand under one of Olivia's arms and Alex did the same for the other.

Alex held the wastebasket with her other hand and when they had her seated, she was even more shocked at how Olivia looked. She was deathly pale and so thin. Had it really only been twelve days since the surgery?

Olivia leaned back against the chair and moaned. She then began to mumble, "…need…El…want…to t-tell…I…liot…"

"What's she saying?" Alex asked.

Casey leaned over and whispered in Alex's ear, "She's saying something about Elliot."

Looking over at Olivia, Alex's lips tightened. "She should never have kept this from him."

Suddenly Olivia leaned forward, reaching for the basket and began retching again.

Casey's gaze met Alex's and knew Alex was just as afraid as she was. She took Alex's place holding the basket for Olivia. Alex stripped the bed and in just a few minutes had clean sheets on it. Olivia was still dry heaving, but it seemed like it was easing off a little bit. She was still sitting on the chair, hunched over and semi-holding onto the wastebasket with Casey.

The doorbell rang.

"Melinda," Alex and Casey said in unison as they looked at each other with relief.

Alex jumped up and went to open the door. "Melin…" The name died on her lips at the sight of the person standing before her.

If she thought she felt fear for Olivia a few minutes ago, the fear she felt for herself right now was multiplied ten times over.

Feet wide apart, hands fisted at his side, jaw jumping, eyes narrowed, he was the embodiment of fury. She had only seen him like this a handful of times and only once had it been directed at her. The day he thought she had gone to 1PP and gotten Cragen in trouble for something he did not do.

Her frightened gaze met his icy one and she felt the chill run through her entire body. Before this was all over there would be hell to pay and she would be but one paying it.

"Where is she?"

His voice was so deep and so dangerous sounding, she knew better than to deny him but she had to for Olivia's sake.

"You need to leave." Alex tried to keep her voice firm, but it shook and she knew he heard it. She tried to close the door but wasn't quick enough.

His foot kept the door from closing and it took very little effort for him to push it back open. She was no match for his strength.

"I'm not going anywhere." He brushed Alex aside and walked right into her living room.

"Elliot! You can't do this! I'll call the police!" she threatened.

"I _am_ the police but you go right ahead and call 'em if you want! I'm not leaving until I see Olivia!" he growled as he looked around the condo.

"If she wanted you to know she would have told you! You have no right to pry!"

"Pry? She is my partner! My best friend! My…my…" His chest heaved with ragged breathing as he spat the words. He had almost said 'my life, my love'. Maybe if he had said that Alex would just let him in. "If I have to pry to find out how she is, _where_ she is, then that's what I'll do!"

"Alex, Melinda!" Casey cried out as she ran from the bedroom wiping her hands on a towel and exclaiming, "We need help! There's _blood_ in the vomit now!"

Her eyes go wide and her mouth falls open at the sight of Elliot Stabler standing in Alex's living room, as both Alex and Elliot run toward her to go to Olivia.

She was still sitting on the chair, eyes closed, leaning back clutching the wastebasket in her arms. Elliot's heart leapt to his throat as his gaze took in and his brain registered that this pale, thin, bald woman was Olivia. He was sure he would need the basket himself.

Alex tilted the basket to look in. She tipped it toward Elliot. "It's not much, but it hasn't been there before."

"Get me a wet washcloth," Elliot said to no one in particular.

Sitting on the nightstand beside Olivia, he took the cloth Alex brought him and gently began to wipe her face. She moaned and stretched her neck. He dragged the cloth further down, softly wiping her neck and the upper part of her chest exposed by the orange scoop neck tee shirt she wore.

"That feel good?" he whispered to her.

"Mmmm…"

As he moved back up her face, her eyes opened. Their gaze locked. Her eyes were huge in her thin face and Elliot could not help the tears that began to form. Rapidly blinking, he swallowed the lump in his throat and chewed his bottom lip.

Olivia reached up toward his face but in her weakened state her hand started to fall. Her eyes closed. Elliot caught her hand, kissed it and pressed it to his face. He thought he would die from the feel of her touch on his cheek.

Alex and Casey wiped tears from their eyes and tried not to stare at what seemed like an incredibly private moment.

"You got popsicles?" he turned to ask Alex.

She returned with a banana Popsicle and some lime jello. Elliot took the spoon and mashed the Popsicle up. "Liv, I've got some banana Popsicle here. I want you to eat it, okay?"

He held the spoon to her mouth and her lips parted slightly. Elliot spooned the cold treat into her mouth and scooped up another one. He waited patiently until she had swallowed the first bite then gave her another. She took the next bite and the next until the Popsicle was nearly gone.

Alex and Casey traded stunned looks. In seconds, Elliot had accomplished what they had tried to do all afternoon.

The doorbell rang again. This time it was Melinda. She was shocked to see Elliot and gave questioning looks to Alex and Casey. Casey raised her eyebrows and Alex shrugged. Melinda nodded and went to check on Olivia.

"The blood is minute considering how long you say she has been vomiting. It's most likely from a tear in the small vessels of the throat or esophagus. It happens when there is forceful vomiting or it continues for a long time," Melinda explained as she examined the contents of the wastebasket.

"She'll be okay, then?" Elliot asked, his eyes never leaving Olivia.

"It's not serious. She does need to keep hydrated and try to keep something on her stomach." Melinda held up a syringe. "This will keep most of the nausea at bay."

"What is it?" Elliot asked as he took hold of Melinda's hand to keep her from giving the shot.

"Phenergan." Melinda was not surprised at how protective Elliot was over Olivia, but a little annoyed that he did not trust her as a doctor.

He nodded. "Kathy took that with the twins." He released Melinda's hand and leaned toward Olivia.

She seemed to be asleep, but he still quietly told her what was about to happen. "Liv, Melinda is going to give you a shot of Phenergan. It will help cut down on the nausea. Okay?"

Olivia barely nodded, but it was apparent she understood because she reached for Elliot's hand. He held it as the shot was administered but she didn't let go.

"Can we get her back into the bed?" Alex asked.

"Yes. She'll be much more comfortable lying down," Melinda told them.

"I've got her," Elliot stood but Olivia still had a grip on his hand. "Liv, I need you to let go so I can pick you up and put you in the bed. Can you do that for me?"

Eyes still closed, she shook her head.

"It will just be for a minute, okay?" Elliot's voice was soft as he tried to persuade her. He reached for their entwined hands with his free one and she grasped it as well.

Shaking her head again, she said something barely audible. "Don't leave."

The tears pooled instantly once again and one slid down his cheek before he could stop it. He bent his head to wipe it on his upper arm. "I'm not going anywhere, Olivia."

Her grip gradually loosened and he bent to pick her up. She was so light it broke his heart. Laying her in the bed, he gently pulled the covers over her then sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her. He didn't care if she had hair down to her feet or was bald. She was alive and that was _all_ that mattered. Alive and beautiful - hair or no hair. He caressed her bald head, and kissed her cheek. He pulled the chair to the bedside and sat down. She fumbled around for his hand and he reached for hers. At his touch, she immediately settled; her breathing calmed and she was asleep in seconds.

The three women watching quietly from the foot of the bed slowly backed toward doorway somewhat embarrassed by what just transpired yet very touched by the deep bond they saw between these two. There was no doubt how they felt about one another. None.

The last words they heard as they left the room were in Elliot's deep voice, reiterating his earlier declaration as he leaned to kiss her again this time on the head.

"Liv…I'm not going anywhere."

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo~ ~ ~

Don't forget to remember to review! " ) Bensler


	9. Chapter 8 Piercing

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 8 ~ Piercing**

**Cabot Residence - Tuesday, December 23, 2:13 a.m.**

Olivia shifted restlessly. She felt exhausted but didn't understand why. She wanted to go back to sleep but she was so cold. She pulled on the blanket and realized it was much heavier than hers. Her eyes flew open and for a moment she had no idea where she was. Then she remembered. Alex's guest room. Shivers ran through her body and she once again attempted to pull the covers around her but one side refused to give.

In the dim light of the moon, she saw Elliot bent over her bed, his head turned toward her, resting on his crossed arms. The blanket was trapped by his weight. Olivia's drug enveloped mind was confused. She had thought last night was a dream. Or a demented hallucination of something that would and could never happen. Yet, here he was…her partner and best friend. Yes, even though they had been at odds lately, she still counted him as her best friend. He _had_ been here last night. He _had_ held her hand and wiped her face. He _had_ patiently fed her. He _had _been so gentle, so caring, so concerned.

She thought how he should have been angry, in a rage that she did not tell him about this, but she was sure he was nothing but relieved, attentive. As she looked at his face, peaceful in sleep, she forgot about the cold. Stretching her right hand out, she gently caressed his left cheek. The stubble from his beard was scratchy, masculine and Elliot. He seemed to keep a shadow nowadays. She liked it. Her hand rubbed over the short wiry strands of his hair and she wanted to lean down and bury her face against him.

Her hand drifted to his left arm and she could feel the tautness of his muscles even in this relaxed state. She lightly pulled at the coarse hair on his lower arm then slid her hand around his bicep. Such strength, she thought. Strength to protect, to fight, to comfort, to endure. Her hand traveled to his shoulder and she could picture how he stood so straight - his shoulders broad, the muscles of his torso pushing at the seams of nearly every shirt he wore. Such broad shoulders…broad enough to carry the weight of his life, of_ her_ life, of even the world it sometimes seemed.

From his shoulders, she returned to his face. Running her fingers lightly across his lips she was surprised at how soft they felt. And surprised that she was doing this…they rarely touched...and _never_ like this. It was an unspoken rule of sorts. One that neither acknowledged yet understood implicitly. To touch would be to unleash whatever intrinsic power bound them together. That would be a dangerous thing. Very. She swiped her thumb over his bottom lip again. Would they be this soft in a kiss?

That she felt the freedom to touch him like this frightened her. Her emotions were on a roller coaster. Was it exciting because it was dangerous, or dangerous because it was exciting, she wondered? If she were caught there was no doubt in her mind it would be even more so of both.

Suddenly, Elliot's hand covered hers and she tried to pull away, but he held tight.

"I'm s-sorry," she whispered, her eyes widened with foreboding of his reaction.

Elliot sat up and rolled his head to stretch as his thumb softly rubbed the top of her hand. "Sorry 'bout what?" he asked, his blue eyes twinkling in the night.

Caught. She was _so _caught touching him. Touching him in ways she had no right to do. Her heart was beating so hard she knew he must hear it. And she could not catch her breath. She didn't know what to say, so she shrugged.

Elliot knew she was embarrassed and he was feeling generous because he had found his missing partner and he was with her and she was sick and he was getting to take care of her, so he cut her some slack.

He simply smiled at her. "You okay?"

Nodding her head, she let her gaze lock with his. His eyes had a way of piercing clear to her very soul. No one else could do this to her. She thought it should be illegal for eyes to be so blue, so intense, so knowing. After long seconds, she spoke. "I…I thought you were a dream."

The deep chuckle escaped before he could stop it. "So, you always so…uh…interactive with your dreams?" he teased as he waggled his eyebrows and a smirk filled his features.

The quiet timbre of his voice caused a warm rumble in her stomach, his words a heated self-consciousness within her.

Even in the dim light he could saw the blush crawl up her neck to darken her face.

She pulled her hand from his then reached for the covers. It was then he noticed she was shaking and he was suddenly sorry for causing her any distress.

"Hey, hey…you cold?" he asked as he leaned toward her to help tuck the covers around her.

"Freezing," she said as she lay back on the pile of pillows.

Elliot went to the closet and found another blanket and threw it across the bed. "Feels like this one was made of down…should warm you up in a hurry," he told her as he sat down.

"Thanks." Snuggling into the covers, her eyes closed.

"Sure." Elliot thought she was going back to sleep and repositioned himself in the chair to do the same.

Several minutes later, he was just about to doze off when she said something.

"El, I'm sorry for not telling you."

She spoke so softly he halfway wondered if he was dreaming. His ears were on high alert but he did not respond.

"I just…I didn't want to worry you…I mean, that is, if…you…if you…" Her words ended with a low sigh.

The seconds of silence become minutes and he realized she was not going to say anything else.

"If I what?" he asked quietly.

Her eyes open and she looks over at him. "Nothing," she said dejectedly with a slight shake of her head. "Just forget it." She closed her eyes and scooted further down in the bed.

"Liv…if I what? Huh? Tell me. Please." He sits up and leans over, elbows on his knees, his hands folded under his chin.

Turning on her side away from him so he cannot see the tears forming, she answered, "If you…if you even still…still care."

He was up and sitting on the bed before she knew it. One hand was at the back of her head, and for just a second he was shocked at the smoothness of it. The other hand was on her shoulder trying to turn her to him but she resisted. "Olivia. Look at me," he demanded.

He saw her wipe tears from her face and he caught her chin between his thumb and fingers and made her look at him. He stared deep into the darkness of her brown eyes. "I'll _never_ stop caring about you, Liv. Never," he proclaimed insistently.

At this she burst into tears. "But it…it felt like you did…and I…I couldn't…take it," she sobbed.

Elliot's heart broke. "I'm sorry, baby…I…I…just…I'm sorry. You gotta know no matter how I act, I'll never stop caring about you, Olivia. And I mean _never_." He tried to soothe her. "Never, never," he repeated over and over.

She was nearly inconsolable. He lay on the bed behind her, spooned their bodies as much as possible and simply held her. He was outside of the covers but he pulled her as close to him as he could.

Finally, after long minutes of being held by Elliot, she quieted and only an occasional sniffle broke the silence of the dark. She began shaking again. "I'm so cold, El."

He was quite comfortable with no blanket and she had three layers of blankets on her. He wondered how she could be so cold.

"Think you could drink some hot tea?" he asked. "Probably need some hydration anyway."

"Mmmm…yeah. Maybe that will help me get warm."

He lightly kissed her right temple and rolled off the bed. "Be back soon with your order, Queen Olivia."

"Queen? Guess that makes you the Joker?" she teased.

"Nah…the Ace," he retorted before he disappeared from the room as her soft laughter echoed in his ears.

It took opening nearly every cabinet before he found tea bags and mugs, and several minutes to brew and prepare the tea. His mind was in overdrive. He couldn't believe she touched his face like she did. Maybe she really did think she was in a dream. Must be the medication. Replaying their conversation, he couldn't believe she told him it felt like he didn't care about her anymore. And he couldn't believe she cried like she did. This was not the Olivia he knew. That Olivia held her thoughts captive and emotions at bay and never let him see what she really felts. Not when it came to him. Them. Was there even a 'them' now?

A heavy sigh filled the air as he looked around Alex's kitchen and thought he shouldn't be here. Olivia shouldn't be here. They should both be in their own beds sleeping. Or, in his case, tossing and turning. Resting for a new day on the streets of New York City chasing suspects and perps. In a few hours they should be sitting at their desks waiting for a case or doing paperwork or listening to Cragen chew them out for some infraction whether real or perceived. He should be listening to her clicking her pen open and closed as she thinks about what to write in her reports. He should be watching her bite on her lower lip, deep in concentration over a case file. He should be anywhere but here with his partner just down the hall sicker than ever.

Olivia should not be lying in someone else's bed in someone else's home fighting cancer. He should not be here taking care of this woman who means so much to him. He should not have to see her fighting for her life when he could do absolutely nothing to fight for her. To really help her. He doesn't know what to do. All he really knew was he could _not_ lose her.

Cancer. The word sliced into him like a two-edged sword. Before this was all over, he may slowly bleed out. He pictured her before – healthy, strong; her dark hair silky and shiny; her face glowing with her natural olive tone, her infectious smile, her gorgeous brown eyes. Then he saw the transformation this insidious disease had made in such a short time. She was thin, weak; her hair was gone; her face was hollow, she had little to smile about, her eyes are sunken and huge in her thin face. Without warning, he was overwhelmed with nausea, and turned to dry heave into the sink. It was then he remembered he had not eaten since lunchtime yesterday.

The whistle of the kettle brought him out of his thoughts. He fixed a cup of tea for both of them, made sure to put just the right amount of sugar and cream in Olivia's before he went back to the bedroom.

Entering as quietly as possible to avoid waking Alex or Casey, he watched the mugs carefully to keep the hot liquid from sloshing out. As he neared the bed he saw it was empty and his eyes quickly scanned the room. On the other side of the bed he made out a glimpse of orange. Olivia's tee shirt. She was lying face down on the floor.

He nearly passed out as the adrenaline coursed through his body. What happened, he wondered? He set the sloshing mugs of tea on the nightstand then scrambled over the bed to her.

"Olivia!" he shouted, his voice dripped with the fear that now pierced his heart. "Olivia!"

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo~ ~ ~

Bensler is Back! And it feels good! Hi, everyone! Hope you guys can understand my need to check out so long. Hope someone out there still cares about my stories. It's just taken some time to get my head together...and trust me, it's still not good.

Losing Mom was the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced. And without so many of you who sent cards, flowers, and/or contacted me through reviews and emails just to let me know I was thought about, cared about and prayed for, I have to say I don't know what I would have done without your encouragement, support and empathy. It helped me more than you will ever know...more than I could ever express to know I was not alone in my grief. I intend to thank each of you individually, but for now just please accept a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart and a great big cyber hug - {{{{SVU readers and friends}}}}. I 3 all of you guys! " ) Bensler


	10. Chapter 9  Pain

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 9 ~ Pain**

**Cabot Residence - Tuesday, December 23, 2:52 a.m.**

"Olivia!" Elliot yelled her name over and over. There was no response. His heart battered against his chest so hard it caused actual physical pain. Struggling to ignore it, he gently turned her over and checked to see if she was breathing. She was. Thank _God - _she was.

"Liv…can you hear me?" he asked repeatedly while looking her over for any injury.

The door flew open and Casey turned on the light. She was wearing an old softball jersey and blue striped flannel pajama pants. "What happened?" Squinting as her eyes adjust to the light, she started toward them.

Alex appeared in the doorway in dark blue, silk pajamas, her cordless phone in hand. "Is she okay? Do I need to call for a bus?" She kneeled next to Elliot and opposite of Casey.

"No…I-I don't know…no, no. She's breathing. I'll take her to the ER," Elliot said. His panic made his voice shaky. "It'll be quicker."

"You didn't move her, did you?" Alex asked.

"Yeah…she was face down. Had to see if she was breathing…" Elliot trailed off as Alex continued.

"You check to see if anything was broken? Why was she out of bed? Where were _you_? Think she hit her head?" Alex popped off questions and the accusatory tone angered Elliot.

"This isn't the courtroom, counselor!" he snapped testily.

Casey put a hand on his arm. "Elliot," she spoke softly then turned her gaze to Alex. "Let's take a breath here. We need to figure out what happened and how best to help Olivia."

Alex nodded and turned to Elliot. "Sorry…I'm just worried about her."

"I know…me, too." Elliot tried to smile at her.

"El, do you know what happened?" Casey asked.

"No. She woke up a bit ago and was really cold. I got another blanket but she couldn't quit shivering. So I went to make some hot tea and when I came back she was…she was…on the floor. I was only gone ten to fifteen minutes. I shouldn't have left her…I shoul"

Olivia moaned and turned head slightly from side to side. "El…El…"

The sound was so weak they all instantly stilled.

Three sets of eyes zeroed in on her.

Elliot took her hand and rubbed his free one across her forehead. "I'm right here, Liv. You okay?"

Her eyes fluttered open for just a few seconds before she rolled to her side and began dry heaving. There was nothing to throw up.

Alex noticed a reddening bump on the left side of Olivia's forehead. "She hit her head. She needs to be checked out."

"Stay with her," Elliot said as he went for his coat and shoes. When he had them on he fished his keys from his pocket, infinitely glad he drove that day.

"Give me the keys. I'll go warm up the car. Where are you parked?" Casey reached for them.

He didn't argue because he did not want to leave Olivia. Not for a second. "Right across the street." He handed her the keys and went back to Olivia.

Alex handed him the damp washcloth she had gotten, stood up and told him, "I'm going to get dressed."

He simply nodded, his eyes never leaving Olivia who was now breathing quite hard, her breaths uneven. She was shaking again. Elliot tossed the cloth aside and gently picked her up and put her back on the bed, wrapped her in the blankets then shifted her so he could sit and hold her with her back to him. His mouth was at her ear and he whispered words of encouragement to her as he wiped tears from his eyes.

**Mercy General Hospital - Tuesday, December 23, 5:08 a.m.**

It had been nearly two hours since the ER personnel took Olivia back. Holding their own against the irate, intimidating Elliot, they refused to let him or either of the women go with them.

Casey leaned toward Elliot. "She's fine. I'm sure they'll let us know something soon."

Elliot just stared at her

Alex appeared with cups of coffee for the three of them. "Heard anything?" she asked.

"Not yet," Casey answered.

Elliot stood. "Yeah and it's time we did." He went to the information desk. "I need to know about Olivia Benson."

"Sir, the doctor told you he would…"

"We've been waiting for two hours! You gotta know something by now!" His hands gripped the side of the desk as he leaned across it to get as close as he could to the woman.

"Elliot Stabler?" a man at the swinging doors calls out."

"That's me."

"Ms. Benson is asking for you." He smiled. "I'm Dr. Walker."

"_Detective _Benson. How is she?"

"She was severely dehydrated but now that she has some fluids in her, she's perked up. She does have a slight concussion, but it's nothing to worry about. However, I am going to keep her until later this afternoon, just to be safe."

"Dehydrated? We've been making her drink water and Gatorade and eat popsicles…"

"Yes, but the drugs dehydrate her, too and I'm sure she is not eating properly and she simply _must _drink all the fluids she can."

Alex and Casey flanked Elliot. "Can we see her?" Alex asked.

"Yes. Follow me."

Elliot hung back to let Casey and Alex talk with Olivia. He listened to their concerned questions and her insistence that she was fine. He heard her explain that she needed to use the bathroom and that was why she had gotten out of bed. She kept looking over at Elliot and he smiled at her. Seeing her in a hospital bed, the frailness about her was even more pronounced. He could not take seeing her like this – sick, and now hurt. Plus he felt so guilty for this happening to her he didn't even feel like he deserved to be in the same room with her. He should never have left her alone in the bedroom. He should have asked if she needed help or wanted to get out of bed. His gaze dropped to the floor as she continued to look at him.

"Well, we should let you get some rest, right Alex?" Casey gave her a brief hug and went to stand by Elliot.

"Right. Do what the doctors say, Olivia, okay?" Alex patted Olivia's arm and then stepped away.

"Okay."

Casey watched Elliot closely. "Why are you back here?"

He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders and Casey thought his eyes were watery and wondered what was going on.

"She asked for you, Elliot."

"Yeah? And I'm the reason she's in here…"

"Elliot, you can't blame yourself for this…"

"Why not?" his voice was raised and Olivia and Alex looked over at him. "If I hadn't left her alone, this wouldn't have happened."

"El?" The concern on Olivia's face and in her voice was more than he could take.

"I can't do this," he mumbled as he turned to leave the room.

"Elliot!" Casey looked at Olivia and Alex then went after him.

Olivia looked at Alex questioningly. "He blames himself for your fall."

Her face scrunched in disbelief, she asked, "Why? How could he do that? He wasn't even there."

"That's why. He said he should not have left you alone," Alex told her.

Huge, brown eyes stared at Alex. As the tears welled up, Olivia wiped them away, then dropped her head into her hands and started to cry.

"Oh, honey. It's okay. He'll be back. Shhh…shhh," Alex put her arms around her and held her.

Elliot tried breathing slowly to help maintain his composure long enough to get downstairs and to his car. He couldn't do this. He thought he could, but he was wrong. He simply could not stand by and watch Olivia waste away. He could not watch her be consumed by this disease. He could not watch her die right before his eyes when there was nothing, absolutely nothing he could do to stop it. He was being selfish, he knew. Thinking only of his own pain, his own suffering, his own loss.

And his guilt over these feelings was devouring him - mind, heart and soul. He could not fathom losing her and he was terrified that was exactly where this was headed. Already, the Olivia he knew was hidden by this new Olivia - this sick person with no hair who could not eat or drink anything without it making a second appearance; this Olivia who needed help moving and doing the most basic tasks; this Olivia who didn't smile or laugh or tell bawdy jokes was not his Liv. This Olivia was but a shadow of the woman he loved. He had to get some air. Breathe. Clear his head. Then maybe, maybe he could do what he needed to do.

Casey caught up with him just as he stepped into the elevator. She grabbed his arm and yanked him out. That he let her do this spoke volumes about his emotional state, but the only person she cared about right now was Olivia.

"You are _not_ doing this to Liv!" she hissed.

"Casey, I…" his voice cracked and he shook his head.

He looked like he was ready to toss his cookies, but Casey was not about to waste time on him right now. "This is not about you, Stabler. It's about _Olivia_ and her illness. She needs _you_!"

Elliot rubbed his forehead with his fingers and prayed he would not totally break down in front of Casey, but he felt the tears pushing for release. He bit at his lip hoping the pain would help him focus on the conversation instead of the burning behind his lids.

"I..I know…I just…I don't think… I'm not that strong, Case…"

Jerking him closer, her eyes narrowed in anger. "Yes! You _are_!" she spat.

"No…not with…not when…" He ran his hands over his head. "Olivia…she…she's always been my weakness…and I can't…she's sick, Casey. She's got cancer. Cancer! Oh, God, Olivia!" The tears streamed down his cheeks and as he slumped against the wall, his hands covered his face, no longer caring who saw him.

Casey looked around and noticed a small waiting room. It was empty and she guided Elliot into it and to a worn couch. She sat next to him, one arm around his shoulder, the other patting his knee as he let go of all the pent up emotions he had been feeling since Olivia had left the SVU and subsequently why.

"You _are _strong, Elliot. You _can_ do this because Olivia needs you to be strong for her right now. She's a fighter but she's getting wiped out by this disease and the chemo. We can't let this thing whip her, El. She needs all of us to support her; push her; fight with her…_all_ of us, Elliot. _Especially_ you."

"If I hadn't left her alone…" he started but the words were choked by another sob.

"If you hadn't left her alone, something would have happened tomorrow or the next day. Or maybe not at all. Elliot, we don't know what might or might not have happened, but I do know this is not your fault. And I'm not going to sit by and let you use your guilt as an excuse to abandon her. If you need to fall apart, fine. You do it later. Because right now she needs you!"

Looking up at Casey through red rimmed eyes, he sniffled, "I'm not…I would never aba-abandon, Liv. Never."

Casey stared at him for a long minute, stood and held out her hand. "Then pull yourself together and get your butt back in there."

He took her hand and stood. She stepped aside and he nodded at her, wiped his face one more time and headed to Olivia's room.

Olivia sensed him before she saw him. When she opened her eyes she looked straight into his and almost started crying again because he looked so forlorn. Casey was behind him carefully watching.

Elliot took a few more steps. He didn't know what to say, so he just stood there.

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand and slowly inched her way to the door. Casey nodded at her and they left, leaving Elliot and Olivia alone to figure things out between them.

Elliot continued to stand there in silence. His tongue slid over his bottom lip followed by his teeth as he began to chew on it.

Olivia wiped a stray tear from her face and memorized everything about him. His stance, his lack of confidence which was very unusual, the way his hands fisted as his sides, his eyes. She was sure he had been crying and she hated that this illness – that she - upset him so much.

"I'm sorry, El," she whispered. "I'm so sorry,"

All at once he was at her bedside, sitting and pulling her to him. "No..no. You have nothing to be sorry about, Liv. It's me. It's me. I should be apologizing to you." His hands framed her face and he made her look at him. Her eyes overflowing with tears crushed him. "I've been selfish. Selfish Olivia, because I can't stand the thought of you going through this; I can't take seeing you in pain and not being able to stop it. I'm supposed to protect you, Liv. And I can't. And just the possibility…I'd never make it if…the thought of …of…" He could not say it. He shook his head and closed his eyes as he pulled her closer and her head rested on his chest.

The thundering of his heart broke hers. Suddenly she understood. It wasn't just about him leaving her alone in the room. It wasn't just guilt over thinking he could have prevented the fall. It wasn't that he couldn't protect her.

"You're afraid I'm going to die," she spoke softly against his chest.

The only answer was his warm salty tears she felt falling onto her neck and the sound of him sniffling, trying to preserve his self-control.

"Oh, El. I'm not going to die. It's going to be a rough few months, but I'm _not_ going to die, Elliot. I promise."

With that declaration, he gave into the feelings he had tried to hide. Her hands held his head to her breast and whispered words of comfort to him.

As his tears fell, he grasped at the warmth of her embrace thinking if only he could get close enough to her nothing would be ever able to come between them. Not even cancer.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~

All right now, hit that little button over yonder and let me know what you think... " ) Bensler


	11. Chapter 10  Pretend

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 10 – Pretend**

**Cabot Residence - Tuesday, December 23, 4:35 p.m.**

Alex was tying up some loose ends at the office before being off until after Christmas, so she gave Elliot the key to her house. Olivia had been released from the hospital with instructions to eat as much as she could and to at least force herself to drink. Stopping at the grocery store, Elliot picked up every flavor of Gatorade and several packages of frozen fruit based popsicles recommended by the doctor. He had helped Olivia get settled in bed and was now in the kitchen fixing her a plain turkey sandwich on wheat bread with mustard.

Olivia could hear him open and closing cabinets and humming 'Joy to the World' - the last Christmas song they heard on the radio on the way from the hospital. She smiled and tried to memorize the sound because she didn't think she had ever heard him hum in all the years she had known him.

"Hey, El? Where's that sandwich?" she hollered.

"Just hold on a sec!" he hollered back.

"At this rate, I'll starve to death!"

"Come make it yourself if you think you can do it quicker," he challenged.

"You know when the doc said I needed to eat…I'm pretty sure he meant today," she teased.

"_You_ are in no position to complain, Benson," Elliot grinned as he entered the bedroom with her meal on a tray along with two carnations in a vase. One red, one white.

Mouth agape, eyes widened in surprise, Olivia stared at the flowers and then Elliot.

"Well, Queen Olivia…are you gonna apologize for complaining?"

Olivia was speechless. Tears welled up and she blinked several times to hold them back.

As he brought the tray to her, she slowly moved to sit up better. She smiled at him as he set the tray across her lap then adjusted one of her pillows.

"That better?"

"Yes, thanks." She looked at him and then at the flowers again. "And thank you for the sandwich and the beautiful flowers."

"You are more than welcome." Elliot's voice had become serious.

He seated himself in the chair next to the bed and watched her take a small bite of the sandwich. "You should have told me, Liv. You should have known I'd be here for you. I'll do anything and everything I can to help you."

Nodding, she glanced at him then back to her food. "I know. I just…I've never…I mean I've always taken care of myself…never really needed…well, I didn't want to believe I ever needed anyone. I didn't want to bother anyone…especially not you."

"Everyone needs someone and I'm so sorry I made it where you didn't want me to know…or help you," Elliot sighed deeply.

"I was trying to protect you, too, because deep down I knew you would be upset."

He leaned forward in the chair, the blue of his eyes shining with the beginning of tears. "Olivia, let me be here now. Let me take care of you, protect you, as best I can." She would not look at him so he stood and cupped her face with his right hand to turn her toward him. "Please?"

It was all she could do to nod. Her eyes fell closed and a stray tear escaped and trickled down her left cheek. Elliot wiped it away with his thumb as she placed her hand over his. He bent down and kissed her forehead but when he went to move away, she pulled him to her and kissed him softly, timidly on the lips. She pulled away for just a second, her brown eyes filled with question as she looked into his blue eyes. She must have found the answer she was looking for because she kissed him again. It was sweet and gentle but this time much more confident.

Elliot was filled with such emotion he nearly began weeping right there. So many times he had dreamed about kissing her but he was always the one to initiate it. That she was to one to first kiss him meant _something_. It meant a lot. For Olivia to make the first move, forever changing their relationship, he knew she cared about him much more than just a partner or friend. His heart nearly burst with this revelation.

For several seconds they stared at each other, their lips inches apart.

Olivia felt the change between them and intuitively knew Elliot felt it, too. A line had been crossed. _The_ line. The line they could never again get behind. Instantly, her heart filled with fear but she calmed its wild pounding by reminding herself that this illness, this cancer, was a wakeup call. Life was a fleeting vapor and if she ever wanted something other than the life she now had she was going to have to face her fears and fight for what she wanted. All she knew at this moment was she wanted Elliot Stabler to be the man in her life.

The silence between them was not uncomfortable and she sensed he was more than fine with the kiss and all its implications so she had no qualms in that respect about this change in what they were to one another.

Elliot finally spoke. "You need to eat." The words were a gruff whisper as he placed a quick kiss to her lips and stood up.

Picking up her sandwich, Olivia took a big bite and grinned up at him.

The sound of the front door being thrown open broke the spell of what had just transpired between them.

"Elliot!" Casey's voice rang out through the apartment. "Come help me with this tree, please!"

"Guess she found a Christmas tree," Olivia mumbled around another bite of sandwich.

"Yep. I'll go see what she's got. Holler if you need anything," Elliot smiled at her as he headed for the foyer.

Alex had gotten home around five thirty, bringing bags of hot wings, potato salad and Christmas cookies from the deli down the street. Elliot had helped Olivia into the living room so she could be a part of the festivities and watch as they set up the tree. Casey was missing Christmas with her family and had been insistent there be a real tree even though Alex usually put up an artificial one.

The Stablers always had a real tree and Elliot knew just what to do with it. It did topple over once and Olivia laughed until she cried at the sight of Elliot sprawled on the floor with the tree on top of him and Alex and Casey trying to pull it off of him through their uproarious laughter and teasing.

"Get this thing off me!" Elliot demanded, pushing branches away from his face.

"I think you look good in green, El," Olivia told him.

From his position on the floor, he strained his neck to look at her. "I look good in _anything_, Olivia." He winked and she smiled and shook her head. "Smart aleck."

"That's a lot of confidence for someone being held hostage by a Christmas tree," Casey observed.

"Hey, Elliot, I thought you said you were experienced in putting up trees," Alex teased.

"It's not my fault Casey didn't hold it straight when I tightened the screws," Elliot retorted.

"I did too hold it straight! You just don't know how to screw!" Almost as soon as the words were out of her mouth, the three women were in near hysterics over the double entendre.

Elliot felt the heat hit his face and knew he was blushing. If Olivia had not been there he would have been fine. He would have said something to put the other two women in place. As it were he worried one or both of them would turn any comeback he might have into a question and suggestion session about his and Olivia's relationship. And he didn't want anything to be said nor done that might possibly jeopardize its fragile beginnings.

"Liv, you think he looks better in red or green?" Alex sputtered between giggles, alluding to his obvious embarrassment.

Elliot had managed to free himself from the tree and had just sat up when Olivia came to him and reached out her hand to help him up. He took it and when he was standing, she reached up and put her hands around his reddened ears and pulled him into a long kiss. "I like him in green but I think he looks absolutely adorable in red."

Alex and Casey were now standing there with their mouths hanging open and their eyes about to pop out of their heads. Elliot wasn't much better. He could not believe she kissed him in front of the other women. The lump in his throat kept him from saying anything, so he just kept grinning and looking into her twinkling brown eyes.

Finally, Casey let her thoughts on this situation be known. "Wow," she whispered. "Just wow."

"So, is this official?" Alex asked.

"What?" Olivia asked still smiling at Elliot.

"You and Elliot…Elliot and you…together…a couple?"

"Let's just say we've bumped it up a level and we're gonna see where it takes us," she replied. "Right, El?"

"Right," Elliot managed to grunt. He was still in a state of shock from her open display of affection.

"Well, this certainly gives new meaning to 'Benson and Stabler'. Congratulations," Alex commented and they all laughed.

"Yeah, and it is way past time. You couldn't pretend forever," Casey added.

"Pretend?" Olivia raised an eyebrow and glanced at Elliot who had cocked one of his as well.

"Come on, Liv. Even though everyone else could see it, you guys tried your best to pretend there was nothing between you yet the only ones you convinced was yourselves. And apparently you didn't do a very good job of that either." Casey rolled her eyes at the two detectives.

"What do you mean?" Elliot finally found words.

"What she means is we all knew it was a matter of time. End of discussion. Now, let's give the tree another try and get this show on the road," Alex told him and pointed to the tree.

This time Casey and Olivia held the tree while Elliot secured it in the stand and this time it was perfectly straight and ready for decorations. They strung cranberries, munched on the food, untangled piles of Christmas lights and unwrapped ornaments. Olivia found she was able to join in and help because either she was feeling better after eating that sandwich and two popsicles or being with her friends – and Elliot – and laughing and teasing and just having fun was enough to make her forget how bad she felt.

When the tree was filled with ornaments, garland, strings of cranberries and tinsel, the women sat down, Alex turned off the lights and Elliot plugged in the tree lights. It was filled with hundreds of tiny lights in nearly every color imaginable and its beauty was reflected in the awe on the faces of each person in the room.

Elliot got up and went to sit by Olivia. She scooted over to make a little more room for him forcing Casey to move over, too. Not wanting to be too forward or presumptuous, he draped his arm around the back of the couch. To his pleasant surprise Olivia leaned into him, rested her head against his chest and right hand on his left leg just above his knee. He was sure she – and Casey and Alex – heard the frantic beating of his heart. He could not believe she was already being so open about them. Them. He liked the sound of that.

After several comments about how good the tree look and agreeing it was one of the best trees they had ever seen, Casey stretched and yawned. "Gosh, it's after ten. I'm gonna hit the sack. I'm really tired." She poked Alex and hoped she was inconspicuous about it.

Alex looked at Casey in confusion at first, but when Casey shifted her eyes toward Olivia and Elliot, Alex suddenly yawned, too. "Me, too. Been a long day and a lot to do tomorrow, too."

They said their goodnights and then Olivia and Elliot were alone.

He could not quit looking at the wonder and amazement on her face. She was as thrilled by the tree as his kids had ever been. Perhaps more so. He was simply amazed at her reaction. At her childlikeness. At her beauty.

He could not take his eyes off of her and she could not take her eyes off of the tree. "It's so beautiful, El," she whispered.

The lights reflecting on her face and eyes, gave her a soft look. It hid the stress and tension, and erased the wrinkles that had become more prominent over the last few years. "So are you," he whispered as he placed a kiss on the top of her head, careful of the silk scarf she had tied around it.

"Even without hair?"

"Olivia, I didn't fall in love with your hair. It doesn't make you who you are. Long, short, in between, bald – I've seen it all over the last twelve years – and no matter what…you, Olivia Benson, are beautiful to me."

"And you, Elliot Stabler, need glasses." She poked him in the chest with her index finger, trying to lighten things up a bit.

He grabbed her finger and kissed it before she pulled it away. He knew compliments made her very uncomfortable, but she was just going to have to get over it.

Snuggling closer to him, she wrapped her left arm around his waist and his left hand fell to her shoulder. "I never have a tree." Her admission was soft, quiet – as though it were a confession that needed absolution.

At that moment Elliot's stomach clenched. No tree? Why wouldn't she have a tree, he wondered? He loved Christmas and all that went with it. How could someone not have a tree? There must a good reason. Well, at least a reason she felt was valid. "Never?" he asked.

The answer came in the shake of her head.

His hand had found its way to her neck and he gently massaged it. He could feel the knots of tension and briefly thought about all she had been through the last couple of months. "Why?"

Shrugging, she said, "It's only me. I'm hardly ever home. Who's gonna see it?" She exhaled. "Besides, it's no fun to decorate alone."

This time it was Elliot's heart that clenched. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't get the words out because the lump in his throat was back.

Shifting, she placed her left hand against his right cheek. "El…thank you." She kissed him yet again.

"For what?" he asked in bewilderment.

"For being here. With me. For showing me what it's like to have someone care. I needed the reminder." Leaning her head on his shoulder, she relaxed. "Merry Christmas, Elliot."

He caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers and whispered "Merry Christmas, Olivia."

From the sound of her breathing, he knew she was already asleep. He grinned and thought to himself that this was a _very_ Merry Christmas because he was holding in his arms what he wanted for too long to remember. Olivia Benson.

~ ~ ~eoeoeoeoeo~ ~ ~

If you live where all the snow is falling you really need to read/re-read my story 'Conditions'.

P.S. Please R&R so I know you are still there and still care. " ) Bensler


	12. Chapter 11 Punch

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 11 – Punch**

**Cabot Residence – Christmas Eve 10 a.m.**

Elliot had cooked a big breakfast of pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon and sausage for Olivia, Casey and Alex. The women were cleaning up the kitchen and Olivia had insisted on helping. She was feeling better and hoped her body was getting used to the poisons she had to ingest to combat any residual cancer cells. But she was still so tired.

As she wiped the breakfast table, Elliot took a seat in one of the chairs and watched her. She looked up at him and smiled. He was dressed and had his jacket in his hand. "Going somewhere?" she asked.

"Yeah. Got some last minute things to do to get ready for the kids tonight," he told her.

"Oh." She frowned, her mind filling with guilt.

"I'll be back. I need to take their gifts to Kathy's and run a few errands. Then I'm a man on a mission to find that game Rick asked for and the CD Lizzie wants."

She continued to frown.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing…" she replied shaking her head as she continued wiping the table.

"Did you want to get out? Are you up to shopping?" It had not even crossed his mind that she might have something she needed or wanted to do as well. He should have asked her.

"No, I'm not really up to that yet." 

"Then what is it?"

"I told you…nothing."

"Liv," he countered knowing she was not being truthful.

Still leaning over the table, she looked at him and sighed, "It's just that I…I feel guilty for taking up so much of your time. You should have already finished your Christmas shopping and I'm sorry that…"

He laughed out loud. "Are you kidding me? Olivia, whether or not I had been here with you, I would still have to be out today taking care of things. I'm a procrastinator. You haven't figured that out after twelve years?"

A distant memory came to her mind and caused her to smile. "Well, yeah, I do remember the time you thought you were going to have to use crime scene tape for the twin's birthday decorations."

They both laughed and he took the dishcloth from her, laid it on the table then covered her hand with both of his. "See, I told you. And just for the record, there is nowhere else I'd rather be than right here with you. Okay?"

She held his gaze held for several long seconds. "Okay. You will be able to be around five, right?"

Standing up, he slipped into his jacket, put his cap on his head and pulled his gloves from one pocket and keys from the other. "Yes, I'll be here at five. What is it I need to be here for again?" He hoped to catch her off guard and make her slip up and tell him but he should have known better.

She shook her head. "Uh-uh. I just need you to be here then…it won't take long. I promise."

"Okay. I'll be back in a couple of hours - long before five." He leaned over and kissed her forehead then her lips.

As soon as he was out the door, Casey and Alex were beside Olivia. "Are you ready to go now?" Casey asked.

"Let me use the bathroom first," Olivia told her.

Olivia had asked if they would take her to her apartment so she could pick up a few items then downtown to take care of a couple other things.

**Benson Residence – Christmas Eve 11:00 a.m.**

It felt good to get out. To see and hear and feel the sights and sounds of Christmas – the decorations, the extra crowded streets of Manhattan, Christmas songs wafting through the air, and even the ringing of the Salvation Army bell.

Olivia had never been big on Christmas simply because her mother had never made a big deal about it. There were never grandparents or aunts and uncles and cousins to get together with for a big family meal and gift exchange. The fact was she had no tradition of any kind when it came to the holidays - unless you count volunteering to work so those with family could be off; eating take-out subs or Chinese; and going home to an apartment that looked the same at Christmas time as it did the other three hundred and sixty-four days a year.

She rifled through her drawers picking out clean tee shirts, jeans and sweats then through her closet to find a pair of pin-striped black dress slacks and a red v-neck sweater with silver stands woven through it. She grabbed some long, dangly silver earrings with rubies and jammed then in the duffle bag she had brought.

As she headed out, she grabbed one last item and stuffed it carefully between all the clothing to protect it.

"That it?" Alex asked.

"Yep."

"Sure didn't take long," Casey said.

"I already have most of what I need, and besides I hope to be able to come home after this first round of chemo," Olivia explained.

"_Most_ of what you need?" Casey repeated. "Sista, you got _everything_ you need now," she laughed and Alex chuckled.

Olivia was truly perplexed. "What are you talking about?"

Alex took her by the arm and led her toward the door. "Elliot Stabler. And to think that all these years I thought you were a _good_ detective."

Shaking her head at her two friends, Olivia rolled her eyes as a huge grin spread across her face.

**Stabler Residence – Christmas Eve 2:30 p.m.**

Elliot found the game for Rick – and paid a small fortune for it – and also the CD for Lizzie. He now stood on the front porch of his house, rather his _former_ house, and rang the doorbell. He heard footsteps and braced himself for seeing Kathy again. They had not seen or talked to each other since the day she told him Olivia had cancer and he knew she would be full of questions and he simply was not in the mood.

The door swung open and Kathy pushed open the storm door as he maneuvered past her with a bag of gift in one and a stack in the other.

"Here…let me have these," she took the stack from him and went to place them under the tree.

He knelt and began taking the gifts from the bag and pushing them under the tree. When he finished he sat back on his heels and stared at the tree. It sat in front of the same window as always. All the familiar lights and ornaments hung from the branches – familiar yet so different. Different because he had not had a hand in picking out or putting up this tree and decorating it with his kids.

"El?"

He looked up at Kathy, smiled and stood. "Tree looks good."

"Same as always," she told him.

" Yeah, but different, too."

Kathy knew exactly what he meant. Life went on - they did the same things they always did, yet everything was changed. Nothing was the same even if it looked like it from the outside. "It will take some time, Elliot, but we did the right thing."

"I know. Still…it…I…it just…I don't know," he said as he shook his head, his voice gruff with emotion.

"It still hurts," she finished.

"Yeah," he agreed and shrugged. It _did_ hurt. A twenty-something year marriage couldn't end without hurting, no matter how bad things had gotten.

"Did you find Olivia?" Kathy wanted to change the subject and Olivia was the first thing that popped into her head.

He knew it was a matter of time before this question was presented and he did not want to talk to Kathy about his partner.

"Yeah." He hoped she would let it go at this but knew it wasn't likely.

"Well…how is she?" Kathy's voice was quiet but he heard the concern. "Is it cancer?"

Elliot had no idea how to answer and be truthful without betraying Olivia's privacy. Something he would fiercely defend. Finally he said, "Yeah. She's got a tough road to travel but we're gonna make it."

Kathy didn't miss his use of 'we' but she chose not to directly mention it. "I know she will. As long as she has you to help her, she _has_ to get better." Her heart clenched just a bit, but she knew how much Elliot cared about his partner, and this was part of letting him go.

His eyes burned and he prayed he would not cry in front of his soon to ex-wife.

Working around the sudden tightness in his throat while furiously blinking the tears away, he told her, "Kath, thank you for saying that."

Kathy nodded then asked, "Will you still be coming here tonight? For the kids?"

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it. There's already too much change for everybody."

"What about Olivia?"

Elliot looked at her for a moment trying to figure out exactly what she meant. Surely she didn't think he would bring her here. Surely she wasn't asking that he bring Olivia, was she? He finally decided she really just wanted to know if Olivia would have someone to be with on Christmas Eve.

"She's staying at Alex's and Casey is here through the New Year. And Cragen said he was gonna drop by. She'll be fine."

"So, you aren't going to be with her on Christmas Eve?"

No way was he going to tell her he had been with Olivia 24/7 for nearly two days. Or that when he left here he would be going back to her both this afternoon and evening. There were some things she didn't need to know.

"Kathy…we shouldn't discuss this right now, okay." Or ever, Elliot thought as he reached out and squeezed her shoulder. "I'll see you tonight."

**Cabot Residence – Christmas Eve 5:00 p.m.**

Captain Cragen watched Olivia run her hands over the wrapped package he had just given her. She took the velvet bow between her fingers and smiled. "Captain, you didn't have to do this…"

"I _wanted_ to do this, Olivia. So go ahead and open it," he prodded.

Untying the red velvet bow, she then pulled the green foil paper away from the box. As she opened the lid, she gasped, "Don! This is beautiful. And so thoughtful."

In her hands was a 1910 printing of Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte.

"You like it?" he asked, pleased that she did seem to like what he had chosen especially for her.

"I love it! It came from England? It had to have cost you a small fortune…" she started.

"Now, now. I know Serena taught you better than to bring up cost when someone gives you a gift."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Captain…I just…" she shook her head as she smiled and opened the book.

"I had wanted to find an original printing but you want to talk fortune?" he laughed. "Try well into the six figure range."

"This one is just perfect." She glanced at the first few pages. "It has memoirs of both authors and an introduction by Mrs. Humphry Ward. How neat."

"I'm afraid I have no idea who Mrs. Humphry Ward is, or rather, was."

Olivia looked up at him and smiled. "Well, she was a very popular serious novelist in England in the late 1880s and 1890s. That she would put a foreword in a book would have been considered a great honor," she explained.

"That is neat." The captain moved to sit beside her. "Let me show you something." He flipped through the book, stopping at illustrations protected by sheets of tissue paper. "It even has illustrations. It was carefully rebound in blue calfskin on blue cloth boards with double ruled gilt lines on the spine edges and corners. They said it is 24k gold, but who knows? It has the original blue silk bookmark though."

"Don, I will treasure this not only because it is one of my favorite books but because it was given to me by one of the most important and favorite people in my life. Thank you." She gave him a tight hug.

"Oh, I almost forgot…" he said as he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled a smaller gift wrapped in the same paper as the book.

Olivia took it and found a DVD of the 1939 Wuthering Heights movie starring Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon.

"Have you seen this version?" Don asked.

"No, I haven't. I can't wait to watch it," she smiled and hugged him again. She was already thinking it would be a good movie to watch with Elliot. She wished he was in here with her instead of showering and getting ready for his evening with the kids. And Kathy. Worn out from her excursion, Olivia had been napping when he came back so she hadn't seen him since this morning.

Casey and Alex could be heard laughing in the kitchen. They were getting a finger foods and desserts together. "Hey, Captain. What can I get you to drink?" Casey hollered out.

"A coke will be fine," Cragen hollered back.

"Liv? What flavor Gatorade do you want?" she called out again.

Olivia chuckled softly and told Cragen, "I am so _sick_ of Gatorade." Then she answered Casey, "Can I just have some hot tea, please?"

Alex poked her head around the corner, "Do you promise to eat something substantial _and_ drink all of the tea?"

"Yes, mother," Olivia laughed.

Alex gave her the thumbs up sign and disappeared.

Turning to the captain, she inquired, "Did you do what I asked?"

Cragen smiled. "I did."

"And…" she asked breathlessly.

Twisting his watch to glance at it he told her, "Should be here any minute."

The sound of the bathroom door opening caused Olivia to look toward it just in time to see Elliot coming down the hallway. She drew in a sharp breath and hoped the captain did not hear it. She and Elliot had not discussed what they were going to tell him about them, if anything, right now. But when he stepped into the room she could not take her eyes off of him and she felt the heat crawling up her neck to her face and knew there would be no hiding it from their Captain.

Elliot looked so handsome in his neatly pressed khakis, dark green button up shirt and brown docksiders, she thought. In his hand was his brown leather jacket and he gave Olivia a big smile and winked, his blue eyes twinkling.

Don stood up and Elliot went to him and they shook hands and patted each other on the shoulder. "Merry Christmas, Cap'n."

"Merry Christmas, Elliot," Cragen responded.

To Olivia's utter amazement and Cragen's astonishment, Elliot tossed his jacket across the arm of the couch then reached down and took Olivia's hands, pulled her to him, embraced her then pulled away and kissed her quickly on the cheek. "Hey, babe. I missed you today. How you feeling?"

"Uh…I…uh…yeah…yeah, I'm g-good…I'm…" she stammered and stuttered, totally in shock over Elliot's actions in front of their captain.

Cragen looked questioningly at his detectives, already deciding how he would 'split' them up when Olivia returned to SVU. His thoughts were short lived as a knock sounded at the door.

Nervousness washed over her as Alex came out to answer the door. "You ready?" Alex asked.

Olivia nodded.

"Is this why you wanted me here?" Elliot whispered to her still wondering what was going on.

She nodded again and squeezed his hand tightly.

Alex opened the door to Munch and Fin who were their normal bantering selves. Laughing, being loud and boisterous until they saw Olivia. They both looked like they had just received a hard punch in the gut.

And silence filled the room.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	13. Chapter 12 Perfect

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 12 – Perfect**

**Cabot Residence – Christmas Eve 5:07 p.m.**

Olivia stared at her two colleagues while they took inventory of her condition and watched as the reality of it sank in. She had been so worried about letting them know, but now that Elliot knew and was here beside her, she could find the strength to deal with their reactions. Whatever they may be.

Munch peered over his glasses, his mouth open while the upside down v-shaped wrinkle in the middle of Fin's eyebrows deepened in a frown, his lips drawn in a thin tight line. No one had to tell them what was wrong with Olivia or why she had taken a leave of absence. The scarf over her head plus her thin, gaunt appearance said it all. The c-word. Cancer.

Everyone was staring at the two men and Olivia, apprehensive about how they would react to her illness and the fact that she had not let them know. Munch was the first to make a move as he made two steps and gently embraced her. He didn't say anything and it soon became apparent why – tears were streaming down his face.

He held her until she pulled away, thumbed his tears from his face, kissed him on the cheek and said, "I didn't want you guys to worry about me."

"It's okay – we understand," John told her, one arm still around her waist. He looked toward Fin who remained quiet just standing there.

Betrayal etched into his features, Fin grunted, "Speak for yourself, old man." He was angry. He and Olivia had gotten close the last couple of years and he couldn't believe she kept something like this from him.

Olivia's gaze locked with Fin's. She saw the hurt, the anger. And she didn't blame him. But she needed his support, his friendship desperately. She held out her hand toward him, but he only glanced at it then returned to lock his eyes with hers.

Tilting her head, Olivia wiggled her fingers for him to come to her and softly, pleadingly said his name, "Fin."

The dejected look on her face and the mournful sound of her voice did him in so when she took a step toward him, Fin took three to meet her and they wrapped their arms around each other tightly. She whispered in his ear, "I should have told you, Fin. Both of you."

Somehow he managed to speak around the lump in his throat. "Yeah, 'Livia, you shoulda."

"I'm sorry."

" 'S okay. I'll get over it." He kissed her cheek. "Already am." Then he took her by the shoulders and looked her over. "What's this?" He touched the silk of her scarf. "You tryin' for the street look, now?"

"Scared of a little competition, Fin?" Olivia told him as she hugged him again.

At this playful banter everyone broke into laughter and from there things lightened up and the group of friends began to enjoy their Christmas Eve together.

Forty-five minutes after Munch and Fin arrived, Elliot took Olivia aside. "You doing okay?"

"Yes. I haven't been this good in a long time, El," she was smiling and looking at the others talking and laughing.

He took her in his arms and held her to him, his hands stroked her back and she melted into him. "I'm glad the guys know," he told her.

"Me, too. It was only because you were beside me that I was able to face them. Thank you." She squeezed him, her arms around his waist.

Elliot kissed her forehead. "Wish I could stay here, but I've got to go."

"I know." She tightened her grip on him even more. "You are coming back, right?"

"Count on it, babe." He bent down and kissed her lips.

"Tonight?"

"Yes, tonight," he promised.

Olivia and Elliot held hands as he made the rounds and told everyone good night and Merry Christmas. He noticed Munch and Fin exchange curious glances and just had to comment.

"Yeah, yeah…we're out of the closet so quit gawking." Elliot pulled Olivia to him and gave her a long kiss right in front of everyone. The condo erupted with laughter, clapping, whooping and hollering.

When he released her, she was flushed with embarrassment but held onto him even as she swatted at him. "Elliot!"

"What?" he asked with a smirk.

"Now it's _my_ turn," she laughed and brought his head down to hers for another passionate kiss.

**Kathy Stabler Residence – Christmas Eve 6:25 p.m.**

The entire drive Elliot had done nothing but think about Olivia and their new found relationship. He thought about how much he loved her and how good it felt to finally be open about it. He thought about how it would affect them at work; would Cragen let them remain partners? Would they be able to do their job side by side when things had changed so much between them? Or would they have to sacrifice being together as partners to be together as lovers?

He sat in the driveway of his – no…Kathy's house – he had to get used to saying that – and looked at the lights hanging from the rooftop like they did every Christmas season. He wondered who put them up and supposed Dickie was old enough now to have done it. He had helped Elliot every year and Elliot now chuckled at the memories, like the time Dickie wrapped himself in a strand of lights and then plugged it in and walked around the yard amusing the neighbors watching.

There was a wreath on the front door as always but he realized it was new. Then he remembered the one they had before was covered in pictures of the Stabler family from each Christmas since the twins were born. He supposed he understood why Kathy would want a new wreath, but it hurt to see how he would be cut out of some of the family traditions. It hurt to know that things would slowly change, be replaced – _he_ would be replaced - and he would have no say so and no right to do anything about it.

The front door opened and brought him back to the present. "Hey, Dad! You coming in or you gonna sit out there and freeze?" Maureen hollered as she bounded down the steps toward the car.

He got out just in time to catch her in his arms.

"What are you doing out here, Daddy?"

He took her face in his hands and kissed her on both cheeks. "Nothing."

"Long time to be doing _nothing_," she countered. "You've been out here over ten minutes."

"So observant. Sure you don't want to be a detective?" he teased.

"Daaad!" She rolled her eyes and it made him think of Olivia.

Elliot smiled at his oldest child.

"Are you okay?" she asked, concerned over the sadness she saw in his eyes.

"I'm fine, baby." He hugged her closely then they started toward the house with their arms wrapped around each other's waist.

Just as they got to steps, Maureen stopped, took Elliot's arm and turned him to face her. "Daddy, things might be different and all, but there's one thing will never change"

Amazed that she seemed to be so in tune with his emotions, he looked intently at her and wondered when she became this beautiful, intelligent and insightful woman. "What's that?"

"You will _always_ be our Dad and we will _always_ love you – and nothing can change that - no matter what."

Tears glistened in her eyes and Elliot felt his own burning as a lump filled his throat. They embraced again and Elliot whispered, "I needed that reminder, Maur. Thank you."

"Merry Christmas, Daddy."

"Merry Christmas, honey."

**Cabot Residence – Christmas Eve 11:17 p.m.**

By the time everyone left, Olivia was worn out. Elliot had called twenty minutes ago and told her he'd be there in another twenty. She had hoped to stay awake to see him but even though she fought to keep her eyes open, it was a losing battle.

Elliot found her sound asleep on the couch. He smiled at the sight and wondered whether or not to rouse her in order to get her into the bed. Instead he sat on the coffee table and watched her sleep. After several minutes, he leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and lightly on the lips, then pulled the cover over her shoulders and stood up.

He didn't know where Alex kept her extra blankets and bed linens and he was exhausted, too, so he sat in the recliner, leaned it back and draped his heavy wool coat over his body, shut his eyes and joined Olivia in sleep.

**Cabot Residence – Christmas Morning 7:49 a.m.**

Olivia awoke, surprised to find she was in the living room. She lay there quietly and soon became aware of soft snoring to her left. She craned her neck to look and saw Elliot sleeping soundly in the recliner, his coat pulled up to his neck and his woolen knit cap still on his head. She wished she had a camera. As she watched him he began to move. First he scratched his nose then yawned and stretched. He settled back but then uncrossed his legs and stretched again. Olivia simply smiled, content to have him near, amused to watch him stir and awaken. She wondered what it would be like to see him like this every morning.

Just briefly, his eyes opened but then shot wide as he grinned. "Mornin', sunshine."

"Merry Christmas, El."

"Oh, yeah." He twisted his watch and looked at the time. He threw the coat to the side and set the recliner straight up. Then he stood and went to Olivia. He leaned over, one hand on the arm of the couch, the other on the back, as he bent to kiss her. "Merry Christmas, sweetheart."

"Mmmm…that's the best Christmas present ever," she laughed and pulled him to sit beside her before she leaned in for another kiss. "How'd it go last night?"

"It was good. Different but good," he told her.

"Different?"

"Yeah…it felt weird…knowing it wasn't my house anymore…that I didn't belong there, you know?"

"El, it may not be your house but you will always belong in the life of your kids," she assured him.

"I know. Maureen set me straight on that," he explained.

"Good."

Elliot told her about the night – how the kids all seemed satisfied with his gifts to them, except for Eli who took more pleasure in ripping the paper and ribbons from everyone's gifts and playing in the boxes. He even told her a little about Kathy and how the whole evening played out between them. How surprised he was they actually got along and made it through without any cross words. He told her how he and Kathy had decided that maybe they _could_ be friends even if they weren't cut out to be husband and wife.

"You spent twenty-five years with her, El. You _need_ to be friends – if not for yourselves then for the kids' sake," Olivia squeezed his hand holding hers.

He smiled at her common sense response and stood up. "You hungry? I'm starving."

"I should eat little something but nothing heavy or greasy." She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Feeling bad?"

"Just a little nauseous."

"A little?"

She nodded her head. "But Melinda told me it was easier to keep the nausea at bay than try to stop it after it really gets started."

"Phenergan tablets don't help?"

"Elliot, I already feel like a warehouse for drugs. I don't want to take anymore than I have to, so I'm not taking it if something else will help."

"Hmmm…okay. I'll see what I can up with," he told her as he started for the kitchen.

"El?"

"Yeah." He stopped and looked back at her.

"Would you mind helping me to the bathroom first? I'd like to shower and change clothes, but I feel kind of weak this morning." She hated asking anyone for help, but she had no choice.

Elliot felt like someone had given him a blow to the stomach. He wanted her well. He wanted the strong, independent Olivia back. "No problem."

After Elliot got her situated in the bathroom with clean towels and a change of clothes, she promised him she would be okay to take a shower without Alex or Casey helping her.

"Okay, but don't lock the door," he told her.

"Yes, Dad." She rolled her eyes even as she closed the door in his face.

By the time Elliot made his way back to the kitchen, Alex and Casey were up. Casey was pouring a cup of coffee and handed the mug to Elliot then poured another for herself.

"Thanks." Elliot stirred a pack of Splenda and a dash of creamer in the coffee then took a chair across the table from Alex as she ate a blueberry bagel covered in cream cheese. Casey brought her mug and joined them. She snagged a muffin and peeled the paper from it.

"What's with the hat? Your head cold?" Alex asked as he grabbed a bagel and started smoothing cream cheese on it.

"Got my reasons." Elliot winked at her.

They discussed the night before with Fin and Munch finding out about Olivia and their reactions to her being sick. They told Elliot some of the things that were discussed and how much fun the night was and how they thought it was good for Olivia. Elliot told them a little about his time with the kids and recounted all of Eli's doings as well.

Then the conversation turned serious. "When's Liv's next round of chemo?" Elliot asked.

"Monday," Casey told him.

He nodded. "I want to take her."

Alex and Casey traded looks. "Have you asked her about this?"

"What's to ask? I'm gonna take her. I want to be here for her," he added.

"Elliot, don't tell her you're going – ask her," Casey suggested.

"There a problem?" he asked.

Casey searched his eyes before answering. "It's just…it's tough, Elliot. She may not want you to see her at her worst."

"What I saw the other night wasn't her worst?" Elliot was incredulous at this thought.

"That was bad, but chemo is…it's…it's not good and I can't really explain it. Just please _ask_ Olivia about you taking her, okay?"

Nodding, he took a sip of his coffee. "Okay."

Olivia came into the kitchen hanging onto furniture and walls as she walked very slowly. Elliot jumped up to go to her.

"I'm fine, El. Let me do this myself."

"You sure?" He stood nearby ready to catch her is necessary.

She nodded and continued on until she was seated at the table with Casey and Alex. Elliot breathed a silent sigh of relief then went to make her a cup of coffee. Setting it before her he took his seat at her right side.

"You want a bagel or a muffin?" Elliot's hand hovered over the plate in the center of the table.

Olivia laughed and pulled his hand away as she picked up a blueberry bagel. "I'm not totally helpless, El."

"Sorry…I just…sorry." He put his hands on the side of plate and looked at the remains of his own bagel.

"It's okay." She was looking at him and seemed to only now be aware of his hat. She reached up for it. "Don't you know it's impolite to wear a hat at the table?"

Covering her hand before she could pull the hat from his head, he told her, "If I have a good reason, it's not impolite."

All the women laughed. "What good reason might you have, Detective Stabler?" Alex asked. "Got a bunny rabbit up there?

The grin on Elliot's face was from ear to ear.

"Oh, he's really the Grinch," Casey exclaimed as they all broke into another round of laughter.

"I'm no Grinch, and I have a very good reason. It's Olivia's Christmas present," he informed them.

"Christmas present?" Casey shook her head.

"Somehow I don't think a used hat is a very good present." Alex looked at him suspiciously. "You should have asked for our input."

Olivia sat there amused by the banter and more curious than ever about this hat that was to be her Christmas gift from Elliot. Maybe he meant _he_ was her gift! Now that was something she would not mind at all.

Elliot turned to look at Olivia. He took her hands in his and kissed each one before letting go of the right one.

"I couldn't figure out what to get you…I wanted something _really_ special…but well, this is all I could come up with, Liv." His left hand slowly pulled the black wool knit cap from his head.

A collective gasp pierced the small kitchen, as the hat revealed the very shiny, completely bald head of Elliot Stabler.

Olivia was speechless as were the other two women. That in itself was a miracle with this trio. She opened her mouth but no words came out. As she lifted her hand to run it over Elliot's bald head, the tears began to stream down her cheeks.

"I want…I want you to know I'm here for you, Olivia. Through it all. This is just my way of telling you that we – you and me – we are gonna get through this. I'm gonna keep it shaved until your hair starts to grow back." He looked deep into her eyes. "I…I hope you…you don't think it was crazy thing to do for a gift."

Hands framing his face, she pulled him down to her then kissed his bald head in several spots before slowly trailing down his cheek and jaw to capture his lips with hers. Between kisses she managed to whisper through her tears.

"It's perfect."

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	14. Chapter 13 Prisoner

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 13 – Prisoner**

**Cabot Residence – Christmas Morning 9:15 a.m.**

After a leisurely breakfast, the four friends sat in the great room drinking coffee and exchanging gifts which were small tokens of friendship - gift cards to Starbucks; a new key ring for Alex who had lost her keys two weeks ago; a CD of classical guitar music; etc.

Realizing Olivia wanted to be alone with Elliot, Alex said to Casey, "Hey, I want to show you some research I've been doing and get an objective opinion on my strategy."

"Sure."

"Come on," Alex told her and headed for her home office with Casey following.

Olivia looked over at Elliot sitting next to her and smiled nervously. She had saved her gift hoping to give it to him privately. Not that she was embarrassed by it or anything - after all Casey and Alex had helped her with it. She simply wanted to be alone with him when she gave it to him because this was all so new to her - this relationship with someone she truly loved.

Elliot watched her expressions. "What?" he asked amused at the smile on her face.

"What, what?" Olivia smiled up at him.

"What are you grinning about?"

"A girl can't grin at the guy she loves?"

Elliot tilted his head and gave a small shrug. "Of course, but it sure makes the guy she loves wonder what the girl he loves is smiling about?"

She wrapped her arms around his waist and snuggled into his chest. "The girl is just so happy she can't help but smile."

Her words sent waves of warmth through him. Olivia was happy and _he_ was the reason. He didn't think he had ever heard her say she was happy. And he certainly could not remember her smiling so much – at least not in recent years. She – _they_ – used to smile a lot in the early days of their partnership. The early days before everything became so complicated. As much as he hated that word when she had used it to sum up their relationship, he had to agree she had been right. It _was_ complicated. Or at least it had been. There was nothing to complicate it now. He loved her, she loved him and as long as they were in agreement on that issue they could _un_-complicate anything!

"I like that you're happy," he pulled her closer.

"Me, too," she whispered.

After they sat there just being together for a number of minutes, Olivia spoke, "I've got something for you."

"Oh, yeah?"

She reached beside her and pulled a flat package from behind a throw pillow. "It's not much, but…well, I…I hope you like it."

Elliot took the brightly wrapped gift decorated with red, green gold and blue stripes, tied with a wide bow of blue and turned it over and over in his hands.

"It's from you…I'm sure I'll like it." He began pulling the bow and paper from the gift. It didn't take long to unwrap. His face was nearly split in two by his smile when he saw the gift.

Olivia sat by expectantly waiting for his reaction. "You like it?"

He laughed. "Like it? I love it!" He held the picture of the two of them sitting on his desk looking at each other with huge smiles on their faces. "I don't remember this being taken." He was perplexed because he knew he would remember someone taking their picture in the squad room.

Olivia laughed out loud. "Remember that day Munch and Fin had us cracking up with their argument over Big Brother always being on the watch?"

Elliot nodded.

"Well, Fin had an ink pen with a hidden camera," she told him as she raised her eyebrows.

Elliot frowned for a few seconds before his face lit up with understanding. "I remember that! Fin kept clicking the thing. Nearly drove me crazy! Reminded me of how you always have to be doing something with your hands."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know…you're always clicking a pen open and shut; turning your watch over and over; mutilating a paperclip," he explained.

"And that _bothers_ you?" she said with feigned hurt in her voice.

"No…no. I'm just saying it reminded me of you. Anything that reminds me of you is good." He winked at her.

"Nice save, Stabler." She elbowed him teasingly then turned the picture toward her.

"It's a good picture of us, huh?"

"It is…but you're always so photogenic."

"I already forgave you for that previous comment, Elliot. You don't have to keep sucking up."

"Truth is not sucking up, Liv." He kissed the top of her head. "So Fin was taking pictures the whole time?" 

"Yep. And Munch still can't figure out who took them. Fin made copies and put one in Munch's locker everyday for three weeks," she chuckled.

Elliot laughed at the thought. "Just gives Munch more fodder for his conspiracy theories."

"Well, after what Brady Harrison did and what Tucker said to me, I'm far more inclined to believe John, now."

"What'd Tucker say to you?" Elliot sat up straight, concerned and curious.

"Nothing." She couldn't believe she slipped up leaving herself wide open for his questions. There was no way she was going to admit to seeing a counselor about the Sealview and Harris issues.

"Olivia. He said _something_. What was it?" Elliot was quickly getting upset. He hated Ed Tucker, the IAB detective, who seemed to have a vendetta against him and Olivia.

"Drop it, Elliot," she warned.

Elliot stared at her, his blue eyes filled with determination. "No. What did Tucker say to you?"

"Elliot…"

"Olivia, we're just getting started here with us…you and me. We need to be upfront and honest with each other. Please, tell me what he said."

Shaking her head, she turned to face him. "It's over and it doesn't matter, okay?"

Her gaze locked with his and he could see that if he continued to push her he would ruin their Christmas which was the last thing he wanted. Besides, she didn't need to be emotionally upset during this vulnerable time in her life. She needed all her energy to fight this battle with cancer, not battle with him.

Slowly he nodded his head. "Okay. Okay. If you say it doesn't matter then it I don't need to know what he said." He kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry, El," she whispered.

"Shhh…nothing to be sorry about." He held the picture up. "This really is a good picture of us."

"I'm glad you like it." She took the picture from him and held it in her lap.

"Hey…uh…I know you have to go tomorrow for chemo. I'd like to be the one to take you, that is if…if you don't mind me going."

Olivia's head snapped toward him then down to the picture in her hands.

"But…I…uh…Casey…she came all this way…and…I…wouldn't want to hurt her feelings…"

"Casey's fine with me taking you."

Olivia's brows knit together as anger washed over her. "You…you talked to Casey about...me? About…she…she said she didn't want to take me?" Olivia was confused now.

"No, she didn't say that. I just told her I'd like to be the one to take you. She said I should ask you if it was okay."

"Oh." Olivia wasn't sure why she suddenly felt like nothing but a huge burden to her friends but she did and she began to cry. "I'm sorry, Elliot," she sniffled and wiped tears away.

Alarmed at her distress, Elliot pulled her to him rubbing her back and trying to comfort her. "Liv, what it is, baby?"

"I just…I don't want…you've been so good to me…but don't you have to go to work?"

"Got plenty of leave built up. I'm not going back until I know you are okay."

"But we may never know that…not a hundred percent, anyway."

"Look, I've told you – I want to be with you through this…we'll fight it together. If there's some reason you don't want me to take you, tell me."

Olivia looked into his piercing blue eyes and saw the love he had proclaimed, the desire to be here with her and there was no way she could tell him no. But she had to try to explain why allowing him to take her was difficult for her.

"It's just that…it's hard…I get really, really sick…and cranky and I…I don't want you to…to…" She had to stop because the ache in her throat wouldn't let her continue.

Elliot tried to help her out by saying it for her. "You don't want me to see at your worst? I've already seen you at your worst, Olivia, and I still love you. Still want to be with you."

At that she had to smile. "This is…different. I'm afraid you'll change your mind…afraid you'll… leave me."

Astonished at her statement, Elliot shook his head almost violently. Then he took her face in his hands and firmly told her in a low voice, "I'll never change my mind about loving you or being with you. I'm not going anywhere, Liv."

Tears came rushing down her cheeks again. She couldn't believe how easily she cried now. Elliot held her close and whispered comforting words and she found herself releasing all the pent up emotions of the last few weeks; the last few years; and perhaps even of her entire life. And Elliot was simply there for her. He did just what she needed. He wrapped her in his arms and held her to him and let his warmth and strength become hers. How she loved him for knowing her well enough to know exactly would help her.

Elliot was transfixed by the fact that Olivia Benson was in his arms letting him hold and soothe and be with her. In all his thoughts and dreams about her he never thought it would be this easy. Never thought they could just simply be together. In some ways he never wanted to leave this couch; never wanted to have to let her go from his side. But in order for her to get better and for them to be able to live a normal life, he had to let her go. Inhaling the slight scent of the musk cologne she had on, he pulled her closer, shut his eyes and let his mind wander to the future. A future in which she was a big part of his life - bigger than she had ever been.

Time seemed to have stopped. She had no idea how long they remained in each other's embrace but her tears had finally stopped. Elliot massaged her neck and kissed her head from time to time; his left hand entwined with hers and gently caressed her index finger with his thumb. If she had things her way she would sit right there beside him for the rest of her life.

"It's like living with someone who is very controlling," Olivia spoke softly.

Elliot was caught off guard at the sound of her voice and didn't know if she wanted a response or not. After she was quiet for several seconds he asked, "What is?"

She glanced up at him but quickly turned away and settled back against his broad chest. "Chemo. An aggressive, controlling, selfish person named Chemo."

Elliot's heart hurt for her. He gave her a reassuring squeeze of the hand.

Olivia closed her eyes and started talking. "It doesn't matter if I want to be up doing things; if Chemo wants to sleep then I have to sleep. If I feel like eating a big meal, it makes no difference if Chemo's not hungry because if Chemo's not hungry then I don't get to eat. Chemo won't let me. And if I eat anyway, Chemo gets mad and makes me so sick I'm either sitting on the toilet or hugging it or both. Chemo doesn't like hair so Chemo made me lose mine. If I do exactly what I'm told, Chemo might let me get well but there are no guarantees. Chemo is selfish and holds my future. I'm Chemo's prisoner. I belong to Chemo. And I'm afraid my friends will get tired of dealing with Chemo…and me because I'm not sure I'm strong enough to stand against Chemo…and eventually Chemo will make my friends go away, too. Just like my hair."

Elliot felt tears falling down his cheeks and tried to knock them away by leaning into his shoulder. In his entire life he had never heard such a poignant explanation of anything as Olivia's analogy of chemo being a real person; her controlling captor and subjugator of her future. The crushing stress she felt was unmistakable in her quiet voice tinged with sadness and fear. He wanted to help her yet there was little he could do other than what he had already offered. To be there.

"Olivia, you are no one's prisoner. Your life is your own. You are not fighting this alone. Chemo is no match for Benson and Stabler. You got that? _No_ match!"

Olivia felt a rush of determination, strength and hope flood through her as she nodded her agreement. Elliot was right. Chemo was no match for Benson and Stabler. She turned her face toward him as he captured her lips and their salty tears mingled. No match.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	15. Chapter 14 Perception

HAPPY 47th BIRTHDAY, MARISKA! " ) Bensler

Man, the fiery darts of life keep piercing me & my family! Although I DID have a reprieve - got to spend three full days in Los Angeles Fri-Tue this past week with one of my best friends who is there on an extended business trip. Even got to be in the audience of a Dr. Phil show! Took Wed off, went back to work Thu and had just sat down at my desk at 9 a.m. when I got a call from my youngest son, Ryan, who is attending college 2 and 1/2 hours away. He had been in the ER since 5 a.m. and had just been told he needed to have his appendix removed! So, I headed to north Georgia. He had to stay overnight (and I had only the clothes on my back) but we got home late Friday afternoon and he is on the mend. Will have to miss a week of school - I hate this for him - but am glad he is home so Mom can look after him. I wrote most of this chapter while sitting in his hospital room. Hope you like it. Please let me know. " ) Bensler

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 14 – Perception**

**Cabot Residence – December 26, 9:15 a.m.**

Olivia laid awake watching Elliot sleep. She had tried to get him to sleep on the couch because she knew sleeping in the chair couldn't be comfortable – especially after so many nights. He refused saying he wanted to be close at hand if she needed anything. Feeling guilty she almost offered for him to sleep beside her, but she didn't think either of them was ready for that even if it were kept above board. So, instead she contentedly gazed upon his sleeping form.

Her lips lifted in a smile as she looked again at his bald head. Amazed that he cared enough about her to think of doing this filled her heart until she was sure it would burst. And no, it wasn't like it was that big of deal…it wasn't like he had a head of hair like Dean or Andy. It was that he clearly had given a lot of thought as to what he could do to identify with her and this illness somehow - even in a small way. It was his way of telling her she was not alone; that he would be there with her through this battle; she would not be alone. It made her love for him that much stronger.

Christmas Eve with Captain Cragen and the guys had been great and Christmas day with Elliot and Alex and Casey had been wonderful. Even with her precarious health, Olivia she decided this Christmas was the best one in her entire life. She smiled to herself as the smell of breakfast and coffee wafting from the hallway prompted her to make her way to the shower. She felt much better this morning but made a mental note to try and not overdo it today. She wanted to be strong tomorrow for her next chemo session. How she dreaded it. She shook her head and reprimanded herself. _No, I will not think about tomorrow. Today is a precious gift and I am going to enjoy being with my friends and Elliot. Today is today. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. _

Done with her shower and makeup, she had dressed in dark blue jeans and an emerald green scooped neck sweater. Adjusting the red and green Christmas scarf Casey had bought for her she put on gold hoop earrings and just as she finished there was a light knock at the door.

She opened the door to see Elliot grinning at her. "Good morning, beautiful." He leaned down to kiss her and took one of gold hoops in his hand. "I like the earrings."

"Good morning and thank you," she replied as she wrapped her arms around him. She loved being able to hold him, kiss him and be held by him like this.

When he pulled back to look at her, she realized he had already showered and dressed. He was wearing a red button down shirt and black jeans and was barefoot. "You're looking good, Stabler. "

"Not half as good as you." He hugged her again then released her to pick up a pair of black socks and black boots. He sat on the edge of the bed and put them on.

"You're just saying that."

"No. I'm not, Olivia. I find you incredibly attractive and in case you don't remember, so does just about every man we see."

"Oh, you mean like all the rapists and pedophiles and murderers," she said sarcastically.

"Well, them, too, but also other detectives, unis, EMTs, doctors, whoever."

She rolled her eyes at him as she leaned against the bedroom door jamb.

"Don't roll your eyes. You always roll your eyes when I'm right, you know that?"

"Keep telling yourself that, Stabler." She rolled her eyes again.

"Hungry? I smell coffee and bacon!" Slipping on his boots, he stood, took her hand and pulled her out of the bedroom, down the hall and into the kitchen.

"Merry Christmas, ladies!" Elliot came up behind Casey and embraced her as she and Alex turned toward him and Olivia. He let go of Casey and reached for Alex. "Merry Christmas."

"Elliot, Christmas was _yesterday_," Casey reminded him as her stare shifted between Elliot and Olivia. She went to Olivia and the two embraced. "Exactly how much eggnog did you drink last night?"

He threw his hands up and shrugged. "Why? Was it spiked?"

"As if you don't know," Casey retorted.

Alex came to Olivia for a hug, too. "Wow, Liv. What a Christmas present, huh?" She nodded at Elliot's head and leaned over and ran her hand over his head.

Elliot ran his own hands over his head and said through a huge grin, "Smooth move, huh?"

"Smooth? No pun intended, I suppose," Alex commented dryly as the others laughed.

"I told you I want Liv to know I'm here for her." Elliot grinned widely.

"I think she's always known that. Right, Liv?" Casey asked.

Olivia simply nodded around the lump that had filled her throat as her eyes glistened with tears.

Realizing this was a bit uncomfortable for her, Elliot changed the subject. "So, who cooked? I've heard rumors about Casey's cooking."

"Hey, now! Don't bite the hand that's feeding you!" Casey feigned hurt feelings.

"Wait a sec." Elliot raised an eyebrow at her. "Did I say the rumors were bad?"

"You _implied_ that was the case by your intonation," Alex told him.

"But that's not what he _said_, counselor," Olivia pointed out. "And the inflection in someone's voice can't be used as evidence because it is not objective."

"Hey, whose side are you on, girlfriend?" Alex asked as Casey folded her arms in mock annoyance.

Olivia smiled at the two women, walked over to Elliot and hooked one arm through his then ran her free hand over his head. "I'm on Slick's side." With that she pulled him down and kissed him.

The four of them sat at the breakfast table eating scrambled eggs, bacon and toast while sipping coffee and hot tea and talking. Olivia watched them interacting and thought how thankful she was to have each of them in her life. Casey made her keep things in perspective and could be counted on to lighten things up with her humor; Alex, the more serious of the two, was never afraid to tell her what she needed to know even if it wasn't something she wanted to hear, but was always there when she needed someone to listen; and Elliot – Elliot defied description. He was simply everything to her. And now that they were starting on this new aspect of their relationship she knew she would never be able to live without him.

"Excuse me, ladies. I just thought of something," Elliot said as he scooted his chair back and left the kitchen.

He went into the bedroom and rummaged through his duffle bag and each pocket of every jacket and coat he had with him. Not finding what he was looking for he returned to the kitchen.

"I left something in my car. Be back in a few minutes," he said as he pulled on his wool coat.

"Okay," Olivia smiled at him.

Casey handed Olivia another cup of tea and sat down with her freshened coffee. As soon as the front door closed, Casey asked her, "Did Elliot talk to you about tomorrow?"

Olivia looked over her mug at Casey, took a sip then nodded. "Yes. He wants to take me."

"You okay with that?" Casey asked.

Nodding again, Olivia replied, "I don't know why but he really wants to do this."

Alex rolled her eyes. "He's crazy about you, Olivia, that's why. And he's going crazy worrying about you."

"I know but…"

"No buts. He _needs_ to be there, Liv. He needs to see what this is all about." Casey leaned toward her. "And _you_ need him there, too."

She looked at her two friends and smiled. "You're right. I _do_ need him."

The vibration of Elliot's cell phone on the table at his now vacant seat caused all three women to look toward it. Olivia reached over and picked it up. The screen was lit up with a text message. It wasn't that she meant to pry into Elliot's business; it wasn't that she was the nosy, jealous girlfriend; it wasn't that she didn't trust him; it wasn't that she meant to see something she probably should not – but she did. And now it was too late.

Reading the text, Olivia felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Why? Because Elliot apparently had a meeting today - a meeting he had not mentioned to her. At all. And it wasn't a meeting with just anyone. It was with a woman who had been in his life for years. A woman who had shared a good portion of his life; faced many things with him; a woman who helped mold and make him into the man he was today. A woman who had appeared to be quite smitten with him.

The text read: _"Something's come up. Can we meet 4:00 instead of 2:00? 3 Jo_

Jo? Nausea swept over her. Why, she wondered? Why? Because Jo Marlowe and Elliot were meeting for some reason, that's why. Olivia knew it was not work because Jo was no longer their ADA and thought back to the night she met Jo – the way Elliot had seemed to be speechless at the sight of the attractive new ADA. How she did not like the way Jo had looked at Elliot or the things she said about her previous partnership with him. In the course of their few months working with her in the SVU, Olivia had been more than aware of some nameless undercurrents between Jo and Elliot.

The fact that Elliot had talked about Jo on many occasions yet somehow managed to never mention the fact that Jo was a woman bothered Olivia on many levels. She was bothered even more by Jo's questioning her about whether she and Elliot had ever slept together and Jo's flippant announcement that his being married was of no consequence. Olivia decided she had little, if any, use for the woman, and her dislike for Jo Marlowe even caused her to briefly wonder if Elliot and Jo had had an affair. But then she reminded herself that Elliot would have never gone against his vows let alone hurt Kathy and his family like that. Her perception of Jo Marlowe may be totally off, she told herself, but still, Olivia could not help but be concerned over this text message. Especially since it ended with a heart before Jo's name.

Casey and Alex watched Olivia, concerned over the quickly changing emotions running across her face. Unable to wait any longer, Casey asked, "What is it?"

Olivia jumped, her gaze shot to Casey then Alex and back. "W-what?" she asked in a shaky voice.

"Something's wrong," Alex stated, rather than questioned.

Olivia stared at Alex as if she had been caught doing something she shouldn't. "No." Olivia slowly shook her head. "Nothing's wrong."

The three women continued to stare at one another as Olivia slid Elliot's phone back to where he had left it on the table next to his coffee cup.

The front door opened and they heard Elliot take off his coat and the clink of his keys on the table in the foyer. As he entered the kitchen, he took one bewildered look at the three women, and the smile on his face quickly transformed into a troubled frown.

"What's wrong?" he asked, knots forming in his gut as he steeled himself for an answer he was sure was not going to be good.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	16. Chapter 15  Prerogative

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 15 – Prerogative**

**Cabot Residence – Sunday, December 26 - 10:40 a.m.**

Elliot's gaze traveled repeatedly from one woman to the other before finally settling on Olivia who gave him a brief smile then looked down at her tea.

"What'd I miss?" he asked warily as he slowly made his way to the table to reclaim his seat.

Picking up his cell phone, he glanced at it for just a second then hit the button on the side to clear the screen then slipped it into his pocket.

Olivia waited for him to say something about meeting Jo, but, of course, he didn't. This served only to enforce her fears and jealousy and mistrust even as she told herself there must be a perfectly logical reason for the meeting.

Alex glanced at Olivia who was now intently shredding a napkin. "Nothing," she said with a smile.

A forced smile, Elliot thought. "Well, it sure seems like I missed something. You're all acting strange."

Casey chuckled as she spoke, "Come on, El. You don't really want to hear all the girl talk, now do you?"

With narrowed eyes, he carefully studied each of their expressions before answering. "No. I get enough drama from my girls." He was sure there was something else at play but knew he was not going to get anywhere with the discussion.

"Find what you were looking for," Olivia asked, hoping she sounded normal as she changed the subject.

"Yeah. It was in the car." He put his hand over hers and squeezed it lightly.

Quickly, she pulled her hand from his and at the puzzled look on his face she picked up her tea cup and plate and started to stand.

Before she could complete the maneuver, Elliot took them from her. "I've got it," he said as he took the dishes from her and picked up Casey's and Alex's, too. His expression told her he knew something was off.

"Well, I've got some briefs to go over before court tomorrow." Alex stood and headed for her office.

"And I'm meeting some friends to hit a few after Christmas sales," Casey added. "Liv, you feel up to a little shopping? I'll bring you home whenever you're ready."

Olivia shook her head with a smile. "Thanks but I've got plans with Munch and Fin this afternoon, remember? They are supposed to be here around 3:00 and I think it would be too much to do both."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot." Casey snapped her fingers. "Have fun with the guys and I'll see you this evening."

She and Alex both left the room.

Having rinsed and placed the dishes into the dishwasher, Elliot was leaning with his back to the counter, his hands stretched to each side of the sink watching Olivia. Her discomfort from his even stare was increasing by the minute.

"I forgot about you going out with guys, too. Where are they taking you?" Elliot asked in a hushed voice.

"Don't know. Munch said it was a surprise." Her eyes lifted to his but flitted away before she even finished speaking. "You…uh…you want to come along?" She knew he wouldn't because he was meeting Jo.

Elliot quietly surveyed her demeanor. Her fingers nervously tore the napkin into tiny slivers; she would barely meet his gaze let alone hold it; and she shied away from his touch. There an aura of guilt or something he could not quite place. Why would she be guilty? What could she have done? Or was it more a sense of guardedness she was exuding. The only thing he was sure of was something was not right.

"Nah…the guys want to see you, not me." He pushed off from the counter and came to the table, leaned over and kissed her temple. "Besides I've got some things to take care of this afternoon, so while you are otherwise preoccupied…I'll do what I need to do."

She could not help but feel like he was lying to her by not telling her he was meeting Jo, not to mention she was feeling like a huge burden again. Turning her head away she told him, "Oh…well, I'm sorry I've been keeping you from doing what you want."

"What?"

"Since I'll have a couple of babysitters, you'll be free to do _whatever_ it is you have planned," she spoke in a voice laced with sarcasm and hurt.

"What are you talking about?" Elliot was thoroughly perplexed.

"I don't need a babysitter, Elliot. You don't have to stay with me 24/7. I didn't ask you to be my shadow. I'm not afraid of being alone." She lifted her jaw toward him as if in defiance to an enemy. "I've been alone all my life. It's nothing new."

"Shadow? Olivia…where is all this coming from?" He sat down beside her, his brow furrowed with anxiety. She might say she wasn't afraid to be alone – and when she was well, that was probably true – but he knew she did not want to be alone during this battle with cancer. He also knew Olivia well enough to know she was picking a fight. And he was not going to fall for it or let her suck him into by her words or actions.

Shaking her head, she again looked away. Catching her chin between his thumb and fingers, he gently turned her face toward his. "Olivia?" When her eyes met his but then shifted to the table, he leaned down to try to look into them. "Hey, look at me. Please?"

Shaking her head, she refused his plea. He sighed heavily and stood up. He was not going to fight with her – no matter how much she was pushing his buttons. Fighting with her simply was not on his agenda. "Okay. Have it your way. I'm going to watch that DVD you wanted me to get. I'd like you to watch it with me, but if you'd rather sit in here and sulk about something I have no clue about, then fine. That's your prerogative."

Just as he reached the entrance to the great room, Olivia called out, "Wait."

She could not believe he was not going to argue with her. This was not like Elliot. He always jumped right into the heat of the moment when she baited him like this - always more than ready for spouting his own opinions and accusations. Maybe he was already tiring of her and her illness. Maybe that was why he had that meeting this afternoon.

He stopped but did not turn around. The scraping of her chair on the tile floor told him she had stood up.

"I'm…" She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

Elliot released a hard breath of relief at her apology. Before he could turn to face her, he felt her warm hands come around his waist and her head rest against his back. "I'm sorry," she repeated in a whisper. He took her hands and pulled her arms tighter around him and held her to him for a long time before finally turning to smile at her.

"You know I hate to watch movies alone…especially chick flicks." He took her hand and guided her to the couch then started the DVD.

Olivia finished changing her clothes and looked at the clock again. It was 2:35. Munch and Fin would be there soon to pick her up. She and Elliot had watched the movie, engaged in pointless chit-chat during it and she had left him on the couch laying down for a nap while she got ready for her afternoon outing. She walked back into the great room and sat in a chair opposite the couch and watched him sleep.

She found herself wondering what they were doing; what this new aspect of their relationship really meant; and whether or not Elliot was in fact ready for this after just coming out of a twenty-five year marriage. She thought back to the night she had fallen and had to be taken to the hospital.

After Casey had brought him back to her room and they got over the initial awkwardness, they had talked off and on most of the night. He had finally told her about the divorce. Told her that he had moved out nearly three months ago; that this time it was his idea; that they had signed the final papers just the day before and it should be final before the New Year.

She replayed part of the conversation in her head.

"_I can't believe you didn't tell me," she whispered, hurt that once again he had not confided in her about his personal life._

"_Works both ways, Olivia," he countered. "You kept your illness from me."_

_She knew he was right. She, too, had kept things from him in the past – and not just her illness. She had looked into his blue eyes and seen the turmoil in them. "That's different."_

_He snorted, "How? How is not telling you about my divorce different, huh?"_

_Shrugging, she looked away. "I don't know…it just…it just is."_

_"It's not different, Olivia. We both kept something important from each other to shield the other; to protect. It was our way of showing our concern for each other."_

_Glancing at him, she could not help the smirk crawling across her lips. "You sound like Huang."_

_Raising his eyebrows quickly, he ran his hand down his face and blew out a breath through pursed lips._

_When his gaze finally met hers again, she knew. She knew. "You talked to _Huang_?"_

_He shifted uncomfortably and began chewing on the inside of his right cheek and did not comment. _

"_You let Huang _shrink_ you about all this?" she continued, incredulous at the thought of Elliot willingly talking to the unit's psychiatrist._

"_I…I was…" He scratched the side of his face and rubbed his chin then pierced her with the stare of his blue eyes. "I was…uh…kind of a mess when I…found out you were gone again. And then….then when I found out about…about…the, uh, the…you being sick…I..I sort of lost it."_

"_Cancer. You can say it, Elliot. It's okay."_

_He nodded. "Cragen called Huang to his office and told me to talk to him."_

"_Told you to talk him?"_

"_Made it clear that I _had_ to talk to him."_

"_And you learned what exactly," she asked._

"_Just what I said earlier…you didn't tell me about the…about being sick because you wanted to spare me knowing…spare me the emotions and fear…and I didn't tell you about me and Kathy because I didn't want you to be caught in the middle of it and…feel guilty or something because you couldn't stop it. Or get hurt because of what others might think. We were both trying to keep each other from getting hurt."_

_Pondering his explanation for a few moments before nodding her head, she then asked, "What do you mean about what others might think?"_

_He worried his bottom lip with his teeth and frowned. "If I'd told you, I would have leaned on you too much…I mean, you _are_ my best friend…and you would have been there for me…but others wouldn't understand. Some would have made assumptions…and I just didn't want there to be any question about your involvement in the demise of my marriage."_

"_Assumptions?" she asked teasingly._

"_Yeah…you know…" he trailed off suddenly embarrassed._

_Oh, yes, she definitely knew. She had lost count of how many people asked if they had or were sleeping together – including Elliot's son, Dickie…or rather Richard as he now preferred to be called. "People have been making assumptions about us since we've been partnered, Stabler," she reminded him with big smile._

_At this he had to laugh. "You're right about that."_

"_El?" Her voice had taken on a serious tone._

"_Yeah."_

"_No more playing games, okay? From here on out, we need to be honest about everything. Deal?"_

_Taking her hand to shake it, he agreed, "Yeah, Benson. Deal."_

"Hey, Benson. Where'd you go?" Elliot asked as he sat up and stretched on the couch.

Smiling, as his voice brought her back to the present, she told him, "Just thinking."

His smile lit up his face, "About…"

Waggling her eyebrows, she said, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"As a matter of fact, I would," he agreed.

"Well," she started but then a knock sounded at the door. "I'm sorry, but I have to answer the door." She got up and walked toward the foyer.

"Saved by the knock," Elliot said as he ran ahead of her and opened the door.

"Wow…lookin' good girl," Fin told her as he looked her over.

"Hey, watch it, pal," Elliot said in mock anger.

"Never knew he was one of those jealous types," Munch said as he leaned toward Olivia conspiratorially to kiss her cheek.

Popping him playfully on the shoulder, she retorted, "Right. And you never knew he had a short fuse either, I bet."

"What's wit' the bald head? You tryin' to look like Cragen or somethin'?" Fin eyed Elliot.

"He did it for me," Olivia told them. "Just call him 'Slick'."

They all laughed and she looked up at Elliot. "See you later, Slick." She wished he would stop her from going or decide to go with them. She did not want him meeting Jo but there was no way to stop him without letting him know she had read the text message.

He pulled her into a hug then kissed her on the lips and whispered, "Love you."

She leaned back and stared at him and reminded herself that he must have a good reason to be meeting Jo Marlowe because he just told her he loved her – and in front of their colleagues.

"Love you, too." She smiled as she was ushered down the hall by Munch and Fin.

"Take good care of her." Elliot called out.

"Gotcha covered, Stabler," Fin replied.

**Meg's Sandwich Shoppe – Sunday, December 26 – 4:00 p.m.**

"Thanks for meeting me on such short notice and the day after Christmas," Elliot said as he pulled out the chair opposite the Jo Marlowe and sank into it.

"I'm always game to meet a good looking man for a drink, even if it is just a cup of coffee," she replied with a wink and a seductive smile.

Amused at her flirty attitude and candor, Elliot took a moment to check her out. Her hair was silky with a healthy shine and fixed just so; make-up perfectly applied; the light blue cashmere sweater she wore magnified the brilliance of her eyes. Even in her fifties, she was still a very attractive woman.

Elliot thought back to their time as partners when he was a rookie detective. Time had not changed her a bit. She was still the confident, though some would say arrogant, brazen, outspoken Jo Marlowe he had known all those years ago.

"Well, I appreciate it. I know you'd rather be spending the time at home with family or your significant other," he told her.

"No family nearby anymore. Or significant other." She laid a soft hand on top of his and gently ran her fingers along his. "Rumor has it you are about to be in the same boat. Maybe we could commiserate together, if you know what I mean," she suggested.

Elliot swallowed hard and blinked rapidly to clear his head and realign his train of thought. As the warmth from her hand burned at his skin and her piercingly blue eyes seemed to see something in him that should not be there, he most certainly knew what she meant.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	17. Chapter 16  Prepared

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 16 - Prepared**

**Meg's Sandwich Shoppe – Sunday, December 26 – 4:00 p.m.**

Gently shaking his head, Elliot finally pulled his hand from beneath hers. "Jo…I…I'm not…I…uh…don't know what to say…" His voice reflected the nervousness he showed physically shifting in his chair, looking everywhere but at her and constantly dragging his teeth over his lower lip.

Jo said nothing as she looked at him in confusion and at least a touch of embarrassment.

"I mean…it's not you…you're an incredibly attractive woman…I just…" he trailed off and looked out into the dining area.

Obviously she had made him very uncomfortable and Jo was surprised at his reaction because unless she had read him wrong, he had once been just as attracted to her as she was to him. Married or not. Watching the emotions that now ran across his face, the truth hit her like cold water splashed into her face.

"You're already involved with someone," she stated. Leaning back against her chair, she smiled and raised an eyebrow at him.

His gaze snapped to hers and he licked his lips but offered neither an agreement nor a refutation of her conclusion. His left knee bounced nervously and he could not help but think how many times this same gesture had irritated him to no end when Olivia did it.

"Let me guess – your partner." Jo smiled wickedly and shook her head. "The minute I met her, I _knew_ something was going on with the two of you."

"No," Elliot said forcefully as he suddenly found his voice. "No. You're wrong. Nothing was going on between us…not until just a few days ago."

At this announcement, Jo let loose with a roar of laughter. "Right. You really expect me to believe that, Stabler? Who taught you about being a detective? And you think I'm going to fall for that? Get out of here!" She shook her head. "And I even asked her if the two of you had ever…and she gave me some line about you being married."

"It wasn't a line."

"Then what's changed? You're going to an awful lot of trouble for just a partner."

"My divorce will be final sometime this week."

"Ah. So the rumors are true." She had heard those same rumors over the years too many times to count. So, now he had really gone through with it. Interesting.

Elliot turned a hard, steely glare at her knowing what she was thinking. "There was nothing going on between me and Olivia…I never touched her…not…not like you're thinking…we never…we've still never done what you're insinuating."

"Nothing? All right, maybe there was nothing going on physically but there was plenty going on mentally and emotionally. You can't deny that, now can you?"

Elliot stared at her then hunched over the table. "No. There's always been this…this connection…this bond or something between us. From the beginning. But that's not why I'm here."

"Isn't it?" she asked. "You care about her very much…that's _exactly_ why you're here."

"That what you want to hear, Jo? Yeah, I care about Olivia! I care so much about her that I cannot fathom losing her! I can't begin to think of living without her by my side! The thought of her dying leaves an ache deep inside of me. It's killing me! Okay?" He let out a long, shaky breath and fell back against the chair. Glancing around, he was glad there was only one other couple in the shop sitting at the far opposite of them and they were too intent on each other to pay any attention to his outburst.

Jo studied him quietly for several minutes. "You've got it bad, Stabler."

Closing his eyes, he stretched his neck side to side and drew in a deep breath. If she knew exactly how bad, he thought, she would think he was insane.

Jo continued, "Okay. What do you want to know?"

Elliot lifted his eyes back to her and noticed a deep sadness in them he had somehow missed before. For a long moment he searched her face, her eyes, and her demeanor. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question first?"

Chuckling, she told him, "Ask away…I've been pretty darn personal _without_ your permission."

A slight smirk started at the edge of his lips. "Couple of years back…heard through the grapevine you were getting married. But you didn't. Why not?"

Now it was Jo's turn to shift uncomfortably and gnaw on her lips. After a minute or so, she spoke. "Wow. You weren't kidding about being personal, were you?"

Feeling a bit bad for putting her in this position, he back pedaled. "Look…if it's too much…"

"No, no. It's just that no one has ever asked me point blank about it." Her gaze traveled around the diner then settled on Elliot. She took a sip of water then sighed as she set the glass back on the table. "My significant other left after…after…" She motioned toward her breasts.

Hanging his head, Elliot wished he had not asked the question. Even though he had asked Jo here today because she had gone through cancer and a bi-lateral mastectomy, and would be able to offer advice on how to deal with Olivia, it never occurred to him that her fiancé had left her because of her illness. "I'm sorry. I…I didn't know."

Somehow Jo managed a smile. "It's okay. He just couldn't handle it – the sickness; the rollercoaster emotions; the doctor visits; the chemo then radiation; what cancer did to my body…so he…he took off. After almost five years together he just…left." The sigh she released was heavy with pain.

Elliot felt her anguish and grief. "Then he didn't deserve you." His sincere words were softly spoken.

Her eyes, brimming with tears, drilled into Elliot's. "I hope Olivia knows just how lucky she is to have you." She reached for a napkin and wiped her eyes.

Slightly shaking his head, Elliot smiled at her statement. "_I'm_ the lucky one." His voice was soft and filled with awe as though he was amazed that Olivia would care about him and want to be with him.

Jo nodded as she saw the love shining from Elliot's face. She would make it a point to be sure Olivia Benson knew _exactly_ how lucky she was. "Okay…so you want to know what to do and not do for Olivia."

"And what reactions to expect from her, too," Elliot added. "I want to be prepared for anything that might come up."

"All right…let's start with the easy things. For tomorrow, pack her a bag of items to make the day go faster and provide a little extra comfort for her – laptop, books or magazines she likes; maybe a notebook and pens to write – if she's into journaling – if she's not, you might suggest it. It's quite therapeutic. An ipod or cd player. Bring a blanket, warm socks – I was so cold all the time. It was like I couldn't feel even an ounce of warmth in my body."

"Liv's always cold. Sometimes she shivers uncontrollably." Elliot thought back to that first night and how she trembled even wrapped in a thick blanket. "Says she never knew what bone-chilling cold was until now."

Jo nodded. "It's just one of the effects of the treatment, El. You might also want to pack an eye mask and earplugs in case she feels like taking a nap. Take some snacks but remember that chemo can affect the taste buds and things she used to love might not taste good at all. It left a metallic taste in my mouth."

Elliot remembered Olivia saying that nothing tasted the same and wondered if that was partly why she didn't seem to want to eat. "How long does the taste stay messed up?"

"It varies, but usually just a few days. And it might not happen at all. You might want to try some new things. Very sweet and very cold things were much better to me. Of course, the cold things didn't help me stay warm," Jo laughed. "Thus the blanket and socks."

Elliot smiled and pictured himself holding Olivia in his arms, pulling her close to help keep her warm.

"Even though Liv's already been through one treatment, she will probably still be scared and nervous about going through it again…maybe even more than the first time because now she knows how bad it can be. So, it's important for you to upbeat and reassuring but lay off the lame jokes and whatever you say don't try to pretend you know how she feels – you don't. You don't have a clue as to how this disease and these drugs are affecting her. Everyone has a different reaction to treatment – she might be tired and just want to sleep; she may be wired and _unable_ to sleep; she could be weepy and depressed; she might be fine and want to do something to relax like watch a movie or just talk; or she might be a total witch – cranky, angry, flying off the handle, saying things she doesn't mean – like I did." Jo chuckled as she remembered how bad she was at times. "Just don't take any of it personally."

Elliot could easily see Jo acting like this and Olivia, too, for that matter. But he'd had plenty of experience handling those kinds of moods as her partner, this would not be any different he told himself.

"You're telling me all these things _not_ to do, Jo. What _can_ I do to be supportive?" Elliot leaned across the table, his hands linked as he rubbed his thumbs over each other.

Smiling, Jo told him, "You're already doing it, Elliot. You're there for her. Listen to her, love her. Don't let her push you away. Just be there."

"No problem 'cause I'm not going anywhere. Thanks, Jo. This really helps me understand what Liv's going through and you've really given me some good ideas and helped me out." Elliot picked up the check and reached for his wallet.

Jo slung her purse over her shoulder and watched Elliot pull a credit card out. "Have you told Olivia you love her?"

Frowning, Elliot looked up at her. "What? How's that any of your business?" he asked, quite irritated with her question.

Jo simply smiled, leaned across the table and put her hand on top of his. "Because if you haven't you really should – it's written all over your face, and if you have, then _keep_ telling her. No matter how she acts, no matter what she says or does, just keep saying _I love you_. She's going to question why you are here; why you are staying with her; she'll convince herself it is out of obligation or guilt or something else that is not true. Olivia will wonder why you would waste your time with sick woman when you don't have to – you're not married, after all. She'll believe she's doing you a favor by kicking you to the curb. She'll convince herself you don't really want to be there and will most likely try to tell you she doesn't need you. Trust me - she needs you more now than she has ever needed you. And it's imperative that she be reminded – and often – that you _do_ love her and you are not going anywhere. She'll do everything she can to push you away. Don't let her, Elliot. I promise you, it's not what she really wants."

Elliot's mind was racing. Olivia was already an expert at pushing him away and sabotaging their relationship because of her feelings of unworthiness. Could the emotional upheaval of these treatments be any worse? He could handle this. He knew he could.

"Like I said before, I'm not going anywhere."

They walked out and Elliot hailed a cab for Jo. As he opened the back door for her, she turned to him and took him by the lapels of his wool overcoat pulling him close to her. "Remember two things, El. Don't take anything Olivia says or does personally, and do not, I repeat, do _not_ let her push you away."

His smile covered his face as he promised, "I won't."

She tip-toed and placed a kiss on his cheek and he drew her into a hug. "Thanks again, Jo."

"So what did you really think?" Munch asked as they exited the theatre.

"It was wonderful and I can't believe you guys found this being performed somewhere the day after Christmas!" Olivia exclaimed with a smile.

Fin and Munch had taken her to a community play of Wuthering Heights after finding out how much she loved the book.

"We couldn't believe it either," Fin told her. "I think I gotta go read the book now 'cause the play was pretty good."

"You've never read the book?" Olivia asked in amazement.

"Ain't exactly required reading in the hood, you know," he retorted with a grin.

"If you attended a New York City public school, I would think it would have been required reading no matter which hood," Munch argued.

Olivia smiled as the two began a playful banter about the pros and cons of public education versus street learning. As the three of them stood in front of the theatre, she watched a couple across the street about a half block down as they talked - apparently saying goodbye. A warm feeling swept over her as she realized she was now part of a couple, too. How sweet, she thought as the man opened the door of the cab for the woman. She started to get in but then turned to say something to him and pull him into a kiss. Then just as suddenly as that warm feeling swept through, a wave of nausea took its place. As the couple wrapped their arms around each other she realized she knew them. She _knew_ this woman and this man. The pounding of her heart and the sudden lack of air magnified her nausea. Nothing could have ever prepared her for the sight unfolding before her. Jo Marlowe and Elliot Stabler were embracing and Olivia felt her stomach churning with such violence that even chemo could not match.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	18. Chapter 17  Perplexed

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 17 - Perplexed**

**Cabot Residence – Sunday, December 26 – 7:25 p.m.**

"Thanks, guys. I had a really great time," Olivia hugged Fin.

"You sure you okay?" Fin asked. "You were way too quiet during dinner."

"I'm fine…just tired," she assured him.

"Hey," Elliot said as he came from the living room. He hugged Olivia and kissed the top of her head then draped his arm around her shoulder. "Have a good time?"

"Olivia and I had a wonderful time introducing my partner here to the finer things in life such as literary classics in the theatre form," Munch told him as he tipped his head toward Fin.

"All right, old man, we already discussed this to death, so shut up," Fin teasingly warned with a scowl.

Olivia quickly pulled away from Elliot and reached for Munch to hug him. "Thank you so much, John."

Elliot noticed how quickly she moved away from him but shook it off as his imagination.

"Not a problem, my lady," Munch lifted her hand and kissed it.

Fin rolled his eyes and took Munch by the arm. "Come on. You've had one drink too many and we got work tomorrow."

"See ya, Liv, Elliot," Fin said as he pulled Munch along.

"Goodnight, my fellow colleagues," Munch mumbled as he bowed slightly.

Olivia smiled at them. "Goodnight, guys."

"Yeah, see ya," Elliot called out.

He watched Olivia watching them until the elevator swallowed them. It was almost as though she were stalling for time. She barely glanced at him as she stepped back into the foyer and slowly closed the door. Standing with her back to him, she played with the long ties of her scarf then turned to face him. She smiled slightly and said, "I'm gonna get a shower."

Starting past him, Elliot caught her by the arm. Pulling her close, he leaned down and placed a quick kiss on her lips. Almost immediately, she turned her head and he leaned back to look into her eyes. "I haven't seen you since early this afternoon. I've missed you. Why don't we spend a little time together? You can tell me about your date with the guys."

Olivia just looked at him, her huge brown eyes clouded with an emotion Elliot could not quite put his finger on. "Missed me? Hmmm. You going to tell me about _your_ afternoon if I do?" she asked with unblinking eyes.

Smirking a bit, Elliot raised an eyebrow. "Well, my afternoon was pretty boring – running from store to store gathering all the things on my list." He leaned down and whispered in her ear, "And yes, I missed you. Very much."

She looked hard at him trying to understand why he would lie to her about where he had been and what he had been doing, but all she could see were those twinkling blue eyes and that sexy smirk. If she stood here much longer she would completely forget about Jo Marlowe. And she was not about to let that happen.

Releasing a deep sigh, she stepped back causing him to drop his hold on her. "Store to store, huh? You eat anything?" She was determined to catch him in a full lie.

Elliot paused trying to keep up with the subject changes; his mind crazily thinking she knew something about him and Jo, but then convinced himself there was no way. "Yeah. Grabbed a sandwich. Why? You hungry? You know me…I could eat again."

The way she kept looking at him was really beginning to unnerve him. Like she was sad or hurt or knew something bad that she did not want to share with him.

Finally, she shook her head. "Munch and Fin took me to dinner so I'm not hungry. But I _am_ tired. And I'm going to take a shower and go to bed." She started for the bedroom again.

"Hey, hey…you okay?" He reached out to lightly grasp her arm again and draw her back to him.

"Just tired," she insisted.

"Olivia?" he asked softly, a worried look on his face. "Are _we_ okay?"

Her heart clenched at the slight catch in his voice. She did not want to hurt him, but his actions had certainly hurt her. Her gazed traveled over his face, penetrating his eyes, desperately trying to see the truth in them.

Somehow she found a small smile. "Why wouldn't we be okay?" Quickly kissing him on the cheek, she turned and headed toward her bedroom before he could answer.

"Liv?" Elliot didn't know what was going on but something was not right.

She stopped but did not turn around. "Good night, Elliot."

As her bedroom door closed, Elliot realized she called him 'Elliot', not El, or Slick and in his heart he knew, he just _knew_ something was wrong. He also realized the closed door meant she did not want him sleeping in the chair near her bed in case she needed him. She was telling him she did not need him. She was already running. Already pushing him away.

The hot tears she had been holding back now flowed freely down her face. How could he stand there and act so concerned, like he was only interested in her? How could he pretend he had not just spent hours with another woman? How could he lie like this? Technically, he had _not_ lied, she realized. But he had certainly been less than truthful. _Running store to store_? Hmmph – maybe he did but what else did he do? And with whom? _Grabbed a sandwich_ – yeah, with a beautiful, sexy blond woman with whom he just happened to have a past history. His former partner. And Olivia knew _just_ how blurry the lines of partnership could become.

Staring into the mirror at her hollow, mascara streaked cheeks, she thought how horrible she looked. Even if she still had hair, she was sure it would be no improvement. Pulling the scarf from her bald head, it fell to the floor and her tears came in torrents as she asked herself why Elliot would want someone so ugly, so needy, so sick. The truth was he didn't. She _knew_ he didn't. That's why he had been with Jo, she told herself. The pain that slashed at her heart caused her face to crumple and she quickly covered with it with her hands. Sinking to the toilet seat, she hunched over and bawled until her breaths were ragged shudders.

Elliot leaned his forehead against the door of the bedroom. He could hear her sobs and he wanted so badly to go to her but knew better than to intrude. Her crying had caught Alex's attention as well.

"What's going on?" Alex frowned as she came down the hallway to stand in front of Elliot.

Jumping back from the door, Elliot tried to act like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. "I…I heard something…and…well…" He released a huge sigh and threw his hands up in frustration. "I don't know. I don't know."

"Well, why don't you knock and see if she is okay?" Alex asked. She could not understand why he just stood there listening instead of doing something about the situation.

Shrugging, he told her, "I don't think she would talk to me."

"What did you do to her?" Alex demanded, her eyes narrowed in judgment.

"Nothing!" he retorted. "At least nothing that I know of," he added awkwardly.

"Then you _must_ have done something." She shook her head in exasperation.

"Honest, Alex. If I did, I have no clue what. When she came back from being with the guys, she acted like she didn't want to be around me. I tried to get her to talk, but…" He shrugged again.

Alex rolled her eyes at him. "Look out." She took his place at the door and knocked softly at first but then harder when there was no response.

"Olivia?" she called out. "Are you okay?" She turned to Elliot. "Go on. Maybe she'll talk to me."

Elliot nodded and quickly made his way to the living room even though he wanted nothing more than to stay and find out what was wrong with Olivia. Just as he started to sit down on the couch he heard the bedroom door open and then close again. He hoped Alex could find out what was going on and give him a heads up so he would know what to do. The last thing he wanted was to be at odds with Olivia. He really had no idea what he might have done, but for some unexplained reason, he had a bad feeling that he had done something whether intentionally or not.

Olivia's tear streaked face, puffy eyes and red nose were a dead giveaway that she had been crying. She had fully expected it be Elliot at the door when she heard the first knock. And no way was she letting him in and dealing with the interrogation that would ensue. But then she heard Alex's concerned voice and could not ignore her friend who had so graciously let her stay in her home and help take care of her.

Alex leaned against the closed door and watched Olivia wipe at her eyes with a wadded up strip of toilet tissue.

"You okay?"

Olivia nodded, sniffled, and then shook her head as more tears found their way down her cheeks.

"Oh, honey," Alex said softly as she hugged her friend then guided her to sit on the bed. "I'm going to get you a cool cloth."

She was back in seconds and handed the cloth to Olivia. Not wanting to push her, Alex patted Olivia's shoulder and quietly waited as she held the cloth to her face.

"Thank you," Olivia finally whispered as she moved the cloth to wipe her neck.

Alex nodded. "Feel like talking?"

Olivia closed her eyes and rolled her head back and forth and left to right, but she didn't say anything.

"Okay…what did Elliot do?" Alex decided to go for broke.

Olivia's head jerked up as her eyes flew open and she gave Alex an incredulous look. "He…he didn't do…anything…" Olivia's voice trailed off.

"Don't give me that. He must have done something for you to be in here crying."

Indignant that Alex seemed to have all this figured out, Olivia snapped, "You know, I do have cancer! Maybe _that's_ why I'm crying."

"Is it?"

Her anger fell away and she shook her head. "No. Yes. I mean, partly."

"Olivia…I'm your friend. I'm here for you. _Please_ talk to me." Alex's voice was soft and full of worry.

"Elliot was with Jo today." She spoke so softly Alex almost didn't hear her.

"Joe? Joe who? Is he one of Elliot's friends?" Alex was confused over why this would upset Olivia.

"She. Marlowe. Jo Marlowe." Olivia looked closely at Alex to see her reaction.

Her brow wrinkled as the information began to register. Jo Marlowe. She had been SVU's ADA for a short time. And she was Elliot's partner long ago. "What do you mean he was with her?"

"His errand," she made quotes in the air as she spat the words, "was meeting Jo."

"Really? Where?"

"At a diner."

"Maybe they were talking about a case."

Olivia cocked her left eyebrow at her. "She's not our ADA anymore…"

"They could still have been talking work," Alex interrupted.

"And they were hugging and kissing outside by a cab."

Alex blinked rapidly in disbelief. No. No way would Elliot Stabler do this to Olivia Benson. Or himself. No way. "How do you know?"

"I _saw_ them!"

"Are you sure they were _kissing_?" Alex simply could not believe this. Hugging, okay – but kissing, uh-uh!

This time Olivia rolled her eyes and hissed, "I _know_ what kissing looks like, Alex!"

"Okay, okay. There's got to be a perfectly logical explanation. Elliot wouldn't do this to you, Liv. He just…wouldn't." Alex wanted to assure her friend of this fact. She had enough stress without her new boyfriend stepping out on her.

Olivia just sat there staring at her hands fidgeting with the hem of her sweater.

"You need to get some sleep. You've got an early morning," Alex reminded her.

Olivia nodded, "I will."

"There has to be a good reason for this, okay?"

"Okay."

They stood, hugged each other and as Alex closed the door she saw Olivia pulling the bedcovers down.

Elliot jumped up when he heard the bedroom door again. Trying to ignore him, Alex walked past the living room but he caught up with her. "Liv all right?"

Alex glared at him with a stony silence.

"What'd she say?"

More silence.

"Come on, Alex, I know she talked to you. Is she okay?"

He sure seemed genuinely anxious over Olivia's state of mind, she thought. Probably just an act to cover his indiscretions. "You're an idiot." Alex stated and headed for her study.

Elliot's mouth fell open and his eyes widened in astonishment. It took him a second to react and catch up with her again, this time taking her arm and turning her to face him. "That _your_ opinion or _hers_?"

Now, anger was the overriding emotion she heard in his voice and saw in his eyes. "Shut up, Elliot." Alex snatched her arm from his hold and closed the door to her office in his face.

Elliot stared at the closed door and shook his head. He dropped heavily to the couch, his own emotions in tatters. Completely perplexed by what had occurred this evening, the only thing he knew for sure was it felt like he was already losing Olivia. And he had no idea what to do about it.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	19. Chapter 18 Proven

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 18 - Proven**

**Cabot Residence – Monday, December 27 – 8:05 a.m.**

Elliot spent a restless night worrying about Olivia and wondering what he could have done to put her in such a frame of mind. He went over and over the last couple of days in his head – every word between them, every action – and he was at a loss to come up with anything he had said or done he remotely thought could have upset her. Still there was no doubt in his mind she was hurt or mad or something whether the cause was real or perceived.

Since sleep was not to be found, he had gotten up early and was just putting the finishing touches on breakfast when Olivia stopped in the entranceway of the kitchen. Sensing her presence, he turned and smiled. Surprised when she returned it with one of her own, he felt confident enough to speak.

"Mornin', Sunshine," he said, using the nickname he had dubbed her with from the beginning of their partnership. The pleasure and relief he felt when her smile went wider was nearly immeasurable. "I…uh…thought it might help you to have a good breakfast, you know, before the…uh…before we head to the hospital."

Olivia nodded and took a seat at the breakfast table. "Chemo. You can say it, Elliot. Chemo."

The pained look on his face softened her resolve a bit. "You're probably right." She glanced up and him and then down at the table. "But I'm really not hungry."

"Well, I know you wouldn't want these pancakes a la Stabler to go to waste. I even put _dark_ chocolate chips in them," he told her as he set a stack of them before her on a plate also filled with bacon.

"Elliot," she said his name but that was all. She was pretty much speechless at his thoughtfulness and the fact that he remembered how much she loved dark chocolate.

"Olivia…you _have_ to eat, okay?" he pleaded. "And not just 'cause I went to all this trouble, but because you need to build up your strength and…"

"Okay, okay. I'll…try to eat a little. Just a little," she agreed.

He poured a tall glass of milk for each of them then sat down across from her and dug into his own stack of pancakes covered with blueberries and syrup.

Trying to make conversation, Elliot told her, "Alex left for the office about an hour ago. She's got some prep work to finish for a trial." He failed to mention how ticked Alex was at him.

Olivia nodded and took a sip of milk.

"I think Casey's sleeping in. It was after two when she came in last night," Elliot continued with the meaningless chit-chat.

"How you know when she came in?" Olivia asked as she looked up at him.

"Still awake when she got home."

"Oh." Olivia didn't know if she felt bad or good that he could not sleep either. She had done enough tossing and turning for both of them and was inexplicably pleased that he had done the same.

"You sleep well?" he asked.

With a shake of head she told him, "Not really."

"Are you nervous about…the…the chemo?" How he hated that word and all it represented; the sound of it as his voice gave it reality; even the feel of it on his lips as his mouth formed its utterance.

"Nervous? No, because I know what to expect. And because I do, dread is mostly what I feel."

Silence fell over them. Olivia was still upset about Jo and Elliot was too worried about saying something wrong. They both startled as Casey walked into the kitchen.

"G'morning, guys," Casey said as she covered a yawn with her hand. She had on her normal sleep attire of sweat pants and a baseball shirt.

"Hey. Got plenty of food," Elliot said as he stood up. "Have a seat. I'll fix a plate for you."

Casey and Olivia traded glances. "Uh…who are you and what have you done with Elliot Stabler?" Casey teased as she took a seat next to Olivia. "Is he always like this in the morning?" Casey whispered to Olivia.

Olivia rolled her eyes and couldn't help smiling. "Not the Elliot I know…or knew."

"You ladies complain about men all the time and here I am trying to be a nice guy and what do I get? A bunch of smart aleck ragging." Elliot grinned at them as he put pancakes, bacon, and sausage on a plate.

He put it in front of Casey and took his seat again. "Mmmm…chocolate chip pancakes." Casey cut into the stack.

"_Dark_ chocolate. She loves it," Elliot said as he tipped his heard toward Olivia.

"Liv," Casey said around a huge mouthful of pancakes, "I say you gotta keep this guy around."

Olivia blushed at the comment and looked up at Elliot to catch his smile and wink. His blue eyes twinkled with amusement. She loved him. Really loved him. Still she was so hurt by him being with Jo Marlowe yesterday she did not think she could get past it. How she wanted to forget about what she had seen and just go to him and feel his arms slip around her. She felt safe with him and more than anything that was what she needed right now. Safety and protection, caring and comfort. And he was the only one she trusted to give her those things. Yet he had violated her trust and she did not know what to do with that fact.

The three chatted for while as they ate although Olivia did more listening than talking. Her mind was so focused on the events of yesterday she had barely thought about the upcoming round of treatment and was somewhat startled when Elliot spoke to her.

"Liv, we need to get going to be there on time." Elliot tapped his watch as he reached for her plate and quickly put everything in the sink.

"Hey, El. I got this. You guys go on," Casey told him. Turning to Olivia, she gave her a hug. "Good luck, Liv."

Olivia smiled. "Thanks."

**Elliot Stabler's Car – Monday, December 27 – 8:50 a.m.**

The ride to the hospital was strained, to say the least. Elliot felt the tension and had no idea what to do about it. He knew Olivia was upset with him about something but thought maybe he was overreacting and she was just anxious about the chemo. Lord knew he was anxious about it. But that did not account for her cold shoulder last night. Nor her tears.

"Hey," he said softly as he slid his hand over hers. "I...you know that I…I'm here for you, Liv."

What he really wanted to say was how he felt about her. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but the way she tensed when his hand touched her, he knew now was not the time. But he so wanted her to know how much he cared, how much he wanted to be with her and take of her and make all of this go away.

A wounded, forced smile was her response and seconds later she pulled her hand from his and started fumbling for something in her pocketbook. Elliot felt a knot form in his stomach. He was not overreacting. Not at all. She barely looked at him and he could feel her slipping away both literally and figuratively.

Coming to a stop at a red light, Elliot reached into the backseat and pulled a brightly wrapped box from a bag. Maybe this would get him back into Olivia's good graces. He handed it to her, smiling as he said, "I got you something."

Shifting in her sit to sit up straighter, Olivia eyed Elliot warily as she took the box. "Elliot, Christmas is over."

"This isn't a Christmas gift. It's a…well, just open it."

Her eyes moved between him and the box without making any effort to unwrap it.

"Liv…please. Open it."

Lifting the lid from the box she found a beautiful multi-colored fabric bag. It had several side pockets, a carry-handle as well as a shoulder strap. The box was too heavy to be only the bag but she was overwhelmed by the gift and kept running her hands over it.

"Its…its beautiful, Elliot."

"Look in it." He grinned, pleased that she liked his choice. The sales lady kept trying to steer him to other bags, but this one seemed to have Olivia's name on it and he knew she would like it so he went with his gut.

Unzipping the bag she found several magazines; a paperback copy of Wuthering Heights; a pair of fuzzy purple slipper socks; a bag of her favorite dark chocolate bars; two bottles of Gatorade, one orange, the other cherry flavored. There was a journal and a package of pens in four colors.

"Why?"

"Why what?" The light turned and they continued on to the hospital.

"Why are you giving me all these things?"

"Because," he said, "and you're not finished. Look in the pockets."

She found packets of gum; hard candy; sour gummies; dried fruit; earplugs and an eye mask; and an Ipod.

"An ipod? Elliot, these things cost a fortune."

When she held it up, Elliot said, "Didn't cost a penny. It's Maureen's old one. She loaded a ton of songs on it that you like and said you can have it."

She was smiling now. "And how does she know what music I like?"

"All those hours stuck with you on stake-outs, trust me, I know _all_ the music you like so I told her."

"Stuck?"

"Bad choice of words. So, you like the bag? And all the stuff?"

"Yes, but you still haven't answered why," she told him.

"I just wanted to give you some things that might help you pass the time and just, I don't know…make you more comfortable while we're going through the…while we're at the hospital."

Elliot had just pulled into a parking space and she saw the sign at the front of the space was like a punch in her stomach. _Chemotherapy Patients Only._

Against her will, tears sprung to her eyes – not because of the sign…it was simply the final straw – but because of how much it seemed like he cared about her, yet she knew he didn't care like he should or she would be enough for him. Blinking rapidly, she looked out the window to keep Elliot from seeing her watering eyes. The lump in her throat would not let her speak and she tried to wipe at the tears falling down her cheeks without him noticing.

How could he be so thoughtful, so sweet and yet have been hugging and kissing another woman not even twenty-four hours ago? All of this confused her to no end. Not only did his actions puzzle her, his words made her heart jump with joy and ache with sadness. He said _we_. _We_ are goin through this…not just her…_we_. On one hand it made her love him even more; on the other she felt guilty because she was the reason he was going through this. She knew it hurt him; he was distressed over her health at least as much if not more than she herself. _We_, he said. Like they truly were a couple; like they really were in it _together_; like he never stepped out on her.

Images of Elliot hugging and kissing Jo filled Olivia's mind. And her stoked imagination conjured up plenty more scenarios to go with what she had seen. She and Elliot had only just decided to give their relationship a chance and already he had cheated on her. The anger at the injustice of it all ran through her so quickly she was barely aware of her reaction.

"What? Hoping to keep me pacified so you go tend to your _errands_," she snapped in a voice sharp with cold and anger. Errands. He had told her he had some errands to take care of yesterday. So that's what they call it now. Errands.

Elliot's mouth fell open at the same time his brow furrowed into a frown. "What?" he asked, unsure of what she meant, unsure of just what was happening. Just unsure about everything.

Wiping her eyes for a final time, she let out a huge sigh and closed her eyes. "Nothing," she said disgusted not only with him but her own response. Even if he _was_ with Jo yesterday, he had gone to a lot of thought and trouble to put that bag together. And the things he picked out _would_ be a tremendous help over the next few hours. "I'm sorry. Thank you for the bag…and all. It was very thoughtful."

The knot in his stomach tightened. He knew she was trying to brush off her outburst and hide whatever it was that was really bothering her.

**New York Presbyterian Hospital – Monday, December 27 – 8:50 a.m.**

The time passed slowly. Elliot must have looked at his watch a hundred times. The waiting room as well as the area where the treatments were given was filled with patients in all stages of cancer. It was nearly more than he could handle. He had to constantly force himself not to give into his emotions; force himself to remember the cancer Olivia had was 95% curable. He tried to focus on her but with the colorful scarf, her wan complexion, and thin body she didn't look any healthier than the other patients. Several whom he had overheard talking about their experiences and other patients who had died since their last treatment. He ground his jaw so hard his teeth were aching but he was determined to keep it together for Olivia.

He and Olivia had talked very little. She told him she simply wasn't up to talking. More than anything he wanted to believe her but he was positive there was more to her silence than she was sharing. She flipped through the magazines, actually wrote in her journal a bit, and fell asleep while listening to music on the Ipod. He did his best to be helpful - made sure she had plenty of ice chips; helped her to the restroom twice; covered her up with the blanket when she was cold and pulled it off when she was hot. He did the same with the footies; and made sure she was as comfortable as possible. And he was proud that he managed to take her overall snippy manner in stride, never coming back at her with the same.

Finally, the tech came to unhook Olivia from the chemical poisons. Elliot was packing her bag as Dr. Allen stopped to talk to her.

"Olivia, how are you feeling?" He took her right hand in both of his as he squatted beside her chair.

"Hi, Doc. Mostly tired." The smile she gave him was slight at best.

"That's to be expected. The nausea will set in late tonight or early morning and it is important you keep hydrated. Even if it comes right back up, you must drink plenty of liquids. You have someone to take care of you?" he asked.

She glanced over at Elliot and the doctor turned to follow her gaze. "I'm staying with friends."

A look of recognition crossed Dr. Allen's face and he stood to speak to Elliot. "Detective Stabler, isn't it?" He extended his hand.

Elliot extended his hand, "Elliot."

"I see you found Olivia."

Elliot wasn't about to rat out Dr. Allen's office assistant. "What can I say? I'm a detective." He smiled and continued packing the bag.

"You've met?" Olivia asked, suddenly very interested in the conversation.

"Yes. He came by the office last week to ask about you…"

"And you told him?"

"Of course not. I would never share any information about a patient, medical or personal. He wanted to know if I knew where you were staying and…"

"And he refused to tell me. But like I said, I _am_ a detective," Elliot interrupted with a pointed look at Olivia. "So when does she need to see you again?"

"I'll have my office call and set up an appointment for a week from now."

When the doctor was gone, Elliot asked, "Let's get you home."

**Cabot Residence – Monday, December 27 – 2:15 p.m.**

Once settled in her bed at Alex's, Olivia quickly fell asleep. Elliot sat by her bed for a long time just watching her but he dozed off. Three hours later he awoke to a growling stomach. It was nearly dinner time and he had missed lunch. After convincing himself she would sleep a while longer he went to see what he could scrounge up to eat. When he opened the bedroom door he smelled something cooking. Casey was making spaghetti and the aroma was wonderful.

"Hey, El. How'd it go today?" she asked as she sprinkled garlic salt over the buttered Italian bread.

"Okay. She's sleeping now. Gosh, that smells good." He lifted the lid off the sauce dipped a little out with a spoon. "Mmmm…and tastes even better."

"Thanks. Alex is on the way home. Should all be finished by the time she gets here. Would you mind putting the bread in the oven, please."

"Sure." Elliot did as he was asked. "You talk to Alex today?"

"Just long enough to find out when she'd be home." Casey looked at him questioningly. "Why?"

"Just wondered."

"Why?" she asked again with a tilt of her head.

Elliot shrugged. "I don't know…last night Liv was upset and crying and…"

"What did you do her?" 

"Why does everyone think I did something to her?" he exclaimed angrily. Forcing himself to calm down, he took deep breaths, his arms extended, hands gripping the edge of the kitchen island and stared down at the counter.

Finally, he looked up at Casey. "I didn't do anything that I know of, but Alex talked to Olivia and when she came out she was mad at me and wouldn't tell me what Olivia said."

Casey folded her arms across her waist. "I see. Well, how did she seem today?"

"Like she was trying to hide the fact that she was upset with me."

"You two read each other like pages in a book…and you don't have a clue what might have happened or what she's thinking?"

He released a sound that was a cross between a laugh and snort. "I know enough to know she's mad or upset or something, but no, I don't have a clue about what she's thinking."

Casey saw how miserable he looked. "Did you ask Olivia what was wrong?"

"Yes. She said she was just tired." His eyes closed as he ran his hands over his slick head

"I'm sure she is…you know what she's going through, Elliot."

"Yeah, I know. I know. But it's more than that, Casey." He opened his eyes. "I feel like…like I'm already losing her and I don't what to do to stop it."

His eyes were shining with tears but before Casey could say anything else, there was a commotion at the door as Alex arrived with Melinda right behind her. She took one look at the two of them and spoke to Casey.

"Hi, Casey. Smells great. Let me change and I'll be ready to eat."

"Okay. Hi, Melinda."

"Hey. Hope you have extra. Didn't know you were such a cook," Melinda responded. "Hi, Elliot." She smiled at him.

"Hey, Mel." Elliot gave her a quick hug.

"Hey, Alex," Elliot said as she strutted by him.

Ignoring Elliot she went to her room.

Elliot sighed and shook his head.

"Well, I guess she's still put out with you, huh?"

"Yeah. Listen, I've kind of lost my appetite. I'm just gonna check on Liv and see if she's okay, I've got an errand to run," he told her as he backed out of the kitchen. "Good to see you, Melinda. Sorry to run off."

Olivia was still sound asleep. Elliot stared down at the slight frown on her face and wondered was she in pain or nauseated or was it because of him her face held a less than peaceful appearance. Leaning over he ran his hand across her cheek, then bent and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Olivia, I love you," he whispered. She stirred just briefly but in seconds he heard her rhythmic breathing and tip-toed from the room.

"Where's Elliot?" Alex asked as she came back to the kitchen.

"He couldn't handle the icy atmosphere," Casey retorted.

Alex looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Well, he deserved it."

In bewilderment, Melinda looked back and forth and the two.

"If you say so." Casey piled mounds of spaghetti on three plates.

Alex took a plate and heaped the steaming sauce on top. "I _do_ say so. Let's just leave it at that."

**City Streets of Manhattan**** - Monday, December 27 – 7:12 p.m.**

The ice-cold beer slid easily down his throat and burned at his empty stomach. Elliot gulped nearly two thirds of it down in one long drag. His collar turned up against the chill of the evening, he had walked several blocks before finding an empty bench in a riverside park. He sat for nearly an hour watching the boats on the river and thinking about Olivia. About them and their relationship. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone – except his kids – and he wanted desperately to tell her. But his fear of pushing her away by revealing the depth of his feelings too soon kept him quiet on that front. In his worry and anxiety over her state of mind today, it had nearly slipped out. The timing was not right and he knew it. But one day soon he was going to tell her and he would deal with the fall-out no matter what. She had to know how much he cared about her.

The empty bottle clattered against the metal trash can as he tossed it from the bench. That he heard it as it hit the bottom of the can instead of shattering into a million pieces on the sidewalk brought a grin to his face. He still had it. Always the consummate athlete, he could still ring a basket from ten plus feet away. He stood, stretched and headed back to Alex's. For a fleeting second he wondered if she would even let him back in. Olivia had mentioned she wanted to go home. Maybe by the weekend he could get her settled back at her place.

**Cabot Residence – Monday, December 27 – 7:00 p.m.**

Retching endlessly, Olivia hung over the toilet. Alex knelt beside her with a cold cloth while Melinda prepared a shot of phenergan.

"Dr. Allen sent some phenergan pills home with her, but I don't know if she took it." Alex mentioned.

"If she did she's certainly thrown it up and it doesn't seem like its working. This won't hurt her and maybe it will help." Melinda took Alex's place next Olivia. "Liv, I'm going to give you a shot to help control the nausea, okay?"

Her head still hung between her arms around the toilet, Olivia barely gave a nod of understanding.

It seemed that the vomiting had pretty much stopped. Casey had changed the bed linens because Olivia had woken up vomiting. She stood at the bathroom door looking at Olivia who was now sitting on the closed toilet.

"Think I can get your soiled clothing so I can wash all this at the same time?" Casey asked. She felt so sorry for her friend she had to blink back tears.

"Liv, can we help you get cleaned up?" Alex asked.

Olivia looked up at Alex then at Casey and Melinda. "Where's El?" Despite everything he had done, she wanted Elliot with her. She needed him.

"Should be back soon. Said he had an errand to run," Casey explained.

Olivia's head jerked toward Casey, her eyes widened, and she repeated, "Errand?" and promptly burst into tears.

"Oh, Liv. He'll be back soon," Casey was horrified that what she said had caused Olivia such distress and mad at Elliot for not being here.

It took a good half hour before Olivia calmed down enough for them to help her get cleaned up, changed into fresh sleeping attire and settled back in bed. As soon as she fell asleep, the three women went into the living room.

Clutching a throw pillow to her chest, Casey flopped onto the couch. "I can't believe she was so upset because Elliot wasn't here."

"I've never seen her like that. She's always so strong, in control," Melinda added, taking a seat on the other end of the couch.

"That's not why she was upset. She was upset because you said 'errand'," Alex clarified.

Then she began to explain her conversation with Olivia the night before.

Elliot glanced at his watch as he came down the hall to Alex's condo. Seven forty-five. He'd been gone and hour and a half. He wondered if Olivia had awakened; if she was nauseated; if she had felt like eating; if she had made sure to drink the Gatorade he had bought; if she asked for him. The door was unlocked and he stepped into the condo and saw the three women sitting there staring at him.

"Hey." Immediately, he knew something was wrong.

Alex looked away; Casey shook her head; but Melinda spoke. "Olivia was asking for you earlier."

Sensing the tension in the air and he knew Alex had told them whatever it was Olivia had shared with her the night before. And whatever it was made him the bad guy.

"Is she okay?" he asked as he started for her room.

Alex jumped up and got between him and the bedroom door. "Leave her alone."

Elliot's eyes narrowed. "What?"

"I said leave her alone. In fact, I want you out of here."

"Alex, what's going on?" he glared at her.

"Tell me, Elliot. How was your _errand_ tonight?" she asked with a smugness that riled him more.

"My errand?" Confused, he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out two tubes of the clear lip gloss that Olivia liked. "Picking up some lip gloss for Liv? I guess it was fine," he snapped. "But that's not what you're talking about now is it?"

This was ridiculous and he was fast losing his patience. And neither of them were being quiet. Casey tried to get them to calm down. "Guys, you're gonna wake up Liv. Bring it to the kitchen."

"Oh, don't act so innocent, Stabler. You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about."

Elliot snorted and threw his hands up. "No. I really don't know what you are talking about, Alex. How about cluing me in."

"Alex, Elliot…" Casey continued to try to get them away from the bedroom.

"Are you serious?" Alex was nearly yelling now.

"Tell me!" Elliot growled.

"You and Liv have been together for just a few days and you've already cheated on her!"

Elliot was so shocked he couldn't say anything. Cheated? On Olivia? Never.

"What? Nothing to say? No denial? No defense?" Alex was so angry she was shaking. "Get out. Just get out of my house. Now. Go back to your _errand_."

"You keep saying errand. Tell me what are you talking about!" he demanded.

Just then the bedroom door opened and a hush fell over them all as Olivia's pale face appeared. Elliot started toward her, but she held up her hand for him to stop.

"Jo. She's talking about Jo, Elliot," Olivia whispered in a weak voice.

"Joe?" Elliot repeated, still not understanding. "Joe who?"

Olivia stared at him, swallowed then whispered again, "Marlowe. Jo Marlowe." She could not hold his gaze.

Suddenly it was like a ton of bricks fell on him. Someone had seen him and Jo yesterday and told Olivia. How could something so innocent cause so much anguish? "Liv, I can explain," he said stepping toward her.

Shaking her head, Olivia took a step backward as Alex got between them. "Leave her alone."

"No. You can't explain away what I saw. You held her and kissed her," Olivia said with a voice drained of emotion but an expression that said it all. She was crushed.

Olivia saw them? Oh, my God. His mind raced trying to figure out what she thought she saw. "Liv, I promise it wasn't what you're thinking. Just give me a chance…"

"I don't want to talk to you, Elliot. I don't want to be around you. I want you to leave," Olivia said as she backed into the bedroom and closed the door.

"Olivia! Don't do this!" Elliot pushed past Alex and tried the door just as he heard the click of the lock. "Liv, please listen to me." He pounded the door.

"You need to leave." Alex pushed at him.

"You got to let me explain," he begged. "She's got hear what really happened."

Casey took him by the arm. "El, come on. Go home. Maybe in a day or two you can talk to her."

"No, she needs to hear this now," he hollered.

Alex pulled out her cell phone and opened it. "If you don't leave, I'm calling 911."

Elliot's rage turned to defeat. His shoulders slumped. He sighed and ran his hands over his head and wiped tears from his eyes before they fell. His stomach was roiling. He looked around and made eye contact with each woman before turning to leave.

One hand on the door knob, one hand flat against the door, he mumbled. "I thought one was presumed innocent until _proven_ guilty."

"It _has_ been proven. By Olivia's eyewitness account," Alex replied.

Elliot simply shook his head and left. As the door closed behind him the three women were silent.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	20. Chapter 19 Providence

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 19 – Providence**

**Cabot Residence – Monday, December 27 – 8:00 p.m.**

As soon as she knew Elliot was gone, Olivia had fallen across the bed and cried until there were no more tears. She then showered, got ready for bed and decided she needed to at least say goodnight to Alex and Casey.

As she opened the door to the bedroom she ran into Casey.

"Hey. Coming to check on you. You feel like eating?" Casey asked.

Olivia smelled something cooking and it caused her already nauseated stomach to clench. "I-I don't think so." She took a deep, slow breath hoping to settle it.

When they entered the kitchen, Alex looked up as she was pulled a casserole from the oven and set it on the stovetop. "Hey, Liv. How are you feeling?"

The aroma wreaked havoc on her insides. "Uh…tired…queasy…I'm sorry," she clamped a hand over her mouth and ran to the kitchen sink where she gave into the sickness.

Alex and Casey rushed to her side, one holding her scarf out of the way, the other handing her a dampened paper towel. Alex got an orange Gatorade from the refrigerator as Casey guided her to sit down.

"Try to drink as much as you can," Alex coaxed.

Olivia took the bottle with shaky hands and took a few sips. "Thanks."

The three sat at the table in silence until Olivia asked, "Has…Elliot…uh…called or anything?"

Alex and Casey exchanged glances. "No," Alex told her.

Olivia nodded. She thought he would have kept calling until he got to talk to her or at least met the wrath of Alex and Casey. The fact that he had not made her believe there was even more to what she saw happen between Elliot and Jo yesterday than she thought. Suddenly tears were burning her eyelids and she did not want to cry in front of anyone – especially not over a man who apparently cheated on her.

"I'm going to bed….I'm really tired," Olivia said as she stood. "I'll leave you two to your dinner."

"Think she's okay?" Casey asked.

"No," Alex answered.

"Maybe we should have let Elliot tell his side," Casey suggested.

Alex raised an eyebrow and scoffed, "Why? So he could try to finagle his way out of it?"

Casey shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe there was a good reason."

"A good reason? Oh, come on, Case!"

"I think we should have at least have heard him out," she came back.

Waving her finger in Casey's face, Alex snapped, "And you didn't see how she was last night. I've never seen her that upset. No. She saw them kissing!"

Casey's eyes closed as she nodded. "I know… I just…I can't see Elliot doing anything to mess things up with Olivia like this."

Sighing, Alex agreed. "I've thought the same thing."

**Stabler Residence – Monday, December 27 – 11:00 p.m.**

Elliot stared into the mirror. He took the shears and shaved his head smooth again. It had only been a few days but there was already stubble showing. As he replayed the day and every word between him and Olivia for the hundredth time, he realized Jo was right. Olivia's emotions were all over the place. And thanks to the fact that she had seen him with Jo, his were running rampant, too.

After a hot shower, he settled into his bed but knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. He picked up a book on the nightstand that he had been trying to read for a year. Because it was so long in between times reading, he had to re-read the previous chapter to remember what was going on and thus never seemed to get past one more chapter.

Tonight he simply could not concentrate. Tossing the book aside, he picked up his cell phone and opened it. His fingers played over the keyboard as he tried to make himself hit #1 to call Olivia. She wouldn't answer – he knew she wouldn't. Deciding a text might be better he began typing, but stopped after a few sentences. They sounded so…so guilty or something.

How could something so innocent, so well intentioned turn into this situation – one where he may very well lose Olivia when they were only just beginning to take their relationship to a new level. And how could she doubt him? After all these years, she should know him better than to believe he would or could ever step out on her.

He decided to give her some time. Maybe he'd send flowers and note trying to explain. Or maybe he'd call Casey. He only knew he had to do something to make her understand. Then he began to worry about how she was doing with the after effects of the chemo. Wondered if she had eaten or if the nausea and vomiting had set in; if she had been drinking enough to keep hydrated; if she were able to get some rest, to sleep or if she were too upset over his perceived transgressions.

He threw the phone on the nightstand, punched his pillow and tried to sleep.

**Office of Medical Examiner – Tuesday, December 28– 1:15 p.m.**

Dr. Melinda Warner had just returned from lunch when she heard a familiar voice.

"Dr. Warner. Good to see you again." The voice was confident, professional and female.

Turning, Melinda was surprised. "ADA Marlowe. It's been awhile. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I was just at the forensics garage checking on some evidence and thought I'd come by to talk with you."

"About the man and woman found murdered in the Jag Christmas Day? I wasn't ME on that case."

"Not about the case. About Olivia," Jo told her.

Melinda was immediately on the defensive. Jo Marlowe wanted to talk about Olivia? Why? Melinda was not at all comfortable with the course of this conversation. Especially not to the woman who had been seen kissing Olivia's boyfriend.

Narrowing eyes were the only answer Jo got so she continued, "Elliot told me about her and I just wanted to know how things went?"

Now Melinda was confused. What exactly had Elliot told Jo about Olivia? "What things?" she asked cautiously since she had no idea what Jo was talking about.

"The chemo."

"When did you talk to Elliot?" Melinda's mind was racing to put all the facts together.

"Oh, he called and we met Sunday afternoon. He wanted to know what to expect when he took Olivia for her treatments. You know I had breast cancer…well, he wanted some pointers on how she might feel physically, emotionally and how best to deal with it and what he could do to make things as good for her as possible. I am so sorry she has to go through this."

"Yeah…it's been rough."

"Elliot cares very much and is so worried about her. She is lucky to have a man like him in her life."

"That she is." Melinda stared at Jo as a plan formed in her head. "Listen, what are you doing tonight around 6:30?"

**Mount Sinai Hospital ER, Queens – Tuesday, December 28 – 4:18 p.m.**

Childish laughter echoed in the room as the young boy caught a small blue and green foam football thrown to him by his daddy.

"That's my boy! Great catch, son."

"Elliot. This football is why he is in here," Kathy chided as she took the small, foam football from Eli and held it out to her soon to be ex-husband. "He needs to rest."

The smile faded from his face. "He's fine, Kathy. Quit coddling him," Elliot grated in her ear as he leaned close to take the ball.

"He has five stitches _and_ a concussion," she hissed.

"And the doc said he's fine. Look, let's not do this, okay?" Elliot told her.

Kathy glared at him.

Elliot knew she was just being a mother. She was worried and exhausted. After tossing all night thinking about Olivia, he was exhausted as well. They had been at the hospital since 10:30 that morning. Kathy had called shortly after ten to tell him Eli and a friend had been throwing the football in the front yard when Eli slipped on a patch of ice, hit the bottom step and put a deep gash in his head. Almost as soon as they arrived, Eli had been taken back and examined. Elliot had held him while the doctor stitched his head wound. All that had taken barely a half hour. It was all the waiting for x-rays, a CAT scan and then an MRI to make sure there was no neck or brain injury that took its toll on the two parents. As a precaution, Eli's pediatrician who had been called in to check on the boy insisted he be kept overnight.

"Listen, Kath…we're both stressed out. The divorce, the holidays, Eli…go home. I've got him tonight, okay?" Elliot told her and tried to smile.

The exhaustion in her blue eyes was unmistakable but still she argued. "I'll stay. You have Olivia to worry about. I'm his mother."

The anger flared in him at Olivia's name and he clenched his jaw. "And _I'm_ his father. You go, get some rest. I'm staying."

"What about Olivia?"

"Olivia's fine. She's got Casey and Alex. Now, go."

Kathy finally nodded then went to hug and kiss Eli goodbye.

"Call me if…"

"If there are any problems, I'll call," Elliot promised.

As the door closed behind her, Elliot sighed and wished he were anywhere but here. Wished his son was not hurt; wished he could suffer this for him. Just like he wished he could take away Olivia's suffering. He wondered how she was – again – and thought about calling Alex or Casey just to make sure she was okay, but decided he was too drained to deal with anymore emotionally charged issues.

Eli had fallen asleep and Elliot carefully kissed his forehead just above his right eyebrow where the five stitches sat atop an egg sized knot surrounded by purple and blue bruising. He smiled at his son then realized he would have a scar on the same side as Olivia. "Sleep tight, Tiger."

**Cabot Residence – Tuesday, December 28– 6:45 p.m.**

Between the fatigue, nausea and vomiting, Olivia had a very rough day. It was so bad she had barely had time to fret over Elliot and that whole state of affairs. Affairs? She laughed quietly at the thought. She would never believe he could have done this. And even with what she knew she saw, she still could not reconcile it to the Elliot she had known all these years.

Alex had a big trial coming up next week, so she had gone to the office early. Casey pretty much stayed close to Olivia, jumping every time she needed something; talking to try to keep her mind off how bad she felt; offering popsicles, jello and Gatorade.

Early in the evening when Olivia was feeling a little better Casey had found a movie neither of them had seen and they sat on the couch watching it. It didn't take long for Olivia's mind to begin to wander – she had begun to think about Elliot and missed him; she wanted to know what he was doing and where he was; she wanted him beside her, holding her hand, feeding her jello and cracking his corny jokes. Finally, she had to know. "Case?"

"Hmmm?"

"Has…has he…" She shook her head. She couldn't even ask a simple question about him around the huge lump that caught in her throat.

Casey's blue eyes filled with sympathy. "I'm sorry, honey."

Olivia closed her eyes and mashed at the corners to keep the tears from falling.

"He's…he probably doesn't know what to do, Liv. I'm sure he's just giving you some time. He'll call. Or show up. I know he will."

Sniffling, Olivia massaged her forehead. "You don't know that."

Casey chuckled softly and patted Olivia's knee. "Oh, but I do because I know Elliot Stabler. And he couldn't stay away from you if his life depended on it." Casey wanted to add 'and you are his life just as he is yours'.

At that very moment the doorbell rang and they both jumped. Olivia looked at Casey with widened eyes. Was it Elliot? Olivia desperately hoped so. Her hands were shaking and she felt sick to her stomach – and not from the treatments.

Casey smiled and went to answer the door.

To say she was shocked would have been the understatement of the year. Then again sometimes providence _did_ simply knock on the door.

"Come in," Casey told the visitors.

"Who is it?" Olivia called out unable to contain her curiosity any longer.

Melinda walked into sight and smiled at her. "Hi, Liv."

"Mel, hi." Olivia was pleased at the sight of her friend.

"I've got a someone who'd like to see you," Melinda told her.

Olivia's heart skipped a beat at the hope that it was Elliot. Instead, at the sight of the woman who followed Melinda into the living room, her heart simply stopped.

Jo Marlowe.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoe ~ ~ ~


	21. Chapter 20 Pardon

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 20 – Pardon**

**Cabot Residence – Tuesday, December 28 – 6:50 p.m.**

The two women stared at each other, Jo smiling, Olivia in pure shock. The atmosphere was thick with discomfort and tension.

Casey finally made the first move. "Why don't we all have a seat?" she said as she led them into the living room. Olivia was frozen in her spot until Melinda took her by the elbow as she followed Casey.

Jo had taken a seat on the right end of the couch, Casey on the other and Melinda claimed a chair by Casey leaving the only other seat another chair near Jo for Olivia.

Clearing her throat Melinda told Olivia, "Jo came by today to ask about you and in the course of conversation I learned something very interesting. Jo would like to tell you about it."

Glancing at Melinda and then Jo, Olivia waited.

"Olivia, first of all I just want you to know…"

The door opening drew everyone's attention to Alex as she came in. "Hey, guys. Melinda, didn't know you were coming by. Are you staying for din…" She stopped mid-sentence when she saw Jo. Her face tightened and Casey knew she was about to say something she shouldn't.

"Melinda brought Jo by because she has something to tell Olivia and…" Casey explained.

Scoffing, Alex muttered, "I bet." She dropped her laptop on the foyer table, crossed her arms and stood staring at Jo.

Carefully assessing Alex, Jo realized the woman was angry and could not blame her. After all they believed she had been hitting on Olivia's man. Before she could begin talking again, Alex told her, "Well, don't let me stop you."

Jo gave Alex a smirk and turned back to Olivia. "As I was saying, I am so sorry you are going through this. Chemo is the worst thing I have ever endured. But you are a strong woman, Olivia, and you _will_ get through this."

"That's what you came here to say?" Alex asked with irritation.

"Alex, let her talk," Melinda shot her a sharp look with a cocked eyebrow.

Ignoring Alex, Jo continued. "Elliot called me the other day…he told me about you and asked if we could meet."

"_He_ called _you_?" Olivia asked weakly. So, _Elliot_ was the aggressor. She had prayed it was Jo.

"Yes. He wanted me to tell him what to expect as far as your reaction to the treatment – how it would affect you physically, mentally and emotionally. He wanted to know what he could do or say to make it easier for you."

Looking away, Olivia remembered the beautiful bag packed with an assortment of things to meet every need; all the thoughtful things to help her pass time; the snacks to ease the her upset stomach; the way he encouraged and catered to her and was prepared for just about anything. The guilt hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Liv, he cares about you very much," Jo said softly.

Olivia's head dropped to her chest as she nodded.

Casey stood up. "Why don't we go check on dinner?" She motioned to Alex and Melinda and the three went to the kitchen.

Olivia was grateful for the privacy, but very uncomfortable because of what she knew she saw between Elliot and Jo. And it had to be addressed. "But I…I saw you. I saw you…and Elliot and the two of you…" Olivia could not say the words.

Jo got up, moved closer to Olivia and reached out to take her hand in both of hers. "You did not see what you thought did, Olivia. I promise you."

Her words angered Olivia. "And how can you know what I saw?"

"Melinda told me what you _thought_ you saw. I was there and I _know_ what happened. And what you think you saw did _not_ take place."

"I guess this is where you try to convince me there is nothing between you and Elliot, right?"

Shaking her head in exasperation, Jo leaned closer. "Olivia, he was thanking me and I reached up and kissed him on the cheek. That's when he pulled me into a hug. It was an innocent kiss and hug between friends."

"Friends?" Olivia snorted and rolled her eyes.

"Yes. Friends. Although I admit I did come onto him at first…"

"What?" Olivia was incredulous at Jo's brazen admission.

"Before I knew why he had asked to meet me. Elliot is a very attractive man. But you must know that already. I remember how women would fawn over him."

"I don't believe this," Olivia said in a monotone devoid of the array of emotions pummeling her mind and heart.

"Yeah, I came onto him. And he quickly shot me down. Olivia Benson, in case you don't know it by now, that man, Elliot Stabler, is so in love with you…there is no way he'd ever step out on you, sweetheart. You are one lucky woman. Don't let some perceived wrong doing ruin the best thing you've ever had."

Jo realized Elliot was in love with Olivia? On some level she knew it was the best known secret in the NYPD, still hearing it from someone else surprised her and she stared at Jo with eyes widened and confusion etched in her expression. "It's all so new…and I…I never expected to…to have this chance…I thought it was too good to be real."

"Trust me, it's as real as it gets." Jo smiled. "Listen, can I tell you a few things about how cancer affects not only you but everyone around you that cares about you?"

Looking up at her, Olivia nodded.

"Most people never seem to consider that cancer happens not just to the one who has it, but to everyone in that person's life. And while people are concerned about the patient – asking about them, sending cards, calling, doing things for them – they forget about those closest to the one with cancer. Right now, Elliot is so worried about you, Liv. The thought of losing you colors his every moment and it's nearly more than he can bear. He feels helpless, useless, inadequate to help you. Like he has somehow let you down because you are sick."

"But it's not his fault," Olivia whispered.

Pointing to her head, Jo told her, "Up here, he knows that. But here," she said as she placed her hand over her heart, "here is where the battle lies. And it's only because he loves you so much, and yet can do nothing to really help you."

Mentioning Elliot and love and her in the same sentence was playing dangerous games with her emotions. "But he has…he _does_ help me. Just him being here with me, helps me."

"And I told him that, but he needs to be reminded – and often – how important his being here is to you."

"I should have let him explain…" she said so quietly Jo could not make out what she was saying.

"Excuse me?"

Olivia repeated it and Jo replied, "Well, it's not too late and he really does need a pardon from you over this misunderstanding."

"_I'm_ the one who needs the pardon from him. I just knew he would have at least called me today. He doesn't do 'ignored' very well, you know."

"Oh, you haven't spoken with him today?" Jo asked with a frown.

"Not since last night."

"Then you don't know about Eli."

"Eli?" Fear shot through her. "What about him?"

"I called Elliot earlier to find out how it went with you and he didn't answer, but later he texted me that he and Kathy were at the hospital with Eli. He fell and cut his head and is being kept overnight for observation. Elliot is staying with him. I'm sure this is why he hasn't called."

The glares she leveled at her three friends were merciless. "If one of _you_ won't take me, I'll call a _cab_," Olivia informed Alex, Casey and Melinda.

After Jo left, Olivia had wasted no time changing clothes and then telling her friends she needed a ride to Mount Sinai Hospital. They all disagreed, saying she was in no condition to go sit at the hospital or deal with Elliot when she was fatigued, nauseated and throwing up.

Tired of arguing, she directed the next question to Melinda. "Can't you give me another shot of that stuff to lessen the nausea?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"Fine. Let's do it. Please, Mel?"

"Olivia, I just don't think you need to go out so soon after…"

"Whatever!" Olivia stormed out of the kitchen, cell phone in hand and grabbed her coat from the rack by the door.

"Wait!" Melinda caught up with her and stopped her by catching hold of her arm. "Okay, okay. I'll give you the shot. And I'll take you to the hospital." Melinda looked helplessly at the other women and shrugged. She knew – they _all_ knew - Olivia would make good on her threat to call a cab and besides the hospital was on her way home.

**Mount Sinai Hospital, Queens – Tuesday, December 28 – 8:54 p.m.**

At the creak of the door, Eli looked up and said excitedly, "Owivia! Hey, Owivia!" His blue eyes twinkled just like his father's, and he was all smiles.

Catching sight of Elliot softly snoring in the chair by Eli's bed, Olivia, put her finger to her mouth. "Shh…shh. Don't wake Daddy."

Eli copied her but put all four fingers instead of one up at his mouth and repeated, "Shh."

Sitting on the bed, Olivia hugged him and looked him over. "Oh, sweetie, what a bump."

"I falled down and got titches in my head." His voice escalated at his excitement over telling the story.

"Shh…remember…" she raised her eyebrows and smiled then glanced at Elliot.

"Use a _inside_ voice…not a _outside_ voice," Eli promised with a nod.

"That's right," she said in hushed tones as she lightly traced the injury. "My goodness. I see _five_ stitches, Eli."

Pulling her hand to bring her closer to him, Eli reached up to put his fingers on the scars on her forehead and eyebrow.

"Honey, what are you doing?"

"Daddy said you got a boo-boo when you were wittle wike me."

Smiling, she pulled his hands down and kissed them. "Yes, I did." She was amazed Elliot would think of telling Eli about this.

"Do it still hurt?" The little boy's face crunched with concern.

"No, sweetie. It healed up and it doesn't hurt at all."

"Mine do." He touched a hand to his head.

"It will only hurt for a few days but then it will start getting better and it will hurt less and less until it's good as new."

He nodded then asked, "Why do you got that funny thing on you head?"

Olivia didn't know what to say. She did not want to try to explain to a three year old about cancer. "I thought the scarf was very pretty so I bought it to wear."

"It's got wotsa cowors. I wike cowors."

"Well, that is great because I have something for you." She pulled a Batman coloring book and a huge box of crayons from her bag.

Eli's eyes lit up at the sight. "I wuv Batman!"

Olivia situated him with the book and together they began to color. She glanced at Elliot from time to time. He looked exhausted. The stubble of his beard darkened his face and she had to make herself quit thinking about how it would feel against her cheek during a kiss or how it would tickle her fingers as she caressed his face.

Elliot had awakened when Eli was telling Olivia about his stitches, but he wanted to listen to the interaction between his son and partner – his girlfriend, so he pretended to still sleep. He was absolutely astounded to see Olivia. Glad she cared enough to come, yet apprehensive about the discussion that lay ahead. Listening to his youngest son, and Olivia talk and laugh as they colored did something to him he simply could not put into words. He was so touched by the natural connection and affection they had for one another. Olivia had been faithful about seeing Eli regularly after the car accident that caused his early birth. She had seen and held him even before Kathy and Elliot, so it seemed only right that there should be a special bond between them.

Elliot's eyes watered at the mixture of feelings overcoming him and he had to clear his throat so he stretched and pretended to be waking up.

His movements caused Eli to proclaim loudly, "Daddy! Wivia got me a Batman coworing book!" He picked up the book to show Elliot the pictures they had been coloring.

"Wow. You did a good job coloring the Joker. Did you tell Olivia 'thank you'?" Elliot tousled his son's hair as he looked at Olivia.

"I do it now. Tank you for my Batman book and cowors." Eli wrapped his arms around Olivia's neck and hugged her.

"You are so welcome, Eli." She smiled and looked up at Elliot.

"How you feeling, Buddy?"

"Hungwy."

"Yeah? That's a good sign. Let's see if we can get you some food," Elliot handed the remote to Eli. "Remember which button to push?"

"The one with the nurse head on it," Eli told him as he pressed the button.

A few seconds later a voice sounded above them, 'Can I help you?"

"I hungwy," Eli told her.

Olivia and Elliot laughed as Elliot added, "Eli's awake and hungry. Is it too late to get something for him?"

"Of course not. I'll see what we can round up, Detective Stabler."

"Thank you."

Eli was absorbed in his coloring book and now the discomfort settled around the two adults. Their gaze met several times but one or the other would look away.

Elliot knew Olivia would be concerned over Eli, but he hoped that maybe, just maybe part of the reason she was here was she wanted to make things right with him. He wanted to ask, but thought he would wait for her to make the first move. Before either of them could say anything an aide appeared with a tray of food for Eli.

He un-wrapped the plastic utensils and handed the fork to Eli then cut the chicken nuggets in half and opened the small container of juice. Once he had Eli taken care of he turned his attention back to Olivia.

She had been watching the two of them and now felt self-conscious when Elliot looked over at her. She gave him a slight smile and tried to quell the queasiness in her stomach as she wondered was it because of the chemo or him.

The minutes dragged by but he was determined for Olivia to set the tone for whatever happened, so he waited.

"Is he really okay?" she whispered, her eyes locked on Eli.

Clearing his throat, Elliot told her, "He'll be fine. Doc just wants to keep an eye on him overnight."

Olivia head bobbed up and down.

The tension in the room mounted with each passing second. The silence dragged on until he couldn't take it any longer.

"Why'd you come here, Olivia?" His voice was strong and clear; void of an emotion, his attempt at remaining calm.

"To see about Eli," she said as though puzzled he would even have to ask.

He noticed how small and frail she was and thought how she should not be here, even though it was his son and he appreciated her concern. He would rather her be at Alex's recuperating from the treatment. He pondered her answer for what seemed to be an incredibly long time.

"Eli? Hmmm." He crossed his arms, leaned again the bedside table and watched her. "He the only reason?"

Heart pounding against her chest, she looked over at him and drew a shaky breath as his blue gaze seemed to penetrate to her very soul.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	22. Chapter 21 Persevere

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 21 –Persevere**

**Mount Sinai Hospital, Queens – Tuesday, December 28 – 9:44 p.m.**

_Don't let some perceived wrong doing ruin the best thing you've ever had. _

Jo's voice reverberated in Olivia's head. _Ruin the best thing you ever had._ The words seemed eerily familiar and her memory raced through time until she finally remembered why they had struck such a chord with her. She had said those same words to Elliot a lifetime ago. Or so it seemed.

Refocusing her thoughts on the here and now, her gaze met Elliot's. To her surprise those blue eyes of his were not darkened in anger, but brilliant with…what? Hope? Expectation? Love? Perhaps a little of all three, she decided and suddenly found the nerve to tell him the other reason, the _real_ reason she had come.

"I…I came because I should have let you explain…" she trailed off and looked over at Eli who was picking up chicken nuggets with his fingers and shoving them in his mouth – the fork unused.

"Explain?" Elliot prompted.

Glancing at him, she tried to hold eye contact but was so nervous it was impossible. "Last night…I should have heard you out. I'm sorry, Elliot. I know you better than this. I know you would never have done what I thought you did. I just…I jumped to conclusions because…well, I should have given you a chance."

"What happened?" he asked her as he shifted to partially sit on the small table.

"What?"

"_Something_ happened to change your mind."

"No, not really. I mean, I had already thought about it all night. The minute I heard you leave I wished I had let you say what you wanted. I kept wishing you would call."

"Would you have talked to me if I had?"

She looked up at him and drew her lower lip between her teeth. "Yes. Maybe…I don't know." Honestly, she did not know what she would have done at that point.

Elliot nodded slowly. "So what made you come? Besides Eli." He glanced at his son and smiled when he saw the child had fallen asleep.

Olivia watched the way his eyes sparkled and realized how many times he looked at her the same way. Her stomach somersaulted. Drawing a deep, slow breath, Olivia met his returning gaze and told him, "Jo."

The narrowing of his eyes and the slight upward tilt of his head worried her, but it was his silence that frightened her.

Finally, she continued. "When she couldn't get in touch with you, Jo went to see Melinda to find out about my treatment. Mel brought her to Alex's to tell me why the two of you met and what had happened when I saw you…_thought_ I saw you kissing."

"I see. Do you believe Jo?" His voice was calm, even. He was trying not to be upset that Olivia would trust Jo over him.

"Oh, El, yes, I believe her but more importantly I believe _in_ you. And I _know_ you would never have done what I convinced myself of when I made up my mind without letting you explain."

Elliot scoffed, "Seems we both have a habit of jumping to conclusions, huh?"

Olivia wasn't sure how he meant the statement. She couldn't tell if he was brushing her off or giving her an out. She decided to go for broke. "Can you forgive me?"

Her glistening brown eyes looked like pools of melted chocolate, he thought. How could any man refuse her when she looked at him with such beautiful, remorse filled eyes? Opening his arms, he tipped his head up, and in a gruff voice laden with emotion he answered, "Come 'ere."

With no hesitation she was in his arms. Slowly stroking her back, he held her for a long time. She reveled at the feeling of security and love she experienced just by being near him like this. And she did know he loved her but it still didn't mean she could truly accept it. Especially not now. Not when she was a shadow of the woman she had been. Not when she was frail and weak and bald. How could he want to be with her? How would any man see anything in her? She struggled with that concept enough when she was healthy.

"What are you thinking?" Elliot asked softly as he pressed a light kiss to her temple.

She shrugged and shook her head. "That I don't know how you can want to be with me?"

"Olivia," he started to rebuke.

"Look at me! I've lost so much weight, I could be a Halloween skeleton; I'm sick and always throwing up; I don't feel well; I'm moody and cranky not to mention bald!" She pulled away from him and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Liv." He drew her back to him holding both her hands with his pulling them up between them. "You _are_ sick, but before you know it you're gonna be well and you won't be throwing up; you'll be complaining about how you need to _lose_ a few pounds; you'll feel good again and your hair will grow back and you can change your hairstyle every few months like before, okay?"

"But what if…it _doesn't_ happen like that?" she sniffled.

"I'll still be right here beside you, with you - no matter what, Olivia." He smiled and lightly touched his lips to hers.

"You didn't say anything about me being moody and cranky…"

"Oh, well, I'm used to that…been living with it for years," he teased.

"Elliot!"

She swatted at him playfully, but he caught her hand and pulled her against him.

"I want you to get it through that thick head of yours that it's _you_ I love, Olivia, not your hair or your body – well, those things are nice, too – but it's the person – you – that I want to be with."

Olivia hugged him tightly and whispered against his chest, "I needed to hear that – thank you."

Elliot nodded and pulled her even closer. "How are you feeling? You know with the treatment and all?"

"Well, actually not all that good," she chuckled lightly.

"We need to get you back to Alex's. You shouldn't have gotten out." He pulled back and checked her over. "You are _very_ pale. How'd you get here?"

"Melinda brought me."

"She stick around?"

"I told her not to…I'll get a cab."

"No, no, . I'll get you home."

"You can't leave Eli…"

"I'm not." Elliot reached in his jeans pocket for his cell phone and made a call.

"El…who are you…"

Elliot put a finger to her lips. "Hey, you busy?" There was a short pause as he listened. "Olivia needs a ride."

**Fin's Vehicle – Tuesday, December 28 – 10:03 p.m.**

"How you _really_ doin', 'Livia?" Fin's disbelieving scowl dared her to lie to him.

Still, she tried. "I told you…"

"I _know_ what you told me! But you ain't _fine_! If you don't say how you really are, how can anyone help you? Tell me the _truth_, Olivia," Fin demanded as he pulled into a parking space, cut off the car and turned to her.

"Okay, okay! You want the truth, Fin? The truth is _no_ one can help me! I'm so tired I can barely put one foot in front of the other; I ache all over. Even when I'm hot and sweating there's a chill so deep in my bones it never goes away and sometimes it's so overwhelming it doesn't matter how many clothes or blankets I have or how much hot tea I drink, I shake uncontrollably with the coldness. Headaches are almost daily; I stay nauseated and I'm sick and tired of hurling my insides out! I have no appetite but I know I need to eat to get strong enough to fight this…this monster but why should I when I will see it all again when I throw it up? I mean what good does it do? Sometimes I want to just give up and let go! Go to sleep and not wake up! I just…want to feel…good again! And if I can't, then…I don't want to…to go on. Is that enough truth for you, Fin, is it?"

Sobs tore from her and she began to shake. Fin had only seen her cry one time before – at Sealview – but this was different. This wasn't just fear. This wasn't just despair. This was giving up. It took several minutes for him to recover from the shock of her of hearing her finally tell him how bad things were as well as assessing her emotional state. When he did, he reached across the car and pulled her into his arms.

"Ah, girl. I'm so sorry you gotta go through this. If I could take it away I would, you know that, right?"

He felt her nod against him. "I know it's bad, Olivia, but you can't give up. You got too many folks counting on ya, baby."

"Counting on _me_? Yeah, right. Who and what for?"

"Why you talk like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you ain't good enough to have people care. You got more than you think, 'Livia."

Her body shuddered with her attempts to not cry again but he heard the strangled sobs and sniffling and tightened his grip on her.

"Liv, if something happened to you we'd all go nuts. Munch thinks of you like a kid sister – who'd he pester and tease if you weren't around? Cragen…you as close to a real daughter as you can get…and as cranky and crotchety as he can be wit' you, he'd probably go back to the bottle if you…well, you know. And me? Girl, if you hadn't set me straight with Ken, I'd never have had a relationship with my son. I know I came down on you hard when I thought you was interfering but if you hadn't talked sense into me…I wouldn't even know him now. And you one of the few folks I trust to talk to, Liv. You, Casey, Alex and the doc, you all good friends – how'd you feel if somethin' happened to one of them, huh?"

Engulfed in an avalanche of emotions, Olivia shook her head as more tears fell.

"It would be rough, wouldn't it…to lose one of your friends…and they'd feel the same way. Then there's Elliot. I wouldn't want to be in the same zip code with him if anything happened to you Olivia. That boy's got it bad for you, girl. Real bad. He'd be…over the edge."

"And I don't know why. I wasn't much before, but now I'm nothing but a sick, bald, bag of bones. How could he care about me? _Why_ would he? Or anyone?"

Fin jerked her back from him and held her shoulders tightly as he spoke harshly, "Stop it! You really don't get it, do you? You a good woman, Olivia. You're big hearted, compassionate. You're kind but can buck up when it's needed and ain't none of that got anything to do with how sick you are or how you look. It's the person – you – we all love. And if you weren't here, there'd be this big ol' hole in all our lives – in all our hearts. So, I don't wanna hear no more about giving up or not waking up cause we all need you, 'Livia." Fin drew her close again and in a whisper repeated, "We _all_ need you."

Olivia let go and cried until she had no more tears. For some reason she was able to let her guard down more so with Fin than even Elliot who knew nearly everything about her. The things Fin said to her touched her in ways she had no words to explain. He had clearly summed up her relationships with the most important people in her life and when it came right down to it, they were what mattered the most. Perhaps all that mattered. And she did not want to let them down. None of them. And especially not Elliot. She was not going to give up. She would beat this illness and come back stronger than ever. She would find a way to be the woman they believed her to be – strong, confident, fearless. She would persevere and conquer this monster. _She _would win. In the end there could be only one victor and it was going to be Olivia Benson.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


	23. Chapter 23 Pressure

**Shield**

**by Bensler**

**Chapter 22 –Pressure**

**Cabot Residence – Wednesday, December 29 – 7:10 p.m.**

The next few days had been extremely difficult for Olivia. The chemo had made her so ill she finally gave in and took the pain medicine the doctor had prescribed. It made her very sleepy along with magnifying the nausea from the treatments. She then took the anti-nausea medication which only added to her drowsiness. So she spent most of the day either hugging the toilet or sleeping. Elliot had called several times while she was asleep and she had returned two of his calls but had not been able to get in touch with him. They had talked briefly that morning when he called to let her know he was at Kathy's with Eli. The doctor had kept him an additional day and night because an erroneous reading on an MRI showed possible swelling of the brain. Eli was fine and Elliot was staying with him until Kathy returned from grocery shopping.

It was after seven when Elliot arrived at Alex's to see Olivia.

Casey met him at the door. "How's Eli?"

"He's proud of his scar and he's doing fine. Thanks for asking. How's Liv?" He hung his overcoat on the hook by the door.

"Been a rough couple of days. She's mostly slept. That chemo really kicks her butt."

"Yeah." Elliot nodded and thought about how bad that stuff was yet it held the key to her healing and recovery. "I'm gonna check on her. " He motioned toward the bedroom as he headed that way.

Casey watched him. She had learned some new things about this man she had known for so long. He actually had a tender, nurturing side she had rarely seen except where his kids were concerned. And though she knew he had always been quite protective when it came to Olivia, she had never imagined he could be so patient, gentle and affectionate as he had been with his partner during her illness.

Elliot watched Olivia's chest rise and fall with even breaths. Her lashes, dark against the pale skin of her cheek, seemed darker, and longer than usual. They fluttered several times and then her brown eyes zeroed in on him.

He smiled.

"You watching me sleep?" she asked groggily with a voice still thick with slumber.

"You got a problem with that?" he replied teasingly.

She stared at him a moment, then with a shake of her head, rolled her eyes. "You really need to get a life, Stabler."

Moving to sit beside her, he took her hands in his, leaned over to kiss her and said, "I've got you and you _are_ my life."

At this she scoffed, "Pretty sorry life, I'd say."

Elliot frowned while he thought of a response. "If that's what you think, then you're wrong.

Pulling her hands from his, she turned her face away from him.

"_Is_ that what you really think?" He waited and when she did not respond he asked again. "Olivia, is that what you really think?"

"Yes. I don't know why…why you want to be with me. You could have any number of women…you could be with Jo or…or Dani…or anyone who was a healthy and whole woman."

"Dani? Are you kidding me?"

"I know you were with her when I was gone, so don't act so innocent."

He shook his head and laughed quietly. "I wasn't _with_ her. We kissed. One time. And we knew it was a mistake. At least I did."

Her gaze met his but fell away quickly as she turned her head again.

"Don't you get it, Liv? I don't want Jo or Dani or any other woman. I want you, Olivia. Only you."

"But I'm nothing. You need someone who can be what you want and need."

"Don't do this." His heart was hammering because he could feel her pulling away both figuratively and literally. And he could not bear it if she truly cut him loose. He tried to remember all the things Jo had told him about how Olivia might feel; about how she would try to push him away because she thought she wasn't good enough or she did not want to be a burden.

"Do what?"

"Don't down yourself as an excuse to cut me loose, Olivia. If you want to break up, if you want me out of here, out of your life, have the guts to say it out loud. But don't shoot me all this crap about you not being good enough and me deserving more."

Now her heart clenched with the thought of him walking away from her; out of her life. "Is that what you want?" she whispered.

The tilt of his head and the expression on his face showed his confusion.

"Is that what you want? To be cut loose?"

His eyes closed and his head leaned back in exasperation. "No. I'm right where I want to be. With the woman I love. And if you have a problem with that well, you're just gonna have to get over it."

They stared at each other as though sizing the other up and making sure the truth they both wanted was there.

"Besides, if you decide to leave me, it won't do any good."

"Why's that?"

"Cause I'm coming _with_ you!"

Olivia stared at him and then slowly began laughing. She laughed until tears took over and she began crying almost uncontrollably. Elliot didn't know what to do but he had to do something other than just stand there. Though he fully expected her to pull away, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. It seemed forever before she quieted as he swayed gently with her against him seeking a way to comfort her.

He could feel the warmth of her breath against his chest as she spoke. "You really would do that." Her voice was filled with awe.

"What? Come with you if you leave me?" He kissed the top of her head.

Though the nod was slight, he felt it and smiled. "Yes. I would," he assured her.

"Guess that means I'm stuck with you then, huh?"

"Stuck? Is that how you feel?"

Her eyes drilled into his and a soft smile started at the edge of her lips. "No," she whispered. "I feel very blessed; loved and overwhelmed."

Their lips met in a tender kiss. "I'm the one who's blessed. I'm in this for the long haul, Olivia. And I don't want to have this discussion ever again, okay? I love you so much it makes my heart ache to think you don't realize how much."

"I do. I just…I don't know…I still don't know why…or how you could love me…"

"Because you are a wonderful woman and worthy of love, babe. You just gotta believe I love you with everything in me and that's _all_ you need to know."

Smiling up at him, she agreed, "Okay. And I love you, too, Slick." She ran a hand over his shaved head and they both broke into a hearty laughter.

**Cabot Residence –Thursday, December 30 – 1:15 a.m.**

Elliot could not believe that just a few hours ago he had been holding Olivia and they had been laughing. Now as he knelt beside her as she hugged the toilet, there was anger deeper than anything he had ever felt raging within him. He would do whatever he could to stand against this horrid disease and fight it with Olivia. But right now he wished it could appear before him in physical form so he could pummel it with his fists. He knew how to fight that way. This fight was different. It was not only physical but mental, emotional and even spiritual.

Since she had fallen asleep four hours ago, this was third time he had helped her to the bathroom to vomit. In addition to this, twice she had awoken and been unable to grab the trashcan quick enough. He had changed her bedding while Alex, then Casey had helped her with a quick shower and changing her pajamas.

He was exhausted and could only imagine how Olivia felt. Honestly, he didn't know how she kept going. But he also knew he would never let her stop even if she tried. She had to get well. She just _had_ to.

The vibration of his cell phone brought him to consciousness seemingly only minutes after he had finally fallen asleep. Glancing at Olivia he saw she was finally sleeping, too. It was six o'clock, he noted as he looked at the phone. Kathy. Immediately his heart clenched. It was way too early for this to be a routine phone call. He got up and quickly and quietly as he could and stepped into the hallway.

"What's wrong?" he asked in a worried whisper even before his soon to be ex-wife spoke.

Kathy was crying. "Eli had a seizure. Dickie and I are on the way to the ER."

"What?" Elliot was sick to stomach. "Is he okay?"

"He seems to be now, but I'm so worried, Elliot. What if…"

"He'll be fine." He cut her off not wanting to discuss this over the phone. "I'll meet you there."

He checked on Olivia; went to Alex's room and woke her to tell her about Eli then hurried to the hospital.

**Mount Sinai Hospital, Queens –Thursday, December 30 – 6:28 a.m.**

As soon as he entered the emergency room he spotted Kathy talking to the triage nurse while Rick – he hated being called Dickie - held a screaming Eli. Approaching them, he touched his older son's shoulder and as he turned, took his youngest child into his arms.

"Hey, buddy. Shh-shh. It's okay, tiger. It's okay." His voice soothed the young boy.

"D-d-d-daddy," Eli stuttered through hiccups and tears as his chubby hands clung to Elliot's neck.

Elliot brushed the blond curls from Eli's reddened face and was shocked at how warm the child felt.

"Kath…he's burning up. You didn't say he had a fever." Elliot looked at her accusingly.

"I-I didn't realize he did," she told him as she felt Eli's forehead. "Oh, my goodness. Please, check his temperature," she said with alarm as she looked at the nurse.

The nurse looked at the thermometer, her eyes wide with concern. "One hundred and five degrees. We need to take him back immediately."

The doctor said, "It's a virus that has been making its way around. There is really nothing we can do except give him acetaminophen and plenty of liquids."

"And the seizure?" Elliot asked.

"It's known as a febrile seizure. Caused by the onset of a sudden high fever in children generally below the age of five. He only had one?" the doctor asked Kathy.

"Yes."

"How did it start?"

"I-I don't know…"

"What do you mean you don't know?" Elliot bellowed. "How could you not know?"

"Dad," Rick chastised his father for speaking in the harsh tone.

"We were all asleep. A bunch of strange noises over the intercom woke me and I ran to his room. His arms and legs were jerking all around and I screamed for Dickie."

"What other symptoms were there?"

Kathy had started crying softly and was kissing Eli so Rick told what he had seen. "When I got in there he was still shaking and all but then his eyes like rolled to the back of his head and he passed out. I thought he…he had died." Rick wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket.

Elliot squeezed Rick's shoulder and pulled him into a quick hug.

"He woke up on the way here and started crying," Kathy added.

"From the sounds of it, it was a classic simple febrile seizure. Most likely it won't happen again," the doctor smiled at the family as he explained.

"So, he's gonna be okay? There's no brain damage or anything like that?" Elliot asked.

"I assure you your son will be just fine. Although watching your child experience a seizure like this is quite alarming they aren't as dangerous as they look. And, though it seems to last an eternity usually it's usually less than ten minutes."

"Did it have anything to do with the concussion he got on Tuesday?" Elliot gently touched the bandaged area on Eli's forehead.

"No. It's from the fever."

"What if it happens again?" Kathy asked in a shaky voice.

"Most likely it won't. From what you described, it was the type of seizure that most often occurs only once. If it does happen again, just bring him back."

"You letting him go home?" Rick was surprised.

"Actually, no. Between the concussion and the seizure, I'd like to keep him until late afternoon or early evening for observation."

Kathy told Elliot she would stay, but Elliot wasn't going anywhere. He didn't know if he quite believed the doctor about Eli being just fine. Kathy refused to leave, so they both pulled up chairs in Eli's room and tried to nap.

By noon, Eli had eaten breakfast and lunch and was whining to go home. The fever had dropped significantly and when the doctor came by at two he wrote discharge papers and wished them well.

Rick had taken Kathy's car home so Elliot took her and Eli to the house. The only conversation Kathy made was to ask him about Olivia. He told her a little bit but didn't feel right telling his soon to be ex-wife the details on the health of his partner-turned-girlfriend. He carried Eli in and once he was satisfied the boy was going to be okay he headed back to Alex's. He had talked to Olivia only briefly that morning. She sounded tired and worn out and he wished there was something he could do to change that for her. But he was helpless.

Before he got out of Queens, his cell phone rang. It was Munch asking about Olivia. Elliot filled him in on the latest treatment and Munch promised to come by when he got back into town. He also told him about Eli. Minutes later, Cragen called and asked him to come by the precinct. There was some kind of form Elliot needed to sign and have filed in court to keep a suspect in jail and away from the girlfriend he had raped and beat up.

**SVU Squad Room –Thursday, December 30 – 4:07 p.m.**

He ran into Fin coming off the elevator and the two discussed how Olivia was doing. Fin said he planned to come see her the next day if Elliot thought that would be all right. He also asked about Eli. Munch had called and let Cragen know and he passed it along.

In the squad room, Monique asked about Eli and Olivia. Elliot gave her the same spiel as he had Munch and Fin.

He went to Cragen's office.

"Elliot. Good to see you. How's Eli?"

Elliot explained about the fever and seizure.

"And Olivia?"

Elliot stared at his captain. He really did not want to give the same update for the fourth time in a row. "She's fine."

Cragen cocked an eyebrow. "Fine? I'd have expected that answer from _her_."

"Well, what do you want me to say, huh? She's sick and tired and tired of being sick. Her hair's gone; if she not freezing to death, she's burning up. If she eats or drinks anything, it's only a matter of time before it makes a reappearance. She barely has the strength to stand up let alone walk or do anything for herself. She's not fine! She's not fine at all! That enough of an answer for you?"

The captain's eyes narrowed as he studied the detective standing before him. In just the few days since he had seen Elliot, the man had lost weight and looked completely exhausted. This was taking a toll on him just as it was Olivia. And of course, Eli's injury and illness only amplified an already rough situation.

"I'm sorry Olivia has to go through all this, Elliot." Captain Cragen spoke quietly as he stood and walked up to Elliot. "And you."

Elliot's jaw tightened as he nodded.

"If you need someone to talk to…"

"I've done enough talking. Where's the paper I need to sign?" Elliot snapped.

Cragen nodded slightly, reached behind him to his desk and handed Elliot a paper. Elliot snatched it from Cragen, signed and pushed it across the desk. He turned on his heel and fled the squad room.

On the way to Alex's, Elliot kept berating himself for the way he had acted toward Cragen. There was no excuse for it but he had no answer for the rude way he had treated his captain. He kept thinking about Eli being sick and Olivia facing cancer. And he wondered why any of these things had to happen. Why did bad things happen? And to little kids. To good people. Olivia had never hurt anyone and she dedicated her life to helping others. Why did she have to get cancer?

Dark thoughts filled his head and he tried to replace them with positive ones but it was hard to do. Between Eli's injury and hospital stay and Olivia being so ill and now Eli's seizure and second stay in the hospital, he was exhausted. He knew this was part of the reason his reflections were so depressing. The stress of having one person in his life whom he loved dealing with sickness and pain was bad enough but adding another was, at this moment, overwhelming. This was useless, he thought. The chemo, the after-effects, the pain – everything she had to bear – because he was still going to lose her.

As he opened the door to Alex's, he could hear the sounds of vomiting from the bathroom and Casey talking quietly to Olivia. Alex came through with a pair of Olivia's pajamas in one hand and a stack of clean sheets in the other.

"Elliot, hi. How's Eli?"

"Okay," Elliot barely whispered.

"Liv had another episode. Good thing I threw her soiled PJs in with the sheets last night. You want to take these in while I grab a Sprite for her? She's been asking about you."

The thoughts kept pounding in his head – 'she's enduring all of this and she's still going to die'; why are you here, he asked himself? Why are you trying to help her when death is a certainty? You're just wasting your time. The pressure building in his head was unreal. The horrible thoughts kept circling and repeating and echoing until he was certain he was seconds away from going mad.

He stared at Alex then started backing toward the door. He shook his head. "No. No, I…I gotta get outta here." Before he knew what he was doing he had run from the apartment and was flying down the stairs.

Alex was left staring at the closed door while she wondered what had just happened.

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~


End file.
